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Conflict Resolution

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Paul McNamee

on 7 January 2013

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Transcript of Conflict Resolution

Conflict Resolution - How to compromise
- Proposing solutions Conflict Winner Conflict Resolution SKILLS Look at needs first,
before thinking about solutions WIN-WIN 2. Creative Response 'Conflict is part of life' Reading 1. Win - win approach Do you agree with this comment? Have you ever had a conflict and wished you could have handled it better? Conflict comes about from differences - in needs, values and motivations. Sometimes through these differences we complement each other, but sometimes we will conflict. Conflict is not a problem in itself - it is what we do with it that counts.

What are Conflict Resolution Skills?
They are the skills that enable us to bypass personal differences and to open up to possibilities. The skills of CR draw us closer to other people, as we jointly search for fair solutions and balanced needs. It involves a powerful shift from adversaries to cooperative partners. In this shift each person benefits.

CR Skills Create Better Work Climates and More Fulfilling Relationships
For the organisational manager, skilful conflict-handling is an important managerial tool. Conflict can be seen as an opportunity for learning more about the company - its bottle-necks and inefficiencies, as well as its areas of expertise. The learning potential of conflict often goes unrecognised when staff and management react with "fight" or "flight". "Flow", the third way, requires Conflict Resolution skills.
These skills are also the tools for building friendship and intimacy. A whole new level of trust develops as people learn "we can work it out". Relationships become more fulfilling and supporting.

The Conflict Resolution Network has put together a toolkit of 12 skills - you can reach in and take out what fits for any occasion.
These will be introduced in the following slides Questions General:
Does the author think conflict is a
big problem? Specific
What do conflict resolution skills
help us with? Vocabulary adversary= a person, group,
or force that opposes or attacks;
opponent; enemy; Bottlenecks = a place or stage
in a process at which progress
is impeded. How do people usually respond to being challenged? I want to win and I want you to win too. Go Back to needs

The win/win strategy begins by discussing underlying needs, rather than only looking at solutions.

Can you think of a conflict you experienced recently?
What were your needs?
Did you communicate your needs sufficiently?

How would it have helped if they had discussed their needs? A win/win approach rests on strategies involving: Describe a recent conflict you have experienced
and how you might resolve it using the
win-win approach. The Creative response:
Turn problems into possibilities!
See what can be done and learned from conflict,
rather than focusing on how terrible everything is. Striving for perfection creates winners and losers,
Exploring possibilities creates winners and learners. What do you think this means?
Do you agree? Describe one time that a difficult challenge
created a new opportunity for you. 3. Empathy is great, but how? Ah, Conflict!
What an Opportunity!
AIM OF SPEAKER: to tell you that you are the problem
TASK OF LISTENER: to let the speaker know you've taken in what they are saying and to defuse the strong emotion.

- When someone is attacking you verbally, moving into active listening mode is usually the most useful response you can make.

- When there is conflict it's very common to blame the other person. It is difficult to be objective when the emotional level is high. Active listening is an effective tool to reduce the emotionality of a situation. Responding to a complaint or attack on you: Show empathy to their emotions Every time you correctly label an emotion the other person is feeling, the intensity of it reduces
The speaker starts to feel heard and understood.

Once the emotional level of the conflict has been reduced, reasoning abilities for both of you can function more effectively. Strategy Practice responding with empathy to the following personal
attack - see audio file DON'T DEFEND yourself now.

DEAL FIRST WITH THEIR EMOTIONS - People shout because they don't think they are being heard. Make sure they know you DO hear them. "I hear you're very upset."

RECOGNIZE THEIR SIDE - You do not have to agree with them, but you should state that you understand their viewpoint.
"I can see how that would be very frustrating." Lets work together to propose a solution Don't jump to a solution There are two people in a kitchen. There is only one orange left and both of them want it. What would you suggest as the solution? Did they focus on needs or jump straight to solutions? * Going back to underlying needs * Recognition of individual differences * Openness to changing one's position after information has been shared * Attacking the problem, not the people. How can you practice active listening? 4. Appropriate Assertiveness When to use "I" statements

The essence of Appropriate Assertiveness is being able to state your case without arousing the defences of the other person. The secret of sucess lies in saying how it is for you rather than what they should or shouldn't do. "the way I see it...", attached to your assertive statement, helps. A skilled "I" statement goes even further. Using "I" Statements Effectively Nan was upset when she heard her adult son, Tommy, had visited town and not bothered to call or see her.
When next they spoke, she prepared herself for the conversatin with a well rehearsed "I" statement.
"When I miss out on seeing you I feel hurt and what I'd like is to have contact with you when you are in town."

She said it. Tommy immediately reacted with "You're always going at me with the same old thing."

But Nan had a clear intention. "No", she said. "This time I said something different. I was simply telling you how I feel."

For the first time on this issue, he really heard her. There was a moment's silence. Then instead of getting defensive (his usual pattern) he said "Well, actually I've tried to phone a few times. You weren't home." She acknowledged that was so. She felt much better and they then went on to have the best conversation in ages. How did Nan use 'I' effectively? Clear "I" statements The next time someone shouts at you and you don't like it, resist the temptation to run away (maybe slamming the door on the way out).
Resist the temptation to shout back.
Instead, deal with your own anger.
Take a deep breath. Stay centered, and make "I" statements.
Responding to resistance from others

When faced with a statement that has potential to create conflict, ask open questions to reframe resistance. Explore the difficulties and then re-direct discussion to focus on positive possibilities.
Explore - Clarify details
It's too expensive. answer = Compared to what?
Too many/much/little/few. answer =Compared to what?
I want the best. answer = What would be best for you? Find options

You can't do that around here. ---> What would happen if we did?
He (she) would never...How can we find ways for it to happen?
They always... Are there any times they don't?
We've tried that already.What was the outcome?
This is the only way to do itYes, that's an option. What else could we consider? Winner What is fight or flight?
What do you think 'flow' means? When someone challenges us, we feel disconnected from those around us - a feeling of "you or me" emerges. Your win or my win. - if one person is right, then the other person must be wrong. - Argument becomes personal as we blame disagreements on the characteristics of others. While people battle over opposing solutions "Do it my way!", "No, that's no good! Do it my way!", the conflict is a power struggle. What is needed is to change our way of thinking (change the agenda in the conversation).
The win/win approach says: The "You vs. Me" Way Joan: There you are Mark! I can't believe you missed the project meeting again! You knew how important it was to me. Its obvious you don't care about the project. Mark: What are you talking about? I've been working day and night on it Joan: You told me you would be there for every project meeting and you have already missed two. If the project fails it will be your fault. Mark: Wait a minute. You are the one who made a mess of the original plan. If you weren't so careless with your work I wouldn't need to spend extra time! Joan: How dare you! You are so inconsiderate and incompetent! Mark: I'm incompetent?! You made a complete mess of the project plan. Joan: I just don't think we can continue this partnership Mark: Fine by me Questions: When does the feeling of you or me emerge? When does the discussion become personal? Compromise is one option. They might cut it in half and each gets half.One person now goes to the juicer and starts squeezing herself a rather too small orange juice. The other, with some difficulty, begins to grate the rind of the orange to flavour a cake. The Win-Win Way Joan: Hi Mark. I felt really worried and nervous when you weren't at the meeting today. I need you to help me explain the project to the boss. Mark: Oh, I'm sorry. I know its difficult to deal with the boss alone. I was working late last night on the project plan. I felt really tired and frustrated this morning. Joan: Yeah, working on the project plan made me feel really frustrated too. In fact that's why I left some of it unfinished. Mark: Yeah, I feel like I need help with it. It's too much work for me to finish alone. Joan: Okay well, why don't we finish the plan together and then that way we will both be prepared for the next meeting. Mark: Good idea. That is much better than me trying to do it alone. Questions: When do they talk about their needs? When do they talk about their feelings? How do they attack the problem rather than the people? TOP TIP! Sitting across the table with the problem in the middle creates an adversarial atmosphere. 'Your way or my way' Sitting together with problem in front creates an atmosphere of working together to confront the problem ''attack the problem, not the people'' The You vs Me way John: Sarah! You can't do anything right. I'm not going to use your company. Sarah: Excuse me, but I have many satisfied customers. You are always angry and complaining about everything. You don't like anybody. You are a selfish and angry person. John: How can you treat me like this! I don't want to talk to you ever again! TOP-TIP: Label a persons emotions but do not label the persons personality. The Empathy WAY John: Sarah! You can't do anything right. I'm not going to continue to use your company. Sarah: I can see something has made you upset John. What is it? John: The order I made from you is 3 weeks late! Sarah: It can be so frustrating when orders are late. I also get very annoyed when that happens. John: So, what happened then? Sarah: Well, the company that delivers our products are on strike. I'm so frustrated about it. John: Its so hard to get good delivery companies these days. The ones I use are excellent. Would you like their number? Sarah: Sure that would be great. Thank you so much. Conflict comes about from differences - in needs, values, and motivations. Conflict is not a problem in itself - it is what we do with it that matters.

Conflict resolution skills help us:
*understand where other people are coming from
* understand the needs and values of other people

In a work environment, it is important for the manager to handle conflict well.
Most people respond to conflict with "fight" or "flight". However, there is a third way: "flow". With the 3rd option, people learn "we can work it out". Relationships become more fulfilling and supportive. When someone is verbally attacking you,
the best thing you can do
is to actively listen.
This means to be objective.
Active listening is an effective tool to reduce the emotionality of a situation After actively listening, you can correctly label their emotions:
"I hear you are scared."
"I hear you are frustrated."

Labeling their emotions tells them you heard correctly, and you understand them.
Once they feel understood, the emotions of the conflict will decrease. Do NOT say
"I hear you are very rude."
"I hear you are annoying." Use "I" statements!

"the way I see it..."
"I believe..."
"I feel...." NOT

"You should do this..."
"You should think..." This is the time for APPROPRIATE ASSERTIVENESS.
Full transcript