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Assignment of Death

A journey of "EPIC" proportions.
by

Anthony Nelson

on 30 April 2014

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Transcript of Assignment of Death

Eileen's Vacation
Step One: Fly to New Zealand
Take a Plane
Land in a Grassy Meadow, Filled with Sheep
This Guy (Bruce) Will Be There Waiting
Step Two: Hang out with Bruce
What You'll Do
Bruce is a professional violin player. Yep, that's right. While you walk the green pastures of New Zealand, with sheep at your side, you will be learning how to play the violin. Specifically, you will be learning "I Am (Creation)" from the Music Inspired by the Story CD.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "I don't have a violin!" Well, actually . . .
What You'll Use


Upon your arrival in the idyllic meadows of New Zealand, Bruce will bestow this beautiful, custom violin to you. It's free of charge, and it is yours for life. No strings attached.



Step Three: Beach Time
Bruce Will Drive You Here
Buh-Bye Bruce!
Bruce will be leaving you at this point.

You will sit on the beautiful New Zealand beach, practicing on your brand new violin in solitude as the sun slowly sinks into the horizon.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "Where am I going to sleep?!"
Well, here's the thing....
This Castle is Right Behind You
Step Four: Castle Time
Late Night Flight
These Will Illuminate the Night
Waiting for you at the castle entrance will be many instructors who will assist you in manning whichever hot air balloon suits you best. Once you pick a balloon, you will be whisked away up into the darkened sky.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "It's past sunset. I won't be able to see!"
Well, actually.....
Step Five: Get Some Sleep
Following your sky adventure, you will withdraw to this awe-inducing bedroom with silky soft blankets, tempur-pedic mattresses, and pillows with an internal cooling system. This bedroom is not only incredibly comfortable, however. Upon awakening, you will be treated to an absolutely stunning view of both the ocean, and the surrounding New Zealand hillsides.
Step Six: Wake the Truck Up
This will probably be your least favorite part, but don't worry, your staff will be waiting patiently for you to wake up. Whether it's at 10:00, 12:00, two days later, whatever. Also, your bed will be using its built-in accelerometers to monitor your sleep and, therefore, alert your staff ten minutes before you wake up. This will indicate that it's time to begin work on breakfast. Or lunch, in your case.
Step Seven: Eating Time
No Cereal in Sight
Tea in Sight
Due to your staff being notified just ten minutes before your awakening, your breakfast will be warm and fresh.

And no, unless you request it, there will not be any raisin bran. However, there WILL be eggs, pancakes, french toast, omelets, fruit (watermelon included), and much, much more. And, don't worry, I did not forget about .....
With over fifty different flavors of tea, and over one hundred tea cups, the kind of tea you drink---and what you drink it in---is completely up to you. This tea will be accompanied by various kinds of cake. Now, I know what you're thinking: "What good is tea and cake if there's no one to share it with?"

Well...about that...
Step Eight: Tea Time with Violet Crawley
Yeah. You're welcome.

The best part? While you engage in elevated conversation with one of your favorite TV characters, your staff will be fueling your plane which, as soon as your conversation has ended, will take you to your next vacation spot.

Be excited. Greatness awaits.
Step Nine: Boulders Beach
Violin Playing with Penguins
Yeah. I know.
It turns out that penguins love violins! Using your recently obtained musical skills, you will entertain and amaze the onlooking penguins with the music of "Creation." Don't be shy, Bruce trained some of the penguins too, so they may join in with music of their own.

Fun Fact: A group of penguins is called a "waddle" of penguins.
Boulders Beach is home to dozens of adorable African Penguins. You will be spending most of your day here with them. As it is private property, you will be the sole human occupier. In other words, you can have penguin time all to yourself.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "What am I going to do?!" Well.....
Step Ten: An Evening at Glowworm Caves
Step Eleven: Rollercoasters
After you wake up around three in the afternoon, and after being treated to breakfast, you will be loaded onto a plane that will take you to the greatest amusement park in existence. It has not opened yet, so you will be the first consumer to step foot in the park. (don't worry, the rides have been tested for safety:)

Yes, the roller coasters are better than Magic Mountain's. And that's a promise. If you don't believe me . . .
Take a look for yourself.
That's right. You get to spend an entire evening at your most envied location. You will have a comfortable sleeping place arranged for you with candles, a Bible, and even, if requested, some music equipment so you can listen to music. However, I'm guessing you'd rather play your violin than listen to some other amateur.
Step Twelve: Heading Home
Every roller coaster mentioned in this video will be available at this park. Even those that have not opened yet! So, as you can see, you'll have much to enjoy.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "What good are roller coasters without friends?"

Well . . . about that . . .
Once you board the plane from the Glowworm Caves to head over here, you will make a list of people that you would like to join you on your amusement park adventure. Yeah, that's right. Any friend of yours put on the list will be picked up by your private jet, no matter where they are in the world. Due to the latest jet technology, there will be plenty of time.

Oh, and the amusement park doesn't close for you. Ever. Meaning, you have a Life Pass. So the fun never ends!
Alas, your journey has [almost] come to an end. Since I spent about 1.5 billion dollars worth, I sure hope it was enjoyable. I borrowed from every bank in America, so I'm pretty much bankrupt for life. Before your private jet takes you home, however, there's still
one
last place left to go . . .
A Pixie Stick Factory
Enjoy your trip!
The End
Secret Step: Go to the Hobbit Houses!
That's right! You will be able to sleep in a hobbit house. Not only that but, this hobbit house here, this belongs to you! It's yours for life! That's why you don't need a plane ticket—it's your home away from home.

You're welcome.
Now it's the end.
Seriously. Don't ask for more. I'm broke as it is.
Full transcript