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Adult Attachment and Romantic Relationships

Adult Attachments begin in infancy and stay with us through adulthood. All our relationships are affected by our attachment styles. Conflicts in marriage can be worked through with understanding your attachment style.

amy palmer

on 22 July 2010

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Transcript of Adult Attachment and Romantic Relationships

Adult Attachment SECURE Strengthen/weaken our
ability to focus Make us aware
of our feelings Calm ourselves Attachment Styles Attachment
Bond Theory 1. 2. 3. 4. Identify the
negative dance Communicate to
emotional closeness! Romantic Love Why do they Connect? Complimentary
Hypothesis Expectations of what partner should be like Developers:
John Bowlby & Mary Ainsworth Examine
Attachment Count on
to be
there when
we go out
into world Secure
Attachment Adult Attachment and
Romantic Relationships Secure Anxious/ Avoidant
Ambivalent Help us bounce back
from misfortune 5. Maintain emotional
& physical
closeness with
our beloved Reach out to this
person when unsure,
upset, down Miss
this person
when apart CHILD Insecure CHILD ADULT High Self-esteem
High Self-Confidence Anxious Avoidant
Phil Shaver & Cindy Hazan
discovered Is an Attachment Process Questionnaire was created to identify a person's attachment style: A. I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others; I find it difficult to trust them completely, difficult to allow myself to depend on them. I am nervous when anyone gets too close, and often, others want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being B. I find it relatively easy to get close to others and
am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me.
I don’t worry about being abandoned or about
someone getting too close to me C. I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often worry that my partner doesn’t really love me or won’t want to stay with me. I want to get very close to my partner, and this sometimes scares people away avoidant prefer autonomy
at the expense
of close relationships Insecure about partner's love, demanding, overwhelming Can evaluate others as clingy, needy Can evaluate others as distant, rejecting Anxious Avoidant Personal Application He was a latch key kid,
emotionally neglected Mom was alcoholic , was sexually abused
as a child High fear of abandonment High avoidance push too hard for closeness push away from closeness Want to Dance? Jack pursues Lisa, she pulls away. He pursues harder, she pulls away farther. Triggers? Anything....a look, turn of head,
tone of voice....at any time CONFLICT! Solution: Blend Differences JACK Lisa Attracted to
people who
remind us of
our parents Don't Blame! Balance dependence
& independence Know that our
attachment style
stays with us for life. Understand Laws of Couple Relationship Partners may not
know that
attachment styles
affect relationships See patterns Caregiver is a secure base
and infant will show some
distress when they leave
and joy at the reunion. Anxious/
Attachment Child is clingy in strange situations,
upset when caregiver leaves and at
reunion child will re-establish
contact but resists comfort. Avoidant
Attachment Child avoids strange
situations, does not
greet caregiver upon
return and child
ignores strangers. Ainsworth's
Strange Situation Study
of infants and their mothers identified the three attachment styles you saw in the beginning. Her study put a mother and child
in an unfamiliar room.
The mother left the child
returning after
about three minutes. Understand
Security and Insecurity
in children & adults Discover your own attachment style
attracted to Insecure
Attachment AVOIDANT
STYLE Attachment
Graph Bowlby believed attachment began in infancy and continued
through the life span Ainsworth assisted Bowlby and identified 4 basic behaviors of attachment. Secure Anxious/ Avoidant
Ambivalent and discovered... attachments explore their world
from a safe place deal with stress create positive memories first communication is non-verbal 1. 2. 3. 4. Comfortable with intimate
relationships Feels worthy of love more trusting fear confusion broken
intimacy Lack self-worth Scare off partners,
too demanding Fall in love many times Stress when separated Feel unworthy of love Suspicious of "I Love You" Fear of rejection Avoid closeness for fear of abandonment They expanded on Bowlby and Ainsworth and believed:
A couple’s experience of their romantic relationship depends
on their early attachment by their caregiver. Lisa Jack showed high anxiety,
low avoidance When one or both
of them gets triggered Conflict is inevitable and couples bring unresolved
fears, hurts into any relationship. and know that you can change your attachment style and move toward a more secure
intimate relationship! Jack and Lisa took the
attachment style test online.
Lisa was graphed in the low anxiety, high avoidance quadrant. This is labeled as: It can look like this: Insecure attachment styles
can make the conflicts
worse! Attachment
occurs between infants and care-giver Like Mom & Dad To shape future relationships Jack
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