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How to Write a Crappy Essay
Transcript of How to Write a Crappy Essay
This is the type of essay that you learned in fourth grade. Why change and learn something new? Writing an essay like a fourth grader or sixth grader is a great way to produce sucky work. Be sure to write an introduction that is devoid of content.
Try to be interesting without being informative. Nothing is more interesting than listening to people say nothing.
Ask me a meaningless rhetorical question.
Say super obvious statements like "Everybody has a mother."
Speak in broad, sweeping, inaccurate statements about life "nowadays" or "back in the day." I am an English teacher.
Show how limited you think my mathematical capabilities are by counting off your body paragraphs for me.
Otherwise, I might not have noticed that this is a five paragraph essay and that you are talking to me like a fourth grader. If all else fails, just write a single paragraph.
I am sure it will suck horribly; however, I will never be sure. I will simply give you the lowest possible grade and move on with my life without ever having read it. It may even be an amazingly intelligent essay devoid of the basic organizational patterns taught in elementary school. These questions keep me up at night. Sentence structure is always optional. Just stick a period at the end of the paragraph. I know neither math nor grammar. Pronouns Two pronouns can really up the lame quotient in your essay. Use the word “you.” Readers love it when you describe them incorrectly. Always say "I" when stating your opinion to up the lameness.
Think of the redundancy of stating "I agree" or "I think" or "I do not believe" While it is OK to use "I" to share personal experiences, a really good choice for persuasive essays, be sure to ruin it by neglecting to capitalize "i." Feeling like the author has texted the essay, simply heightens the experience. Use excessively informal language. Use lots of contractions. Remember ending sentences with prepositions is wrong, so do that a bunch, frequently reminding the grader that you have no clue what the heck you are doing. Call famous people by their first name. You call teachers by their last name, but forget that. Get really chummy. We are all friends here. It's not Shakespeare to you, call him "Willy." Next, go to the other extreme.
Kill all traces of your personality.
Essays are not fun, so be clear to sound like you are not enjoying yourself.
Teachers really look forward to reading essays that sound as bored as their writers. Try to use the same sentence structure as much as possible.
If you are on a roll, starting each sentence the exact same way, stick with it. Teachers admire consistency, so sound like a robot. Quickly move from one topic to another.
Your mere mention of something should be enough for a teacher to know exactly what you meant. They use ESP when grading.
Avoid explaining or exploring the connections between ideas. In a real essay, the point is explaining and connecting. However, your goal is really to simply get it done. Make that clear, again, by avoiding the actual work of essay writing. The world is just lucky you did it the first time. Let your essay structure demonstrate your poor assumptions. Bad Assumption #1 Understanding of the prompt One of the key purposes of an essay is to show that you understand the prompt. Undermine your score immediately by talking about it like everybody gets it by saying "I agree with Whitman..." or "Whitman is wrong..." Bad Assumption #3 Context of quotes Starting paragraphs with quotes assumes that either the reader gets the context of your quote or thinks that you get the context of the quote. Frequently, one of those two is wrong. Bad Assumption #2 Your Points Are So Obvious That They Do Not Need Evidence Essay writing is a test of your ability to use specific evidence to prove a point. Make sure that you fail the test by leaving out quotes and real examples. Rely merely on hypothetical situations, theories, and summaries. Do not show you know anything. If your points are that obvious (i.e., "Rape is bad"), why are you writing about it in an essay? Now turn a test of your writing capabilities into a test of my writing and memory by plagiarizing the prompt. Try to sound like a thesaurus with diarrhea. Try to sound like a picture book without the illustrations, using simple words like "nice" and "bad." Repeat the same words as much as possible. Use forms of "be" in every single sentence (especially when utilized with the passive voice, making your writing bland, vague, and incorrect). Shakespeare revised his work. Show the world that he merely lacked your self-confidence by turning in your work without giving it a second glance. After all, your crappy essay might make everybody else feel better about themselves. Focus on what really matters: putting your head down on my desk, demonstrating to the class that you are finished with an essay before the people who are trying. Randomly s'prinkle apos'trophes' through your writing. If you see an "s" nail it with an apos'trophe. Had you chos'en to leave the extraneous' apos'trophes' out of your es's'ay, one might have reas'onably concluded you forgot to make the mark. However, your enthus'ias'tic over-apos'trophizing tells' the world that you do know how to us'e them correctly. Never check the spelling of the filename, title, or first sentence. Nothing signals to the reader that he or she ought to lower expectations than seeing a mistake when casually glancing at the work. Obvious errors in the last sentence are another great way to assure that you get a lower grade. Misspelling author's names and quotes also lets us know how little you care. The answer is right in front of your face, but you have transcended the English language. When you have received a teacher's note on how to fix something, please ignore it. We secretly detest our families and amuse ourselves by making pretend suggestions for student revision rather than being with them. After spending hours after school away from my wife and kids on a particularly large batch of rough drafts, I always feel good about that time when I see that you have totally ignored any feedback that I have given you. Revision is mostly about spelling and grammar, so you are totally off the hook if you struggle with those things. Never check for the less obvious problems that plague nearly every writer in the first draft: an overabundance of the word "is" or "was," passive voice, choosing weaker words like "good" or "bad." Spell Check is racist. Ignore its results. It only said that you misspelled that word because you are (insert your race here). Besides, it is the teacher's job to fail you for failing to use Spell Check.