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Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood

Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood
by

Danielle Lamotte

on 1 March 2013

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Transcript of Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood


It takes courage to understand someone then to speak up and be understood

You don’t want to be the doormat, so express your opinion in an appropriate manner

Unexpressed feelings get buried and come alive later in ugly ways Then Seek to be Understood Interrogations don’t often get you the answers you really want

Sometimes people aren’t ready to share their feelings Probing This is more common

You make agreeing comments like, “yeah”, “uh-huh”
The speaker usually figures it out quickly and feels that they are not important enough o be listened to Pretend Listening “I’m concerned that you have a temper problem.”

"I feel you that you’ve been acting selfishly."

Don’t send “You” messages- they are more threatening

You have a terrible temper
You are so self-centered
Send “I” Messages What would my parents consider a deposit?

Jump in their shoes and think about it from their point of view

Doing dishes
Taking out the garbage
Get home on time Parents Take time to understand your parents- they have pressures and bad days too just like you.

You can better understand them by asking them questions

How was your day today?
What do you like/dislike about your job?
Is there anything I can do to help around the house? Communicating with parents “As I get it, you felt that…”
“So, as I see it …”
“I can see that you’re feeling …”
“You feel that …”
“So, what you’re saying is …”

Mirroring is used during important or sensitive conversations or if you are having communication problems with someone Mirroring Phrases “Until you walk in another man’s moccasins you can’t imagine the smell.” – Robert Byrne

If one person has on green lenses and another has red lenses in their glasses, they will see things differently, so listening to their perspective is important (have different paradigms)

Conversations are not competitions! Stand in their Shoes When someone just wants another to just listen and the listener starts offering what they have done or would do in the same situation

Once the speaker is understood then they would be more open to advice Advising We listen from our own point of view. Instead of listening in the other people’s shoes, we want them in our shoes

Often say things like –I know exactly how you feel

Or You think that your day was bad, you should hear about my day Self-Centered Listening You only listen to the part of the conversation that interests you

A key word will catch your interest and then you may change the conversation to something you want to talk about with that word in it. Selective Listening Why is this the key to communication?

Listen First, Talk Second Seek First to Understand,
Then to Be Understood Habit 5 Tell someone their pants are unzipped

Tell someone they have something in their teeth

Make sure the feedback is with their best interest at heart and you are not trying to fix them Give Feedback Think like a mirror

Mirroring is repeating back in your own words what you understand the other person to be saying

Mirroring is NOT
Judging
Giving advice
Mimicking Practice Mirroring This will lead to real communication

We need to practice this Habit 5- Genuine Listening Three ways to be a genuine listener...

First, listen with your eyes, heart, and ears
Second, stand in their shoes
Third, practice mirroring Genuine Listening We judge the other person’s words and don’t really listen to what they are saying

P. 169 Judging We actually pay attention, but only listen to the words and not the body language or the emotions that are behind the words.

You don’t seem to be on the same page as the speaker Word Listening Your mind is in another place and you are caught up in your own thoughts Spacing Out Spacing Out
Pretend Listening
Selective Listening
Word Listening
Self-centered Listening Five Poor Listening Skills I didn’t say you had an attitude problem


I didn’t say you had an attitude problem


I didn’t say you had an attitude problem Only 7% of communication is contained in the words we use

53% of communication comes from body language

40% comes from the tone or feeling in our voice First, listen with your
Eyes, Heart, and Ears
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