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Bleeding Love: A Peer Education Virtual Workshop

Introduces the basics of teen dating violence, outlines the problem of normalization of abuse in music, and offers a few suggestions for real-life application of how to use music to facilitate conversations with friends about healthy dating.

Melissa Fabello

on 14 November 2012

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Transcript of Bleeding Love: A Peer Education Virtual Workshop

A Teen Peer Education
Virtual Workshop Bleeding Love Teen Dating Abuse
The severity of intimate partner violence is often greater in cases
where the pattern of abuse was established in adolescence. When Love Gets Violent In this video, peer sex educator Laci Green gives an overview of
intimate partner violence (or: domestic violence) in under five minutes. Designed by: Melissa A. Fabello 1 1 in 3 16-24 1 in 3 adolescents is
a victim of abuse
at the hands of
a dating partner teenagers in a
violent relationship
ever tells anyone
about the abuse females between
these ages experience
the highest rate of
partner violence Violent behavior typically begins between the ages of 12 and 18. Remember: Violence doesn't have to be physical. It can also be emotional. 2 The Cycle of Abuse 3 calm The honeymoon phase
No abuse is taking place
Last incident is forgotten Victim becomes fearful
Feels need to placate abuser
Communication breakdown tension reconcile incident Abuse occurs
Anger, blaming, arguing
Threats and intimidation Abuser apologizes
Gives excuses
Blames victim The Power & Control Wheel 4 physical emotional verbal destruction intimidation restriction authority sexual any attempt
to cause
bodily harm
to partner any
to manipulate
partner's thoughts
& feelings any words
used to
self-worth any attempt
to destroy
or alter
belongings any attempt
to use looks,
actions, tones,
or expressions
to scare partner any attempt
to limit
free will any attempt
to use
to control
partner any unwanted
exposure or
advances to
partner Emotional Abuse 4 Why Do People Stay in
Abusive Relationships? (5)(6) References About the
Author Melissa A. Fabello is a graduate student of Human Sexuality Education at Widener University, as well as a feminist blogger
and online sex educator.

@fyeahmfabello Emotional abuse can be a reason why people stay in bad relationships
because of the manipulation and brainwashing.

Emotional abuse can be difficult to identify. Here are some examples. ignoring neglecting victim-blaming brainwashing mind games jealousy constant contact checking in possessiveness threats restriction of clothing, friends,
activities, or family time via phone calls, text messages, etc. the silent treatment "Where are you?"
"Who are you with?"
"When will you be home?" "If you _____, I'll _____." "You know I don't want to be like this."
"If you didn't _____, I wouldn't have _____."
"You know what sets me off."
"You bring this on yourself." "You're all mine."
"Come home now and be with me." not listening to requests or concerns "What are you doing with him?"
"You don't need your friends; you have me."
"I don't like it when you talk to her." purposely confusing or hurting "Don't listen to her; she doesn't understand us."
"You'd be nothing without me."
"You need me." manipulation guilt-tripping decision-making without the input of partner control when, what, where, and who Can you think of some more? Some people may not know what a healthy relationship looks like. They might think that the behavior is common or be
so in love that their hope is for their abuser to change,
not for the relationship to end entirely. common love hope change Normalizing Behavior Normalization is something we do to make the abnormal normal by discounting or minimizing the behavior to make it acceptable.

We might talk or joke about the behaviors, for instance, in such a way that implies that they're average or funny, rather than serious or questionable. 7 How do these memes (found on Tumblr) normalize abuse? Music & Lyrics
Can you recognize all four stages in the lyrics?
Does the relationship come to an end, or does it continue in the cycle?
How might this song be problematic for a listener? Music & Lyrics Perhaps most upsetting is how many songs normalize staying in bad relationships
in the name of love, often dismissing the concern of others as a misunderstanding. Note But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
--Leona Lewis, "Bleeding Love" Normalizing Behavior How does this song by Maroon 5 normalize the Cycle of Abuse? Then you come around again and say
Baby, I miss you,
And I swear I'm gonna change
--Taylor Swift, "We Are Never,
Ever Getting Back Together" My fingertips are holding onto
The cracks in our foundation
And I know that I should let go, but I can't
And every time we fight
I know it's not right...
I know I should forget, but I can't
--Kate Nash, "Foundations" Being with you is so dysfunctional
I know I shouldn't miss you
But I can't get you go
Because we belong together now
--Kelly Clarkson, "My Life Would Suck
Without You" It's sick that all these battles
Are what keep me satisfied...
So maybe I'm a masochist
I try to run, but I don't ever want to leave
--Rihanna, "Love the Way You Lie (Part 2)" I'd rather argue with you
Than to be with someone else
--Kanye West, "Blame Game" They say be afraid...
They don't understand you
--Katy Perry, "E.T." How Can I Help? Promote
Good Examples Question Bad Examples Social Media
Engagement seriously we t h i n k o f it as something that m a n y p e o p l e experience when our abusive ? when we normalize bad behavior we taking it s t o p culture -- like, for instance, in the form of music -- can reinforce these false beliefs and convince us that abuse is normal ! The one thing that I still know
Is that you're keeping me down...
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
--Sara Bareilles, "Gravity" It's like I'm her new nightmare
She ain't escaping
It makes me feel a bit complete
--Kid Cudi, "Erase Me" music is a p o w e r f u l f o r m o f expression the aforementioned songs are NOT necessarily about a b u s e , but they be. could BUT! it never hurts to a s k questions. ^ thoughtful relationships Resources 1. Love Is Respect. Dating abuse statistics. Retrieved from http://www.loveisrespect.org/pdf/Dating_Abuse_Statistics.pdf

2. Green, L. When love gets violent [Video file]. Retrieved from youtu.be/FjfZaswsbPs

3. Walker, L.E. (1979). The battered woman. New York: Harper and Row.

4. National Center on Domestic and Sexual Violence. Teens experiencing abuse relationships (TEAR) power and control wheel. Retrieved from http://www.ncdsv.org/images/TeensAgainstAbuse_TEAR-PandCWheel_2009.pdf 5. VOX Teen Communications. Spoken word: Why do teens stay in abusive relationships? [Video file]. Retrieved from youtu.be/-8o-t5E_JKM

6. Love Is Respect. Why do people stay in abusive relationships? Retrieved from http://www.loveisrespect.org/pdf/Why_Do_People_Stay_In_Abusive_Relationships.pdf

7. Stand Up Guys. Normalizing behavior. Retrieved from http://rochesterstandupguys.blogspot.com/2008/07/normalized-behavior.html

8. Love Is Respect. Help a friend. Retrieved from http://www.loveisrespect.org/pdf/Help_A_Friend.pdf Websites LoveIsRespect.org Novels Dreamland, by Sarah Dessen
Rage: A Love Story, by Julie Anne Peters Hotline 866.331.9474 are how, then, can we r e c o g n i z e if... YOU what will do today to change change tomorrow YOU 8 1. Reach out. 2. Be supportive. 3. Connect people to resources. 4. De-normalize abuse. 5. Raise awareness. If and when you see your friends engaging in or talking about abusive behavior or posting questionable lyrics, it's okay to ask about it. It can open the door to an important conversation! "How does it make you feel
when he talks down to you?" "Does her jealousy make you
uncomfortable?" "Do you think this song is a good
example of a healthy relationship?
Why or why not?" "Are you happy?" "Do you see a pattern in
these lyrics? What is it?" When you hear or talk about songs that promote walking away from a dangerous relationship, talk about why that is a good choice for the songwriter, and start an engaging conversation about how that idea to applies to you, your friends, and your social circle.

Some examples of these kinds of songs are: "Stronger" by
Kelly Clarkson "This Is the Part of Me"
by Katy Perry "We Are Never, Ever
Getting Back Together"
by Taylor Swift "Jar of Hearts" by
Christina Perri "Skyscraper" by
Demi Lovato People use Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr to express themselves.
You can use the same media to express concerns! Post a music video on Facebook
and ask people to comment on
the relationship that it represents! Send a message (anonymous or not)
on Tumblr to someone that you follow
who you think might be in trouble, letting
him/her know that you care! See something questionable on Twitter from someone you go to school with? Make them a card to cheer them up, adding a link to a site like LoveIsRespect.org. Send this virtual workshop to
someone who you think might
be in need or who might just
be interested! Tweet me your ideas, reactions,
and good deeds! TRIGGER WARNING. This video contains a graphic 911 call. Skip the first 22 seconds if needed.
Full transcript