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'Twas the Night Before I Started my Medication

A parody of "'Twas the night before Christmas."
by

Duncan Alcorn

on 12 December 2012

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Transcript of 'Twas the Night Before I Started my Medication

'Twas the Night Before I Started my Medication 'Twas the night before...er...Tuesday, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except for me, Graüs.
'Course, everyone was sleeping, drowsiness in the air
So with my slender, silent friend I skulked 'round downstairs. I knew not his name, but he was a dear friend
He was tall, thin, wore a suit, and had a blank head.
On his ghostly white head he wore no face, hair nor cap
Yet he possessed a stare which kept me quite rapt. He spok with no voice, yet like the mad hatter
Told me of such madness to set my teeth a-chatter.
He told me my parents were to beat up and smash
My body to bits, then kick me out of the house like a flash. They called it paranoia, but little did they know
I was on to their scheme; I had a hand I could show
My plots for destruction filled my friend with such cheer
That he silently, excitedly, whispered in my ear. In order to stop them, you must act very quick.
He reached ‘round with tentacles and gave me a big stick.
They plan to destroy you? You must do the same
Before their insanity rends you inane. Doubting not my friend, I took the stick and started hitting
Anything within the sight of my eyes just a-flitting
Smashing my weapon against ceilings and walls,
‘Gainst tables and chairs, lampshades, knick-knacks and all. Raising my tool and bellowing out a cry
I brought it down on the fishbowl and made the fish die.
My friend started laughing, ripping my soul right in two
I felt something snap, and soon I was laughing too. I looked proudly at the destruction, and somehow I knew
By the end of the night this would be the least I would do.
I felt my balance shift, then my face hit the ground
I was snarling and biting and growling like a hound. My father had pinned me to the ground with his foot.
When he asked what I was doing, I gave a big hoot.
“I know you and mom were going to stab me in the back
So I did what I could to protect me from you hacks!” My mom started crying, her nose red like a berry
“We would never hurt you!” she quaked. I must have been scary.
“However did that idea get behind your brow?
We had always been happy and peaceful, but now-“ “My friend told me the truth about your plans, you creeps!”
I pointed to my friend, hoping he could bring some relief.
But he was long gone, away in his own private Hell
He left me to suffer, my confidence fell. “What the hell were you doing, son!? Explain yourself!”
My father roared, looking at the smashed furniture and shelves.
Later my parents talked about something wrong with my head.
I heard them conniving whilst tied to my bed. They wondered what cures to my ailments might work
They called all of the doctors they could, they didn’t shirk
Finally they found one (His name was Ambrose)
Who gave me some medication of which he had chosen. It was supposed to take away all of my gristle,
Make me happy and placid, as gleaming as a whistle.
I now feel happy; nothing like I did last night
And for the rest of my life my friend dare not enter my sight.
Full transcript