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Transcript of Beowulf Summary
The Calm Before the Storm
I mean Beowulf
The Savior, Jesus!
I mean Beowulf
Superman Jesus can do anything!
In the beginning of Beowulf, we learn that peace is common under Hrothgar's rule. He builds a hall for himself and his people so that they can sing songs, and have feasts, etc. I imagine them singing happy, fun songs, like...
Descendant of Cain
Well, if everything was perfect, then there wouldn't be a story, would there? So what's the problem? GRENDEL!
Okay, so who is Grendel? Grendel is a horrible monster, a creature descended from Cain, who was the first murderer of all time, according to the Bible. Grendel doesn't like all the singing and happiness that he hears coming from Hrothgar's hall (mancave), Heorot. So, he decided to go on a rampage and kill EVERYBODY!
Grendel has been terrorizing Hrothgar's people for a number of years, and it seems that none of Hrothgar's warriors can defeat him. The hall and the kingdom are in disarray, and no one knows what to do!
From the land across the sea, a young warrior named Beowulf hears tell of the terrible monster, and he decides that he should do something about it. He gathers together a band of men and travels across the sea to go to the aid of Hrothgar and his people.
When Beowulf and his men arrive in Geatland, people are not quite sure of Beowulf and his self-appointed super powers. So, Beowulf decides to tell some stories that will prove his prowess. Apparently he can swim for seven days straight while in full-body armor, holding a sword, AND fending off sea-monsters! Huh. So... he's Jesus... or Superman? I am SO confused.
Hrothgar entrusts Heorot to Beowulf for a night, and leaves him a band of men to help him fight Grendel. Beowulf tells Hrothgar that he is going to fight him without weapons, since Grendel has no weapons except for his own hands... and teeth... and claws. So I guess he DOES have weapons. (Last time I checked, Beowulf did't have any claws...) At least in the book he keeps his clothes on!
Anyways, Beowulf and his band of men fall asleep in the mancave and wait for Grendel.
Preparing for the Fight
Beowulf wakes up to find Grendel attacking the mancave, and his manly instincts take over. The men realize that their swords have no affect on Grendel, and they don't know what to do! And then Superman Jesus (AKA Beowulf) saves the day! He takes hold of Grendel's arm and tears it completely off with his manly super powers. Grendel flees, and everybody thinks that's the end of it. Hrothgar takes Grendel's arm and hangs it on the wall in Heorot as a trophy. Beowulf is claimed a Hero!
The First Fight
It's Not Over Yet!
Apparently Grendel has a mother. Wonderful. Grendel's mother (who remains unnamed because women are apparently unimportant no matter who they are, so I'm just going to call her Hagfish) finds her dead son's body somewhere in the mere and decided to exact revenge! So she waits until nightfall and then goes to Heorot. She is not as ferocious as she seems, I guess, because she can only take one man before everybody wakes up and starts attacking her.
This was actually in the book. The author basically said that the men were not afraid of a giant horrific monster BECAUSE SHE WAS FEMALE. (Sexist bastard). So Grendel's mother grabs some guy name Achoo, I mean Aeschere or... Ajsfsjfsjdnf or whatever his name is, and runs away back to her cave.
On with the story!
After Grendel's mother leaves, everybody is really angry and decides to go kill her!! Because they're MANLY MEN!
After skipping a few boring parts...
Beowulf and his men arrive at the lake of blood where Grendel's mother lives. Nobody knows how they're going to get down into the underwater cave where Hagfish is dwelling, so they basically give up all hope of defeating her. And then Beowulf is like, "You guys are wimps!" and he jumps into the lake fully clothed in armor and fights off all of Hagfish's minions.
He finally finds her in her underwater cave, along with Grendel's body (which he decapitates because he is completely insane) and tries to kill her with his sword. (I still think Unferth was secretly trying to kill him by giving Beowulf a faulty sword). And then Deus ex Machina happens and God is like, "Here ya go! Here's a sword to defeat Hagfish with!"