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How to improve your essay 101

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Angela Wilfert

on 1 October 2014

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Transcript of How to improve your essay 101

Let's delve deeper into this essay!
How to improve your essay 101
Use text coding, you will see what is missing from your paper. You may think you have enough information but there may be elements you are overlooking.

The text code is as followed:
Claim: Underline your claim in red (Should be in introduction and conclusion)
Evidence: Put a green box around each sentence that is evidence to support your claim (2-3 in each paragraph).
Connectors: Underline the sentences in your body paragraphs that connect your evidence to your claim in blue
Vocabulary: Highlight vocabulary related to civilization in yellow (use your rubric to know what words you should be using)
Exemplar 2

“In this point of time, the role of geography was to have crops and water for stable food supply and good location for a large population. In the document Exploring Ancient Civilization in Mesopotamia, paragraph 1, states “The annual flooding there resulted in rich, fertile soil.” That means it was good for planting and tending the crops which means they were in a good location and location is a part of geography. Another reason is in the double entry organizer for Mesopotamia, in number 4 states, ‘Engaged in form of socialism where farmers contributed their crops to store houses.’ That means they shared their crops with other people around the location and location relates to geography. My last reason is in Exploring Ancient Civilizations, Mesopotamia paragraph 3, it says ‘Fertile ground also supported fruits and vegetables crops.’ That means they had good soil to plant crops in that location and that location has to do with latitude range.” ~5th hour

Exemplar 1
"One reason Ancient Egypt and Mesopotamia are similar is the geography. Both civilizations developed near rivers. Ancient Egypt developed in the Nile River Valley and Mesopotamia developed in the Tigris- Euphrates River Valley.(Atlas of World History) This makes them similar because they both had a fast and efficient way to move goods and people. They would also have a fresh water source for irrigation and cooking. Also, both civilizations developed in or near a desert. (Atlas of World History) This would be important because it means that they didn’t travel too much through the desert and couldn’t contact people farther away. It is also important because it meant that they wouldn’t have to worry as much about other civilizations invading them and could focus on things like the arts and technology."
Exemplar 3
“Monuments that are recognized by millions today may have never existed if it was not for religious beliefs in the early cultural hearths. Religion was the driving force for the creation of many inventions and innovations in all 4 River Valley Civilization. For example, Egyptians may have never completed the Great Pyramid in Giza if they did not want to impress their gods. In the Egyptian Crash Course Video, John Green explains that the pyramids were built as a giant tomb for their pharaohs who were believed to be gods or god like. Egypt was not the only River Valley Civilization to have religion inspire them to create new technology. The Indus River Valley, based on evidence from the story Mohenjo-Daro, a Mystery, had a Great Bath that in theory was a place for religious rituals. How does this have to do with inventions one may ask? The Great Bath as well as homes had a drainage system that as John Green say ‘18th century European cities would be jealous of.’ This evidence only strengths the point that the formation of religion was the reason behind the patterns for early human development. "

Let's get started
“The impact inevtions and inovation had on early human development was that inventions helped get a population. That made more people be there. One key invention was the boats that helped people get to place to place. People can travel on land too. People will buys stuff when they get to a place. Stores will stay in business this way. This made people want to improve their inevtions. “

Notice in this example there would only be some vocabulary (many mispelllings), there isn't a connection to the claim and there is no supporting evidence.
Exemplar 4
All four river valley civilizations were near bodies of water and were in the approximate latitude ranges from 18 N to 41 N which meant that all civilizations had the means to be growing crops. However, the civilizations would not have been as successful if it was not for having a strong government. The government would control and regulate how crops where grown, who they went to, and if they were used for taxes. Based on the primary source that was analyzed in class, the seals from the Indus River Valley, we can tell that the production of goods was regulated by the government. Each seal was used to identify their goods while trading. It was also stated in the Indus River Crash Course video that Mesopotamia and the Indus river valley traded with one another. This means that the cultures benefited from one another, one may have had crops that was needed to survive while the other may have had jewels that were wanted. Mesopotamia also used government regulation in order to be successful in the location they were placed. Mesopotamia according to “Exploring Ancient Civilizations, “[F]armers faced challenges. To get water to the fields during the dry planting season, the farmers created systems of storage ponds.” This way if groups were not able to grow crops due to a dry season they could get food from the storage ponds much like the ancient Incas in Mesoamerica. This is an early form of a socialist government. For these reasons I believe that without a government the four river valley civilizations would not have been as successful in their geographic locations.
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