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How To Survive A Horror Movie
Transcript of How To Survive A Horror Movie
A HORROR MOVIE. First you must identify yourself.
Do you find yourself comforted
by piercing screams? Are you fond of shiny objects like knives or powerful weapons such as a gullotine? Does music crescendo when you walk into an empty room? Did you do something illegal and immoral last summer? Do you get the feeling that you are always being watched? OR THEN YOU MUST BE IN A HORROR MOVIE Typical Characters In a Horror Movie
-The popular jock
-The black guy
-The person who seems like the bad guy but ends up being your mother.
-The random drug addict
-The sex crazed lovers
-THE KILLER Now that you have associated yourself with one of the characters mentioned, then you are in fact in a horror movie. Please feel free to run around in circles screaming for dear life. If you are the victim in a horror movie you
must first Identify Your Situation Never run back to save someone. Chances are they wouldn't run back to save you. Don't be the hero, just run like Forrest Gump. Just kidding Your mother wants you to get a job and as a 17 year old girl you decide to accept a babysitting offer at a house made entirely of glass. You can't see anyone, but everyone can see you. You make the mistake of leaving the child unattended. The phone rings and some freak tells you he is coming after you.You begin to freak out and frantically run around looking for the child. What are you to do? First off, you made the mistake of accepting the offer at a stranger's house. You should have just said no. Let us help you avoid this situation. If the setting of your horror movie is a high school then remember three important rules.
1. Don't walk alone in the hallways.
2. Avoid school dances.
3. Always remember where the exits are located. Never ever plan a road trip with your friends. If you want an adventure look for a dead body or get so drunk that you forget what happened the day before. Always have a getaway car and head North.
Your best bet is Canada. Nothing happens in Canada. The worst thing that can happen is a moose attack. If you are dealing with zombies stop being so pathetic and pull yourself together.
-Zombies lack the ability to stimulate their muscles effectively because of their damaged brains. Outrun them
-Luckily our brains are still intact and fully functional. Even a simple trap can buy you time before they nibble on your Aunt Dolly
- Hand guns, semi automatic pistols, light machine guns, a crowbar, a baseball bat, crossbows, an Indian on a horse. Basically you have human innovations and patents on your side so just use them against your brain sucking foes If you're in a movie with vampires, they are easy to deal with. Wear garlic necklaces and treat them to a tanning bed. Problem solved If you're dealing with EVIL spirits and demons, learn the Bible and make the priest your best friend. If you're walking around in a scary house don't be an imbecile. When the lights begin to flicker and the music gets louder, stop moving towards the source of the noise If you plan to leave the country stay away from Europe. It is becoming the central location for many new horror movies
Avoid Japan and you will avoid Godzilla
Your best bet is India or some exotic country like in the book Eat Pray Love. If you ever seem to be stuck in a movie with a serial killer, identify the type of serial killer your dealing with The Needy Serial Killer:
- They are the neglected types
- Just give the idiot a hug and you will survive. The Gamesman
- The killer that finds pleasure in playing tricks and torture.
Simple way to defeat them is by playing dumb and asking questions. This will make you a horrible victim. The Half Retarded Hillbilly
- The deranged redneck with a rifle and a slaughterhouse
Simply ask them to add 4 plus 4 then divide the number by 5.
As soon as he tries to solve the problem run like a ex-con running from the po po If you're in a vehicle that locks you in and plays the radio by itself you are probably in a haunted vehicle.
Get the hell out and then smash the crap out of it. You can either:
-Prolong the situation and run around with a child in your arms trying to contact the parents to come home, but if this is a good movie that probably won't happen until either you or the killer are dead.
-You can easily defend yourself, the home, and the child by finding a weapon to murder that bastard. What to do if your corn has children in it If you think you are dealing with an object that is evil, ask yourself
- Are the Nazis looking for this object?
Determine the object's country of origin:
- Eygpt - Cursed
- Africa - Demonic possesions
- Southern United States / Mexico - Native curses
- Outer Space - ALIENS ALIENS ALIENS To be absolutly certain, use the dog test:
If Spot sniffs, pees or barks, then your situation may not be so bad
If Spot suddenly dies, you better get out fast The solution is simple. Burn the object to ashes. Always blend in. The more you look like an extra the easier it is for you to survive THE BEST ADVICE WE CAN GIVE YOU IS BE THE KILLER; MAKES YOUR LIFE A LOT EASIER Now you may be in one of the worst situations you can possibly imagine, but that is why we are here to offer some advice. Use pest control on the corn.
Get those suckers before they ripen Adopt the corn babies and raise them as your own.
You could raise a happy family with your corn babies and visiting Maury every week to test if the scare crow is yo baby daddy If none of these work out, eat the suckers. After all, they are half corn. Who likes savage, unpleasant corn children? We Do :) Fat friends are good friends. The fatter the better. When you're looking for a quick escape they provide the distraction you need to get away fast.