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Transcript of Beowulf
I am Beowulf- hero of Geats. And I am here to prove the Anglo- Saxon tabloids wrong.
Bow before me mortals,
It is I, Grendel, the most
monstrous monster of all
monstrosity. And here's my
way of telling you that the
Anglo-Saxon tabloids got it
Here's how it started. So there's me,
just doing what monsters do, hoarding
treasure, mauling civilians. Walking the
monster walk, doing the monster do. . .
I'm just finishing cleaning off the bones
of my victims when one of my petty,
unpaid servants comes and starts
babbling on and on about this Beowulf
guy. Let me tell you about him. Eugh.
Okay, Beowulf. Description.
Here we go. He's got long
brown hair that blows heroically
in the wind, carries a BIG axe around,
got HUGE muscles, wears two different boots,
and has a five o' clock shadow. I don't know
why I'm making him seem so great. HE'S NOT!
Now, for me. Description-
MUCH BETTER THAN THAT
HOT SHOT, BEOWULF!
Now, here's a picture
of ex- male model, Grendel.
Dashing, ain't I?!
I did what any monster would do,
I let it slide and went back to
my bone-picking process.
A few months later,
I snapped. Okay, so I was
all tired out from wreaking
havoc in a distant village so,
I decided to take a power nap.
After all, I am immensely powerful.
I'm also not the typical jokester.
So, I was dreaming about that singing
cow-antelope when another one of my
still petty, still unpaid servants comes and
wakes me from my slumber.
After I threatened to murder him and eat his first-born child,
You know who he was babbling about, AGAIN. This man who's
got the strength of 10 men in one arm, mesmerizes women, and
is NOWHERE as handsome as me.
Another one of these pathetic "Beowulf"
stories. Blah, blah, blah, blah, threatens
to behead me, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
The thought of that fool makes me
want to vomit. Eugh.
So that was the day our age-old rivalry was born.
I'm quite artistic for an evil, ruthless, menacing, monster. *Thank you.*
Do you like my drawing of Beowulf?
I spent all week on it. Hey! Just because
I'm evil doesn't mean monsters don't want
to have fun, go crazy . . .
So a few hours after, I held my
wild house party, this weirdo Beowulf
loser comes in and crashes the whole
So I'm all like: What the ham are you doing in my
hootenanny house?! And that hot shot says : I'm
here to behead you! See, I've got baby wipes for the
blood that's gonna be squirting out of your neck hole!
Luckily, he also brought some diapers to put on my neck
when I die. He better have brought Pampers 'cause if he
came with Huggies I'm gonna FREAK OUT!
See, COOL DIAPERS.
Anyways, I totally accepted his
challenge after we both put on
our moisturizer and started playing
the "Final Countdown" on my boom
box. Yes, we both own moisturizer
and love listening to Joey Tempest.
So yeah, after we did some Tempest karaoke,
we got ready to kill each other. I sharpened my
claws while Beowulf pulled out the diapers and
baby wipes from his man-purse. Or as he calls it
" Special- Ops Utility Pack."
And our duel to the death began.
And we ran towards each other,
screaming! He punched me upside the face,
I countered with a slash of my claws,
while Joey Tempest echoed through the room.
He grabbed his axe and lunged at my arm,
I pushed him out of the way, but I felt the blade
sink in to my forearm. Normally, I'd fall to the ground
crying, but I knew I couldn't let Joey down.
He smacked me with a baby wipe,
and I growled. I'd had enough. I screehed
and pounced towards him. I truly regret that
He reached for his axe and stuck in my neck. Darn.
As what I thought was flying,
I saw Beowulf smiling a really creepy smile.
Mwa ha ha.
I looked down even more.
I saw Beowulf wrapping diapers
around my neck. I lost. My life.
So from monster heaven, I saw Beowulf
fighting my momma. I screamed "You leave
momma Grendel out of this!" But he did the
same to her as he did to me.
And that kids,
is the story of
how a complete
jerk killed me.
Soon to be a major motion picture.
Follow me on Twitter @discogurl.
Here's my favourite one of my profile pics EVER!
Even Beowulf sent me a few treats,
wait, isn't it a bit insulting to say
that they were THAT old before the
english language was even created?
So yeah, BYE!
The Golden Beowulfs is just stupid.
Is there a such thing
as Beowulf energy?
This is proof that I'm better than Beowulf
in every aspect.