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Liv Monroe

on 24 February 2015

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Transcript of NVC HT

Nonviolent Communication is not using certain words. It is not a particular process.
It is a consciousness.
To establish a
quality of relationship
that inspires
natural giving
Connection First
to Connect

not Evaluation
Requests not Demands
empathy honesty
hear talk
empathy honesty
other's truth self empathy
•The concrete actions I am observing (seeing, hearing, imagining, smelling, remembering, etc.)

•“The highest form of human intelligence is the ability to observe without evaluating.” Krishnamurti
• Vulnerably sharing our feelings in relation to our observations.

• Our feelings get our attention like the ring of a phone, letting us know there's a message for us.

• Feelings are messengers calling attention to what is most important to us; our needs, values,
longings, hopes. Receiving the message connects us with life.

• Although feelings are stimulated by what happens to us, they are actually caused by our beliefs,
assumptions, thoughts, and needs.

• Feelings change from moment to moment.
Goal of Nonviolent Communication:
P r o c e s s
“... I feel ___ ...”
• "Needs" are the "Life Energy" in me that create my feelings.

• Needs are universal; everyone has the same needs.

• Each person is the authority of their needs.

• Needs are general, not about a specific person, thing, place or time.

I FEEL because I NEED not because of YOU
YOU FEEL because YOU NEED not because of ME
“... because I (need, value, hope) ____.”
Requests•Clearly requesting that which would enrich my life without demanding.•“Every request is a beautiful gift.” Rosenberg •Requesting implies that another’s needs are as valuable as one’s own.
“When I (see, hear, imagine, remember) _____...”
"When you _____..."
Compassionate Communication
Nonviolent Communication is not a way of speaking to show that you are nonjudgmental. It is about BEING Nonjudgmental.
• Clearly requesting the concrete actions I
would like taken to enrich my life.

• “Every request is a beautiful gift.” Rosenberg

• Requesting without demand implies that
the other’s needs are as valuable as mine.
Needs not Strategies
Feelings not Ideas
"Out beyond ideas of
wrong-doing and right-doing
there is a field.
I’ll meet you there.

When the soul lies down in that grass.
The world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase,
each other,
doesn’t make any sense."

Nonviolent Communication
My Heart
Your Heart
Steps to
not ideas
not evaluation
not strategies
not demands
not disconnection
Assumptions or Interpretations
Respecting others and self; knowing we all behave as we do in order to meet our common basic needs
Taking Responsibility for our own actions, beliefs, feelings, thoughts, and assumptions.
is not wanting “yes” for an answer, unless it is heart felt.
Remembering we are interdependent.

Our well being is connected to everyone’s
well being.
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is the language of our intention to connect with the humanness and aliveness in others and ourselves.

This quality of connection awakens compassion and the desire to contribute to one another’s well being.

NVC offers concrete tools to connect.
Diagnosing, analyzing, criticizing, categorizing, or judging others or oneself as good or bad —inducing shame—
Denying choice, blaming others for causing our feelings, obscuring choice by saying “I had to..”
—inducing guilt—
Demanding, threatening, bribing
—inducing fear—
Deserve thinking that justifies reward and punishment. Figuring out who is right or wrong and what they deserve.
Giraffe Dance
The Invitation to Dance
Any Event
Your Choice
4 D's of 4 R’s of
Disconnection Reconnection

Diagnose Respect

Deny Choice Responsibility

Demand Request

Deserve Remember
Jackal Show
“Would you be willing to ____?”
Universal Needs

Deep Longings

Core Values




Life Force

True Intentions

What's Important

Underlying Interests
Focus on what is needed rather than on who is right or wrong,
good or bad, deserving or not. Ask, "What do you Need?"
"What would make your life more wonderful?"
Ask it of others and of yourself.
A Consciousness of Needs, of what's Really Important.
A Definition of Respect

I have faith in my ability and the other persons ability to deal with the matter at hand.
I have a genuine curiosity or at least interest in where the other person is coming from.
I am able to acknowledge that I have a part in the situation.
I have access to my feelings and needs regarding the matter and I am able to acknowledge the other person's feelings and needs.
I am able to act respectfully even if the other person is neither willing nor able to respond respectfully.
A true request has no punitive response when the answer is "no."

"No" is saying "yes" to something else that is important.
“When I (see, hear, imagine, remember) _____...”
or "When you _____..."

“... I feel ___ ...”

“... because I (need, value, hope) ____.”

“Would you be willing to ____?”



Speaking Honestly
“When you (see, hear, imagine, remember) _____...”

“... do you feel ___ ...”

“... because you (need, value, hope) ____.”
(repeat feelings & needs until complete)

“Now would you like ____?”



Listening Empathicly
Transforming Enemy Images

From Blame and Shame to Understanding and Compassion

Action Request:

· Do-able
· Specific
· Positive
· Present

Connecting Request:

"Would you be willing...
... to tell me how you feel
having heard this?"
... to say back what you
heard me say?"
“I destroy my enemy by

making him my friend.”

Abraham Lincoln
Draw attention to the DREAM

not the nightmare!
“If you have come here to help me, you are wasting your time.

But, if you have come because your liberation is bound up with mine, let us work together.”

Lila Watson (Aboriginal Australian)
Nonviolent Communication is about being conscious of what you value and courageous enough to live accordingly.
We judge others by their impact.

We judge ourselves by our intent.

Perceive others as you would have others perceive you.

Perceive yourself as you would have others perceive you.
“Violence in any form is a tragic expression of unmet needs.”

Marshall Rosenberg
Nonjudgment day is coming!
Nonviolence starts and resides within each of us

From us it radiates into the world

It is the same for violence

The choice is ours
Every human behavior

is an expression of love

or a cry for love,

a thank you or a please.
“You can blame people who knock over things in the dark or you can begin to bring candles.”
“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.
If you want to be happy, practice compassion.”
His Holiness the Dalai Lama
Empowering Self and Others

When relating to those with lesser power don’t make demands.

When relating to those with more power don't submit or rebel.
“If someone criticizes me, I am not any less because of that.

It is not criticism of me, but critical thinking from him.

He is expressing his thoughts and feelings, not my being.”

Anger usually includes the following:
I am wanting something very much that I am not getting.
I am telling myself someone ought to be giving it to me.
I am about to behave in a way that assures me I will not get it.
Dealing with Anger
1. Stop - breathe
2. Identify thoughts that are causing the anger.
3. Translate the thoughts into the needs behind them.
4. Express - Observation
- Feeling
- Need
- Request
Nonviolent Communication is a way to see, hear and feel the world, others and yourself.

It is not about getting others to do what you want.

It is about growing compassion in yourself and maybe in others.

It is a way to deal with stuff.
If your happiness depends on what someone else does,

you have a problem.
"We cannot win by hating our oppressors.

We have to love them into changing."

Walter Wink
Say what you want,
not what you don't want,
not what is wrong with the other person,
not what is wrong with you.

The natural state of compassion
when all violence has subsided
from the heart.
"Nonviolence means avoiding not only external physical violence, but also internal violence of spirit. You not only refuse to shoot a man, but you refuse to hate him."

Martin Luther King Jr.
Purpose of NVC: "to enable us to respond compassionately to ourselves and others, and to strengthen our ability to inspire compassion from others."
Marshall Rosenberg
Rather than telling others what you would like them to do differently, tell others what you need.

The former is often heard as though they are wrong, disliked or disrespected.
A native American grandfather was talking to his grandson about how he felt.

He said, "I feel as if I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One wolf is the vengeful, angry, violent one. The other wolf is the loving, compassionate one. "

The grandson asked him, "Which wolf will win the fight in your heart?"

The grandfather answered, "The one I feed."
The Line Dividing Good & Evil

If it were all so simple!

If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them.

But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?

Alexsandr Solzhenitsyn
Key to NVC
Needs and Values Consciousness

Although feelings are stimulated by what happens to us, they are actually caused by our beliefs, assumptions and needs. Feelings are valuable messengers calling our attention to what's important to us, what we need and value. Don't blame others for your feelings. Don't give your power away.

Rather than saying: “
feel hurt because
didn't invite me to join you.”
Say: “
feel hurt because
want to be accepted and liked.”

Rather than saying: “
feel exasperated because
lied to me again.”
Say: “
feel exasperated because
value honesty in relationships and I want to be trusted to accept the truth.”

Rather than guessing: “Are
angry because
stayed out past curfew?”
Guess: “Are
angry and scared because
care that I'm safe?”

Rather than saying: “
feel so happy because
came home early.”
Say: “
feel happy and surprised because

ng time with you.”
In 1957 Carl Rogers published a paper entitled, "The Necessary and Sufficient Conditions for Therapeutic Personality Change" in which he posited three conditions which the therapist could fulfill and if he/she could, they would bring about change--
"(1)The second person, whom we shall term the therapist, is congruent or integrated in the relationship.

(2) The therapist experiences unconditional positive regard for the client.


The therapist experiences an empathic understanding of the client's internal frame of reference and endeavors to communicate this experience to the client.
See Me Beautiful

See me beautiful, look for the best in me
It’s what I really am and all I want to be
It may take some time
It may be hard to find
But see me beautiful.

See me beautiful, each and every day
Could you take a chance, could you find a way
To see me shining through
In every thing I do
And see me beautiful
Either / Or Thinking
It's either you or I, not both.
If you are right, I am wrong.
Either you agree with me, or you don't love me.
Either your needs are met, or mine are met.
Polarizes Relationships
Creates Separation
1. Choose a need that you have that seems
to oppose someone else's need.
2. Connect with your own needs.
3. Open fully to the other person's needs.
4. Stretch your heart.
5. Repeat.
4 Step Process
The Dance
Empathic Listening Honest Expression Self Empathy
Nonviolent Communication
Martin Luther King Jr. On Power and Love

"What happened is that some of our philosophers got off base. And one of the great problems of history is that the concepts of
love and power have usually been contrasted as opposites - polar opposites - so that love is identified with a resignation of power, and power with a denial of love.
It was this misinterpretation that caused Nietzsche, who was a philosopher of the will to power, to reject the Christian concept of love. It was this same misinterpretation which induced Christian theologians to reject the Nietzschean philosophy of the will to power in the name of the Christian idea of love.

Power at its best is love implementing the demands of justice, and justice at its best is love correcting everything that stands against love."
Now, we've got to get this thing right. What is needed is a realization that

Power without Love
is Reckless and Abusive,

and Love without Power
is Sentimental and Anemic.
You are unique and special
And so is everyone else.
Virginia Satir
You are perfect just as you are
And you need a little improvement.
empathy honesty
other's truth self empathy
"If that need was met, what would you have that is even more important?"
4 R’s of Reconnection


Taking Responsibility

Remembering Connection

4 D's of 4 R’s of
Disconnection Reconnection

Diagnose Respect

Deny Choice Responsibility

Deserve Remember

Demand Request
Unexpressed FEAR is often interpreted as AGGRESSION
“When I judge something as good, I create the existence of bad”

Intention to Connect
like fish swim in water.

The biggest crisis of our times is disconnection, separation.

Individuals yearn for connection and meaning,
to be seen, heard and valued.
"Any time you get someone to do something only because you have power, it's a very expensive currency, because you pay in their goodwill.
Use it as sparingly as possible." Miki Kashtan
Nonviolent Communication is a path to liberation disguised as a communication model.

NVC is an awareness discipline masquerading as a communication process. Kit Miller
Not a shred of evidence exists to suggest that life is serious. We can liberate ourselves from cultural conditioning!
Yes we can!
NVC Consciousness is surrounded by the
“When you (see, hear, imagine, remember) _____...”

“... do you feel ___ ...”

“... because you (need, value, hope) ____.”
(repeat feelings & needs until complete)

“Now would you like ____?”



Listening Empathically
“When I (see, hear, imagine, remember) _____...”
or "When you _____..."

“... I feel ___ ...”

“... because I (need, value, hope) ____.”

“Would you be willing to ____?”



Speaking Honestly
When do you most want to be treated with compassion?

We connect because of our similarities.

We grow because of our differences.

Virginia Satir
Think of a time someone said or did something you didn't like.

Write down who this person was (e.g. coworker, friend, son, mom).
Please write down the following:

1. Your name
2. One to three things that are very important
to you. Things that make life worth living.
3. Something you can share about you.
4. Something else to share about you.
4. A hope or a wish you have.
My name is 1.___

2.___is/are very important to me.

One thing I like about myself is that 3.___

One thing I don't like is that 4.___

When I grow up I want 5.___
“When I (see, hear, imagine, remember) _____...”

“... I feel ___ ...”

“... because I (need, value, hope) ____.”

“What request do I have of myself right now?”



Self Empathy or Self Compassion
developed by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg
Full transcript