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family communication

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Ariel Neitlich

on 1 December 2010

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Transcript of family communication

The first stage, AFTERMATH, is the first year following the divorce. During this time, families deal with the day-to-day stressors of the results of the separation.

Some of these stressors involve deciding and negotiating child support, how to divide property, and child custody and visitation.

The second phase ,REALIGNMENT, lasts 2 to 3 years. This period is marked by resolution of emotional issues and planning for the future.

The final stage, STABALIZATION, involves an acceptance of the new family structure and adjustment to new relationships between former partners. It is important to recognize that divorce is an ongoing process and affects all members of conflict

Unresolved marital issues tend to have a high spillover effect on the early postdivorce parenting relationship

Almost all research on economic consequences of marital dissolution suggests that women and children suffer more financial loss than men do

1 year after separation, 89% of the women were living with children compared with 36% of the men, and the per-capita income for women dropped an average of 23% whereas that of men rose by 10% Primary Effects of Affairs on Family Interactions and Daily Life

Lying vs. Open Conflict

Either option has negative effects

Both of them Taint and potentially Impede communication between the parents

they can also hinder the children's ability or willingness to communicate openly and freely with their parents After the Divorce…

Though somewhat alleviated by the separation, there may still be conflict between the divorcees.

Post-Divorce Deception- The deception may continue, in order to avoid making their ex angry or jealous.

One parent may actually ask the kids to lie to the other. Effects That Affairs Have on Children

Kids observe everything.
- In their (massive amounts of) free time, they investigate everything around them.

-Never try to lie to your kids about your lifestyle. They probably won't fall for it.

They model their behavior after the adults they respect.
- They will learn how to lie.
> They will consider lying an acceptable way of getting what they want.
- They will internalize their parents' method of dealing with and/or avoiding conflict. Effects That Divorce Can Have on the Children

Girls:

- Likely to start dating at a relatively young age

- Likely to have lower self-esteem

Boys:

- Likely to experience conflict with their superiors

Both:

- More likely to drink and smoke than their peers

- Less likely to do well in school than their peers More Severe Potential Effects of Divorce


Sometimes the spouse who was least welcoming to the divorce experiences a psychological regression to adolescence, becoming immature and unreliable.

- For Women, it usually takes 3 – 3½ years to recover from this regressed state.
- For Men, it usually takes 2 – 2 ½ years to recover from this regressed state.

In those cases, a role-reversal often occurs, in which the children will begin to take care of and look after their parents In Extreme Cases
Jack

- Age 12
- Lived with Father
- Had to cook, clean the house, get his father to work in the morning, get himself to school, etc.
- Dropped out of high school
- Got arrested for driving before he was 16 (in the car his father bought him) In Extreme Cases
Ellen

- Age 16
- Her younger brother got seriously hurt and needed to be taken to the hospital
- When she called each of her parents (who both worked nearby) neither came to help. - They told her to drive him to the hospital, herself.
- She told them that she was too young to legally sign her brother in to the hospital.
- Neither parent came, even though they had been perfectly loving and responsible before their marriage had dissolved. THE CYCLE OF DIVORCE

WHO: Anyone family related or non, impacted by the negligence of marital responsibilities, in presence of infidelity, and emotionally or mentally impacted by an affair or divorce proceeding.

I.e.. Spouse, Siblings, Mother/Father-in-law, children…

What: According to the study of psychology on
divorce proceedings and rational, the divorce
cycle consists of 6 stages:

1- Disillusionment of One Party
2- Expressed Dissatisfaction
3- Deciding to Divorce
4- Acting on Decision
5- Growing Acceptance
6- New Beginings 1. Verbalized 1-2 years prior

- Discontentment, arguments, stored resentments, breaches of trust

-Problems are real but unacknowledged


-Distance; lack of mutuality

-Confidential, fantasy,
consideration of pros and cons of divorce

-Development of strategy for separation

-Feelings: fear, denial, anxiety, guilt, love, anger, depression, grief 2. 8-12 months before invoking legal process

- Expressing discontent or ambivalence to other party

-Marital counseling, or ‘X’

-Possible honeymoon phase
(one last try)

- Feelings: relief, tension, “emotional roller coaster,” guilt, anguish, doubt, grief 3. Creating emotional distance i.e., disparaging the other person/situation in order to leave it
- Seldom reversible (considered for awhile)
- Likely for an affair to occur
- Other person just begins Stage I (divorce).
- Both parties “victimized”
- Feelings emerge (denial, depression, rejection, low self-esteem, anger, resentment, sadness, guilt, anxiety for the family the future, impatience, needy…)

4. ACTING ON DECISION (the legal process begins)
Physical separation

- Emotional separation (complicated by emotional flare
ups)

- Creating redefinition

-Going public with the decision

-Setting the tone for the divorce process (getting legal advice and setting legal precedent: children, support, home…)

-Choosing sides and divided loyalties of friends and families

-Usually when the children find out (they may feel responsible, behave in ways to make parents interact) 5. GROWING ACCEPTANCE (during the legal process or after)


-Adjustments: physical, emotional
-Accepting that the marriage wasn't happy or fulfilling
-Regaining a sense of power and control, creating a plan for the future, creating a new identity, discovering new talents and resources
-This is the best time to be in mediation: parties can look forward and plan for the future; moods can be more elevated (thrill of a second chance at life)

6. NEW BEGINNINGS

•Parties have moved beyond the blame and anger to forgiveness, new respect, new roles

•Experiences: insight, acceptance, integrity


• Healing; Self Help STATS ASSOCIATED

•One marriage in three ends in divorce.
•One child in five will see his or her parents divorce before the sixteenth birthday.
•People who are in the poorer groups of society are more likely to have a divorce than the wealthier and those with better jobs.
•Husbands married to women who specialize as housewives are more likely to ask for a divorce on the grounds of adultery than husbands who are married to working wives.
•Women are much more likely to ask for a divorce from their husbands (70%) than men are to ask for divorce from their wives (30%).
•About a third of those who divorce have no children.
•Most people divorce after about ten years of marriage.
•Children from divorced families are more likely to divorce themselves.
•Divorce is very expensive for society due to poverty that results among women who then need benefits or the work of the Child Support Agency. Reasons for Infidelity

Different Types of Infidelity (not necessarily mutually exclusive)
Emotional-only
Sexual-only
Combined sexual and emotional Study done on the factors related to the occurrence of extramarital coitus (extramarital sex – referred to as EMC) on people who have recently separated or been divorced.
205 individuals who had been separate no longer than 26 months completed in depth face to face interviews
Most participants reported that EMC was an effect rather than a cause of marital problems.


Broke reasons into different categories: Before Marriage, During Marriage, Threshold Variables

Before Marriage includes: Number of premarital sexual partners, religiosity, and lifestyle attitudes

During Marriage: Quality of Marital Sex, Marital Quality, Length of Marriage, Religiosity, Lifestyle Attitude, Responsibility for Family Members, Physical Attractiveness

Threshold Variables: Perceived Consequences, Opportunity, Physical Attractiveness

Some of the variables overlap in that they are consistent with the person.

The results of the study found that neither premarital coital experiences, quality of marital sex, length of marriage, religiosity, nor physically attractiveness were related to the occurrence of EMC. Content analysis done by Andrew Blow and Kelly Hartnett found that some other justifications for EM:

Sexual Dimensions
Sexual enjoyment
Curiostity
Excitement
Emotional Dimension
Intellectual sharing
Understanding
Companionship
Ego-bolstering aspects of self esteem Gender Differences:

Studies suggest that:
More men engage in sexual infidelity
Have significantly more sexual partners outside of their primary relationship
Have more permissive attitudes toward sex outsided of their primary relationship
Have a stronger desire to engage in infidelity
For women there generally appears to be a greater emphasis on emotional connection than for men
For men there is a greater emphasis on sexual connection
Men have tend to have more physically intense experiences than women
More physical contact sooner than women when partaking in EM
Married women overall their rates of liklihood of extramaritial involvement reach a peak at the seventh year of marriage and then decline steadily thereafter. Aftermath of Affairs

stress of affair can lead to extreme anxiety and depression

post-traumatic stress disorder

for the spouse who was cheated on confidence and self-esteem levels significantly decrease

for the spouse who committed the adultery, there can be severe bouts of guilt and shame
if children become aware of the situation, there can be extreme outbreaks of emotions and loss of respect and trust in family relationships and in other relationships Treating infidelity through therapy while maintaining the marriage has had numerous studies.

The success of a marriage after such an occurrence of these sorts can be extremely difficult.

The reaction varies by spouse in addressing the issue of what therapists in the article “Treating Infidelity: Considering Narratives of Attachment” call the systemic problem.

To even consider reconciling the marriage couples Therapists suggest to go through five stages :

1.Assessing the crisis
2.Becoming aware of systemic problems in the relationship
3.Taking forgiveness into account
4.Addressing the facts that lead to infidelity
5.Finally promoting intimacy through higher communication In a case study done with adult children from a family that had experienced parental infidelity but maintained the marriage results supported the specifics of the Communication Privacy Management Theory (CPM).

The theory shows that rules are put into place for the family in terms of disclosure of infidelity within and outside of the family.

The children in the study yielded an overview of how they managed the information that they knew about their parents. Where and when the adultery was discussed showed commonalities throughout subjects.


It showed that the environments were usually enclosed (in a car or room where there were only one to two other people) The amount of time it was spoken about was limited. DIVORCE

For a spouse after divorce there is not just emotional problems to deal with, but financial difficulties as well.

The internal struggles from withdrawing from an interdependent lifestyle can be challenging.

Since the first time prior to marriage there are new considerations such as dating to fulfill or replace the romantic void they are experiencing.

A child’s experience after divorce can stressful in the sense that they are dealing with the absence of a parent

Visitation schedules can be grueling

A child may feel a pull between each parent and at times could feel like they are required to take sides Definition/Stats
Cycle of divorce
Reasons/justifications for divorce
Effects on the family
Aftermath of Divorce/affairs
Long term aftermath
Suggested Avoidance tactics
Self help
Conclusion
There are many names for an affair such as cheating, adultery and infidelity.
Many different definitions but these are the important ones. DEFINITIONS

Extramarital affairs: are relationships outside of marriage where an illicit romantic or sexual relationship or a romantic friendship or passionate attachment occurs.

Infidelity: is a violation of the mutually agreed-upon rules or boundaries of an intimate relationship, which constitutes a significant breach of faith or a betrayal of core shared values with which the integrity of the relationship is defined. In common use, it describes an act of unfaithfulness to one’s husband, wife, or lover, whether sexual or non-sexual in nature.

Emotional affair/ Emotional infidelity: is an affair, which excludes physical intimacy but includes emotional intimacy and can begin as innocently as a friendship. It may also be called an affair of the heart.

Opportunistic infidelity occurs when a partner is in love and attached to a spouse, but surrenders to their sexual desire for someone else. This is driven by situational circumstances or opportunity and risk-taking behavior.

Obligatory infidelity is based on fear that refraining from someone’s sexual advances will result in rejection. Some people end up cheating solely on the need for approval, even though they may still hold a strong attraction to their spouse.

Romantic infidelity occurs when the cheater is, so to speak, falling out of love with his/her spouse. Their commitment to the marriage is what is most likely keeping them with their spouse.

Conflicted romantic infidelity takes place when a person falls in love and has a strong sexual desire for multiple people at one time. Although the notion of 'one true love' is prevalent amongst many, it is possible to have a strong love attraction to more than one person at the same time.

Commemorative infidelity occurs when a person has completely fallen out of love with their spouse, but is still in a committed relationship with them. These are all categories and reason to which a spouse would cheat or have the notion to do so. DEFINITIONS

Extramarital affairs: are relationships outside of marriage where an illicit romantic or sexual relationship or a romantic friendship or passionate attachment occurs.

Infidelity: is a violation of the mutually agreed-upon rules or boundaries of an intimate relationship, which constitutes a significant breach of faith or a betrayal of core shared values with which the integrity of the relationship is defined. In common use, it describes an act of unfaithfulness to one’s husband, wife, or lover, whether sexual or non-sexual in nature.

Emotional affair/ Emotional infidelity: is an affair, which excludes physical intimacy but includes emotional intimacy and can begin as innocently as a friendship. It may also be called an affair of the heart. Opportunistic infidelity occurs when a partner is in love and attached to a spouse, but surrenders to their sexual desire for someone else. This is driven by situational circumstances or opportunity and risk-taking behavior.

Obligatory infidelity is based on fear that refraining from someone’s sexual advances will result in rejection. Some people end up cheating solely on the need for approval, even though they may still hold a strong attraction to their spouse.

Romantic infidelity occurs when the cheater is, so to speak, falling out of love with his/her spouse. Their commitment to the marriage is what is most likely keeping them with their spouse.

Conflicted romantic infidelity takes place when a person falls in love and has a strong sexual desire for multiple people at one time. Although the notion of 'one true love' is prevalent amongst many, it is possible to have a strong love attraction to more than one person at the same time.

Commemorative infidelity occurs when a person has completely fallen out of love with their spouse, but is still in a committed relationship with them. These are all categories and reason to which a spouse would cheat or have the notion to do so. DDM

The Divorce Disclosure Model yields reasoning to the emotions that prompt parents to talk negatively about one another after divorce shaping the perceptions children have of each of there parents.

Parents will create this negative imagery from jealousy and wish to gain the approval from their children in order to feel more support in a time with little stability.

The manipulation of children’s perceptions towards each parent can create even more instability.
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