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Non-Violent Communication:

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Counseling Services

on 15 September 2013

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Transcript of Non-Violent Communication:

Non-Violent Communication:
Assertive Steps Toward Personal and Social Justice
with
Dorinda Lambert, Ph.D.
and
Katherine Colles, M.A.
K-State Counseling Services

“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.”
Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

What is NVC?
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is based on the principles of nonviolence
The natural state of compassion with no violence present.
NVC assumes:
We are all compassionate by nature
Violent strategies—whether verbal or physical—are learned behaviors taught and supported by the prevailing culture
We all share the same, basic human needs
Each of our actions is a strategy to meet one or more of these needs

Considerations in Cross-Cultural Communication
Throw out the “golden rule.”
Many people do not want to be treated the same way you want to be treated.
Most of us are not mind-readers.
In order for others to understand what is expected of them, there needs to be concrete and specific communication about expectations, needs, desires, and wishes
QUESTIONS& ANSWERS
Outline of Today’s Presentation
NVC Model
Cross-Cultural communication
Building blocks for effective communication
Basic Styles of communication
Listening tips
Speaking tips

Fundamental Assumption #1:
Every person has basic rights AND responsibilities
Our challenge is to own/value ourselves/our rights while recognizing and respecting the rights of others.

EXERCISE PART 1
EXERCISE PART 2
Fundamental Assumption #2
Emotions are ESSENTIAL tools
Avoidance of emotions causes problems.
Feelings are ALWAYS valid; it's what you do with them that can be hurtful or negative.
You must first stay with an emotion, and allow it to be recognized and expressed internally.
Feelings are not actions, but inform actions.
Emotions are NOT values; values are principles, ideas, and thoughts.
CONSIDER
How powerful the impact these concepts have/can have on each of these areas:
Your Being
Your Feeling
Your Expressing
Your Interacting

This leads to the next fundamental assumption.

Six Fundamental Patterns of Cultural Differences
(DuPraw & Axner, 1997)
1. Communication style
2. Attitudes toward conflict
3. Task completion:
relationship vs. task oriented.
4. Decision making styles
5. Attitudes toward self disclosure
6. Approaches to knowing
K-State Principles of Community
We affirm the inherent dignity and value of every person and strive to maintain an atmosphere of justice based on respect for each other.
We affirm the value of human diversity for community.
We affirm the right of each person to freely express thoughts and opinions in a spirit of civility and decency. We believe that diversity of views enriches our learning environment, and we promote open expression within a climate of courtesy, sensitivity, and mutual respect.
We affirm the value of honesty and integrity. We will operate with honesty in all professional endeavors and expect the same from our colleagues.
We acknowledge that we are a part of multiple communities, and we have an obligation to be engaged in a positive way with our civic partners.
We recognize our individual obligations to the university community and to the principles that sustain it. We will each strive to contribute to a positive spirit that affirms learning and growth for all members of the community.
How Do Nonviolent Communications and these Cross-Cultural Considerations Fit with our K-State Principles Of Community?
DISCUSS
Communication Building Blocks
Building Block #1
Verbal Communication
Words = 10%
Sounds = 30%

Nonverbal Communication
Body language = 60%

Use of e-mail and texting:
How much is lost in our current means of communicating?

Building Block #2
Notice Non-verbal Communication cues
Voice: Tone, pitch
Body Language: Gestures, Eye Language
Turn-taking, interest
Space Language: Informal, formal
Touch Language
Same sex and opposite sex contact

Building Block #3
You are always doing something
(there is no such thing as doing nothing)

Behavior has no opposite
Avoid passive/aggressive responses
Take responsibility for your own messages
Building Block #4
We are always interpreting others’ behavior through our own filters

We often listen autobiographically and respond in the following ways:
We evaluate
We probe
We advise
We interpret

Building Block #5
Each person’s perception of the world is valid for that person.

Avoid questions/statements that imply judgment. Some examples:
“How can you work like that?
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“That makes no sense.”
“If it were me…”
With your beliefs about your basic rights and responsibilitiesANDyour current skills in the communication building blocks . . .
WHAT IS YOUR STYLE OF COMMUNICATION ?
Aggressive
You choose and make decisions for others.
You demand your own way.
Your goal is achieved at the expense of others.
Your underlying belief system is:
"I have to put others down to protect myself.“
"I have all the rights and no responsibility to respect the rights of others."

Passive
You allow others to choose and make decisions for you.
You feel anxious, ignored, helpless, manipulated, & angry.
Others view you as a pushover.
Your underlying belief system is:
"I should never make someone uncomfortable or disappointed, except myself.“
"I have no rights and carry the responsibility for everyone. "
Passive-Aggressive
You manipulate others to choose your way.
You tend toward indirectness with the air of being direct.
You feel confused, unclear on how to feel, you’re angry but not sure why.
Your underlying belief system is:
"I must be heard and respected, even if that means I have to manipulate to do it."
Assertive
You choose and make decisions for yourself.
You are willing to compromise and negotiate.
The outcome is determined by above-board negotiation—your rights and others are respected.
Your underlying belief system is:
"I have a responsibility to protect my rights. I respect others, but not necessarily their behavior.“
"We both have rights AND responsibilities for respecting ourselves and others."

Assertive vs. Aggressive (Lange & Jakubowski, 1976)
Assertive
Standing up for personal rights
Expressing thoughts, feelings, & beliefs in direct, honest, & appropriate ways
No violation of others’ rights
Aggressive
Demanding personal rights with urgency
Expressing thoughts, feelings & beliefs in often dishonest and/or inappropriate ways
Violates the rights of others
TAKE A 5 MINUTE BREAK!!!
NONVIOLENT STRATEGIES
LET'S PRACTICE SOME STRATEGIES FOR:
CALMING YOURSELF/FOCUSING
EFFECTIVE AND ACTIVE LISTENING
EFFECTIVE AND ACTIVE SPEAKING
BREATHING TO FOCUS
RELAX....
RELEASE....
LET GO.....

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) in Four Steps
1. Observation: Observe what is actually happening in a situation that is affecting others/your well-being.
2. Feeling: Listen for/State how others/you feel when you observe this action.
3. Needs: State what needs (values, desires, etc.) of others/yourself are connected to the feelings.
4. Offer/Request: Make a specific request. (Action!)
Strategies for Effective & Active Listening
Observe Nonverbal messages:
Eye-contact
Posture
Facial expression
Tone of voice
Indicate that you understand the speaker.
Seek clarification if you don’t understand.

Tips for Respectfully Declining to be the Listener
When I cannot actively listen to the speaker, I will…
Briefly explain why
Affirm my interest
Ask to arrange another time when I can attend (not more than a day)
LISTENING
NVC Formula for Listeners
When you ________________________________
(state concrete actions you heard expressed)

You felt _________________________________
(state the feeling you heard expressed)

Because you need ________________________
(state the need you heard expressed)

And you would like me to ____________________ (state the action you heard expressed)

Example of NVC for Listeners
When your phone bill was higher than you expected,
you felt overwhelmed and scared.
Because you had already spent your money on rent and now don’t have money for your books.
You want help in finding a way out of this?
Understanding Verbal Messages
As listeners, we give words meaning and show understanding through:
Mirroring words
Paraphrasing

As speakers, we make polite requests to find out if the listener understood:
Request a paraphrase
Thank the listener

SPEAKING
Strategies for Effective & Active Speaking
Look at the listener.
Observe nonverbal messages.
Notice the effect of your own words on the listener.
Does the listener appear to understand?
Does the listener seem preoccupied?
Have I been clear?

Respectfully Responding
“I” statement formula
I feel _______________
(state a feeling)
When ____________________
(describe the exact behavior)
Because _____________________________
(state the need that relates to the feeling)
What I want is _________________________
(describe the behavior that would meet the need)

Example of a Respectful Response
I am concerned
when your financial strain is affecting your work
[can skip the “because” in this example as not pertinent]
What I can do is help you get connected with the Powercat Financial Counseling.

What if the student is verbally aggressive?
An Example of Respectful Confrontation
When I hear offensive language, I feel uncomfortable because I want everyone to be respected, and I would like you to not speak that way around me.
Making Simple Requests
You have the right to make your wants known to others.
You deny your own importance when you do not ask for what you want.
The best way to get exactly what you want is to ask for it directly.
Assertive body language can help you get your request across.

BREAK INTO PAIRS ...ITS BETTER PRACTICE IF YOU PAIR-UP WITH SOMEONE YOU DON'T KNOW !
Using the scenario handed out to you, take turns being the speaker and the listener
As a speaker, express honesty using the model of the four components for speakers
As a listener, receive empathically using the four components for listeners
Then switch roles.

NEXT STEPS
YOU WILL RECEIVE AN EVALUATION: PLEASE COMPLETE AND RETURN IT!!!

PLEASE CONSIDER THE OTHER TRAININGS OFFERED.

GIVE US YOUR RECOMMENDATIONS FOR TOPICS YOU WANT TO SEE COVERED.
Full transcript