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Detecting Icebergs

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by

Robin Lynn Graham

on 14 December 2012

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Transcript of Detecting Icebergs

The skill of Detecting Icebergs allows you to identify core beliefs or values and determine their usefulness. Icebergs may be operating when an emotion or reaction seems out of proportion to what you're thinking in the heat of the moment. B.L.U.F. Why do we want to Detect Icebergs? Builds Self Awareness

Allows us to Reinforce our Beliefs/Values or Change them

Gives us Control over our Emotions and Reactions

Helps us be Effective spouses, parents, soldiers, leaders etc. Heat-of-the-Moment Thoughts vs. Icebergs Heat-of-the-Moment Thoughts are on the surface of our awareness. We can easily "tune in" to them.

Icebergs are...
Core Values: how you think the world "should" work
Core Beliefs: what you think is true about yourself and the world

They develop over time and are usually rules and strongly held beliefs.
They are NOT always bad or wrong or in need of being changed.

Examples: I am strong. People can't be trusted. You should respect your elders. Family comes first. People should finish what they start. When do you need to Detect Icebergs? When your emotions are OUT OF PROPORTION to what you're thinking in the heat of the moment. (sulking, withdrawing, yelling, crying etc.)

When your emotion or reaction SURPRISES or CONFUSES you.

When there is a T-C Disconnect. When your thoughts don't match up with your Consequences or what you Feel and Do.

When you notice strong Thinking Trap patterns. i.e. Them, Them, Them might indicate "People can't be trusted" or Me, Me, Me might indicate "I am never good enough". We're here to become more resilient by learning new skills that build our Core Competencies. We've already learned how to Hunt the Good Stuff which builds our Optimism. Last month we talked about Avoiding Thinking Traps which builds our Mental Agility. This month we're going to talk about Detecting Icebergs and work at building our Self Awareness. First let's Hunt the Good Stuff and Review! Hunt the Good Stuff!
What are three positive things that have happened in your world this past month?
Remember to try and make it a habit to write down three positive things a day, making note of why it was positive, who helped & how can you keep the good stuff coming! ATC
Our Activating Events spark Thoughts which fuel our Consequences: Emotions & Reactions
So many times we go from the Activating Event straight to what we felt and did in the Heat of the Moment and we skip right over what we THOUGHT.
Avoiding Thinking Traps and Detecting Icebergs are skills that we use when we slow down and look at our Thoughts. Avoiding Thinking Traps
Thinking Traps are overly rigid patterns in thinking that cause us to miss critical information. Some of the Traps are: Me, Me, Me; Them, Them, Them; Everything & Always; and the Mother of All Thinking Traps: Jumping to Conclusions. This skill helps us slow down and think about what information we're missing by asking Critical Questions such as: Who else contributed? How did I contribute? What can I control? Detecting Icebergs What are YOUR
known Icebergs? Thought-Consequences Connection Thought Theme Emotions/Reactions

Loss Sadness/Withdrawal
Danger Anxiety/Agitation Trespass Anger/Aggression
Inflicting Harm Guilt/Apologizing
Negative Comparison Embarrassment/Hiding
Positive Contribution Pride/Sharing
Appreciation Gratitude/Giving Back
Positive Future Hope/Energizing Good Friend
vs.
Bad Friend Getting to the Iceberg can help you move from the WRONG FIGHT to the RIGHT CONVERSATION! Good...

What is the most upsetting part of that for you?

What does that mean to you?

What is the worst part of that for you?

Assuming that's true, what is so upsetting to you?

Stop when the Iceberg explains the Emotions/Reactions.

'What' Questions Make You Think! Bad...

Why questions tend to make the conversation 'go lateral' versus going deeper.

Why questions will likely cause the person to get more emotional.

Why questions can cause the person to become defensive.

'Why' Questions Make You Ticked! Once You've Identified an Iceberg...

Ask yourself:
Is this Iceberg helping or harming me in this situation?

Is this Iceberg something I still believe/value?

Is this Iceberg accurate in this situation?

Is this Iceberg overly rigid? Fact Check

The accuracy question only applies to core BELIEFS like "I'm stupid" or "People can't be trusted" and NOT to core VALUES like "You should respect your elders or "People should finish what they start". Core Beliefs can often be tested with evidence. Core Values can't be tested in the same way. That 'AHA' Light Bulb Moment! Detecting Icebergs
Key Principles Choose the Depth: stop when your beliefs help to explain your emotions & reactions

Icebergs can create Thinking Traps: Sometimes Iceberg Beliefs push us into one or more Thinking Traps

What NOT Why: 'What' questions lead to depth. 'Why' questions lead to defensiveness.

Self-awareness is the Primary Target of Detecting Icebergs Lets Detect some Icebergs! Icebergs and Rejuvenation

Resilience is a process not a destination and Rejuvenation helps to keep your tank full so you can continue to build resilience. Rest and Rejuvenation Competency Check
Get out your bookmarks
Pick a Competency
'Make a Case'
January we're going to be teaching ATC...looking closely at Activating Events and how they trigger the Thoughts that fuel your Consequences!

Until Next Time...
Hunt the Good Stuff, Avoid Thinking Traps, Watch out for Icebergs and Have a Very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Your SMRT's, Michelle, Robin & Tammy Check on Learning What is the Skill? Detecting Icebergs is used to identify and evaluate core beliefs and values that are driving our emotions and reactions and can promote or undercut rejuvenation.
When do I use it? When your emotions or reactions seem out of proportion and undermining your performance or effectiveness. How do I use it? Ask yourself the series of "What" questions to identify the Iceberg. Once it's identified, ask yourself questions regarding the usefulness, accuracy and flexibility of the belief. worksheet pg 47 worksheet pgs 48-51 worksheet pg 52 worksheet pg 50
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