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Managing Anger Middle School
Transcript of Managing Anger Middle School
Anger is natural
Anger is complex!
Underlying or Primary Emotions
Actions of others
Inaction of others
...underneath our anger
Not in control
Power of Thoughts
Negative thoughts cause negative feelings & actions
He did that on purpose!
She did that on purpose!
That's not fair!
This phone is a
piece of junk!
It's okay to get angry if...
it's the right time
it's in the right place
it's with the right person
Safety - security, protection, stability
Basic - food, water, sleep, shelter
Love & Belonging - friendship, family, connections
Self-Actualization: achieving potential
Self-talk that leads to you keeping your power
I can handle this...
it's not worth
I can't control how other people act, not matter how angry I get. It's not the end of the world.
My phone is broken.
It can be fixed or replaced.
This will seem stupid later.
I don't have to prove myself.
Bottle it up
Explode into rage
Sense of power (doesn't last) and we often end up with more problems & regrets
Physical harm to self or others
Destruction of property
Loss of privileges
Can you think of any examples when anger has brought about positive changes?
What are possible consequences of aggression in your.....
Which is easier to express or admit to others?
Anger or Embarrassment?
Anger or Sadness?
Anger or Fear?
Anger or Rejection?
1. Stop & think carefully before you act.
Steps to Take When Angry
2. Be realistic, not optimistic.
3. Do what is best for you (not what is bad for the other person).
4. Look to the situation for blame (not just individuals).
Know How You Feel (underlying emotions)
Use Self-Reminders (self-talk)
Give Yourself Feedback
YOU HAVE THE POWER
Ask a good question
Express your feelings
Focus on behavior
Anger can be both
harmful and useful.
your thinking styles may lead to negative feelings
discounting good things
jumping to conclusions
You have a choice!
Accept your feelings and
choose your actions!
Are you a puppet
on a string?
(Physical Warning Signs)
(expression of anger)
Cycle Of Anger
negative or positive - your choice!
if negative may lead to more anger
positive or negative - depends on self-talk
Immediate Release of Anger
Talk to a friend
squeeze a balloon
write a letter
then tear it up
When have you
at the wrong time?
in the wrong place?
with the wrong person?
Anger becomes a problem when...
felt too intensely
felt too frequently
results in negative consequences
results in negative self-concept
Stand up for yourself and others
Watch your thoughts, words, actions
Take ownerships of hurtful
things you do and say
Seeing 1 event that didn't turn out well as part of a never-ending pattern of failure or disappointment.
If something isn't 100%
perfect, it's a total failure
Imagining the worst
If we didn't get something out of 'going off' we wouldn't keep doing it!
We get to blow off steam, release pressure!
The more we allow ourselves to "go off", the stronger our
becomes and the
more difficult it gets to control.
We tend to use anger to hide other painful feelings like...
These emotions are painful, so it is easier to hide behind a mask of
attempt to avoid suffering
as a bandaid.
Why is this a problem?
We may lose our sense of awareness of painful feelings.
Feelings are often a signal that we need to change.
If we ignore these signals we may get stuck and nothing gets better.
And the feelings we ignore get worse over time.
Anger gets us attention
Maybe we feel ignored so we yell in order to get others to pay attention.
We feel satisfied when we 'get back' at someone who has hurt or offended us.
Using our anger to:
'teach someone a lesson'
or to punish them
or make them feel as much pain as we felt
People go back and forth hurting each other, increasing their aggression each time. Ultimately this can lead to violence
and broken relationships.
Which are your anger payoffs?
blow off steam, relieve stress?
'save face' hide emotions?
getting your way or what you want?
If you chose to give up the payoffs you get from anger, what would be better or different?
Who do you think you learned your anger habits from?
What need were you trying to get met the last time you acted in anger?
Is this going to matter a month from now?
Is this going to matter a week from now?
Why are you treating me disrespectfully?
Ask others: "That's interesting... why would you say (ask me) (do) that (to me)?" ("do that; ask that?") or "That's interesting... tell me more."
Instead of "You're being unfair!"...
"I think it's unfair when I have to clean up by myself and Jake doesn't have to help."
I feel left out when you talk about the party I wasn't invited to.
even when someone is disrespectful to you
Calling him those names is racist and wrong; I need you to stop it now!
Anger is unique. Most negative emotions make people cautious and pessimistic. Anger, however, tends to make people optimistic and feel more in control of situations.
some use anger as a shield...
Anger is like a hill...
When you get
to the top you
are out of control
Try to catch yourself before
you get to the top
Hurtful words or actions
are like nails in a fence...
once they are hammered
in the damage is done
of Conflict Solving
Have you ever been talking to someone and you felt like they weren't listening?
What did they do?
Common Listening Errors:
Assuming we know what the person is telling us
We are thinking of a response instead of listening.
Uncomfortable silence forces our responses
We are competitive and defensive
Active Listening Skills:
ask questions to clarify
reflect on speaker's feelings
verbal & non-verbal cues
When dealing with conflict...
avoid defending yourself right away
deal with emotions first; acknowledge theirs
move toward options for change or solutions
3 Communication Styles
unable or unwilling to express thoughts and feelings
standing up for oneself while considering the rights of others
bullying and intimidating others
appearing passive but indirectly aggressive (muttering, sarcasm, etc.)
Tips for Being Assertive
avoids the problem, lacks confidence
speaks clearly & confidently, honest, direct, appropriate
hostile, sarcastic, blaming, selfish, demanding
Use "I" statements:
"I do not like it when you make fun of me. I know you say you are kidding, but I need you to stop."
Rehearse what you want to say.
say it to a friend, in front of a mirror, etc.
Practice in a low risk situation (with a close friend, sibling, etc.).
Use body language.
Act confident even if you don't feel it; maintain eye contact; keep a neutral or positive facial expression
when you make one little mistake, and it becomes so big in your mind that it spoils everything else in your day
- refuses to fight;
avoids facing the problem
- pretend nothing is wrong;
refuses to face up to a conflict
- more interested in finding fault than solving a conflict
- attacks other's behavior by making sarcastic comments. If called out, they might say, "I was only kidding!" Never share what is really bothering them.
- analyze others trying to explain what is wrong with them; refuse to handle own feelings.
- setting up behavior of others then attack the very thing they requested.
- instead of expressing themselves they punish others with silence or frosty replies.
- put anger in a gunnysack until it bursts and then they release their pent-up feelings all at once (sometimes on someone that is not involved in the conflict.
- kids around when others want to be serious blocking expressions of important feelings
Kitchen Sink Fighter
- brings up things totally off the subject during conflict
- avoid conflicts by crying when others express dissatisfaction about anything.
- try to make others feel guilty instead of dealing directly with conflict (saying "It's okay" followed by a huge sigh).
- in an attempt to 'get even' or hurt others they use sensitive knowledge 'hitting below the belt'.
- type of avoider; changes the subject whenever a conflict arises
Anger: Myth or Not?
All anger is unhealthy and destructive.
Angry people yell and scream a lot.
It is okay to express anger in ways that hurt others.
Nice people do not feel anger.
It is a good idea to hit a pillow or something else soft if I am angry.
People cannot help acting in anger; it is in their genes.
People can be angry and others may not know it.
When people feel angry, someone else has caused them to feel that way.
People cannot love someone and also get angry with him or her.
People can control their tempers.
Self-talk is the conversation you have with yourself inside your head... your thoughts about a situation