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Transcript of Managing Anger
Anger is "an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage," according to Charles Spielberger, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in the study of anger. Like other emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes; when you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of your energy hormones, adrenaline, and noradrenaline.
Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry at a specific person (such as a coworker or supervisor) or event (a traffic jam, a canceled flight), or your anger could be caused by worrying or brooding about your personal problems. Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also trigger angry feelings.
Make sure to take enough space so that you can see clearly, without the blood pounding through your eyes and creating a fine, red, veil of rage. Go pound a pillow, cry, tear old newspapers into tiny shreds, or meditate and relax. How about pounding the pillow and crying, then relaxing?
Watch that you're not responding to the lowly straw that broke the camel's back as though the straw is the only reason the back is broken. In other words, if you've had a rough day—you dumped a pot of tea over your lap in the morning, you forgot your report at home before a major client meeting and had to go back for it, and you spilled shoe dye all over your pants, shirt, floor, and wall when it “exploded” as you were trying to open it—don't lose it and belt your kid when he calls you a “dork.”
If the world is a grim, hard place today, warn your family that they're in the presence of an ogre. This doesn't give you free rein to act like an ogre. Or, let them know that you're like an airplane out of control. Putting out warning lights on the runway as you attempt an emergency landing might keep others from being crushed as you crash.
Even if your reaction is to utterly blow it, try to pull it together to respond effectively.
Work as hard as you can to express your anger clearly. Use language that demonstrates your emotions, needs, and values. Using “I” statements to state what you are angry about, and what you would like changed, shows your child how strongly you feel about her, and her behavior.
Once a conflict has been resolved, check in with yourself to see how you really feel. Is the anger still there? Find a friend or shrink to vent on, or jot it down in a journal. Don't bottle it up (see “The Icy Chill of Withdrawal,” above).
Use Anger In A Positive Way
Hasten to forgiveness from your Lord and a garden as wide as the heavens and the earth prepared for the righteous, those who spend in charity at times of ease and difficulty, who suppress their anger and pardon people, for Allah loves those who are excellent.
Surat Ali Imran 3:134
Thus, the components of excellence in behavior consist of the mindfulness of Allah (taqwa) that prevents us from committing sins, charity as a philosophy of life, controlling our anger, and forgiving people. The truly excellent are those who have all of these characteristics in their deeds.
Our heart beats rate and blood pressure go up; this is a direct effect of excessive adrenalin in our system. Our physical strength increases although spiritual strength decreases. Our intellect or power to reason disappears, and things we would not justify in a normal state become acceptable.
What Happens To Us Psychologically When We Get Angry?
Example: The election of Donald Trump as president of the United States is the biggest political earthquake of our times, and its reverberations are inescapably global. It has fully revealed an enormous pent-up anger – which had first become visible in the mass acclaim in Russia and Turkey for pitiless despots and the electoral triumph of bloody strongmen in India and the Philippines.
We find ourselves in an age of anger, with authoritarian leaders manipulating the cynicism and discontent of furious majorities. What used to be called “Muslim rage”, and identified with mobs of brown-skinned men with bushy beards, is suddenly manifest globally, among saffron-robed Buddhist ethnic-cleansers in Myanmar, as well as blond white nationalists in Germany. Violent hate crimes have blighted even the oldest of parliamentary democracies, with the murder of the MP Jo Cox by a British neo-Nazi during the venomous campaign for Brexit. Suddenly, as the liberal thinker Michael Ignatieff recently wrote: “Enlightenment humanism and rationalism” can no longer adequately “explain the world we’re living in.”
The Age of Anger (Politics)
Anger & Feeling Powerful
The Science of Anger
to Keeping Anger At Bay
Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down angry feelings. There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques, and once you learn the techniques, you can call upon them in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these techniques.
Some simple steps you can try:
Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won't relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your "gut." Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply. Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination. Nonstrenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.
Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you're in a tense situation.
Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse).
Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it's justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world is "not out to get you," you're just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you, and it'll help you get a more balanced perspective. Angry people tend to demand things: fairness, appreciation, agreement, willingness to do things their way. Everyone wants these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we don't get them, but angry people demand them, and when their demands aren't met, their disappointment becomes anger. As part of their cognitive restructuring, angry people need to become aware of their demanding nature and translate their expectations into desires. In other words, saying, "I would like" something is healthier than saying, "I demand" or "I must have" something. When you're unable to get what you want, you will experience the normal reactions—frustration, disappointment, hurt—but not anger. Some angry people use this anger as a way to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn't mean the hurt goes away.
Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it's a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn't always the case. The best attitude to bring to such a situation, then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle and face the problem.
Make a plan, and check your progress along the way. Resolve to give it your best, but also not to punish yourself if an answer doesn't come right away. If you can approach it with your best intentions and efforts and make a serious attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem does not get solved right away.