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6 Reasons You're Stuck
Transcript of 6 Reasons You're Stuck
They Don't Feel Heard
You're Working On the Wrong Thing
You're Missing a Cultural Piece
Equal and Opposite Reaction
“If only it were all so simple! If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?”
Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, The Gulag Archipelago
“When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.”
― Ernest Hemingway
“Don’t give people what they want, give them what they need.”
― Joss Whedon
I think it's useful, as a famous person, to have as little separation between the perception of you and
how you really are -
because otherwise I'd be
sitting here thinking I'm
keeping secrets, and
wondering when you're
going to find out.
Preservation of one's own culture does not require contempt or disrespect for other cultures.
- Cesar Chavez
is in the way
Narrative Therapy "externalizes" the problem and makes that the bad guy
Bad Guy Principles
Any Problem can be pinned on a "bad guy"
The bad guy is almost always out of the room
Bring the bad guy into the room and
pretty soon he's just a guy
Guiding Principle of Bad Guy Theory:
There are no bad people, only people.
Hurt people, hurt other people.
ex: depression, angry tiger, "what if"
Clues that You're
Working on the Wrong Thing
Goals came from you, not the family
Everything There is to Know About Another Person
What They Want You to Know
What They Don't Want You to Know
What You Know
What You Don't Know
No shows - lack of investment in services
Like a Black Hole, you can't see the secret but the way objects around it behave tells you that there is something there
Culture is the Rules of
It's critical that we understand the family culture in order to identify what strategies are likely to work
example: if dad is the decision maker in the family, you won't make much progress if he's not in your meetings
For more: Culture Beyond Ethnicity
People need to feel like you understand where they are coming from.
This is different than whether or not you actually understand them
This needs to happen before they are willing to hear you.
Active listening is the most useful therapeutic skill by a wide margin.
Eye contact, no distractions,
Repeat back your understanding of what they are saying periodically
Reference what they have said when you speak about their situation
Therapist empathy, genuineness, and warmth and patient therapeutic outcome.
Truax, Charles B.; Wargo, Donald G.; Frank, Jerome D.; Imber, Stanley D.; Battle, Carolyn C.; Hoehn-Saric, Rudolf; Nash, Earl H.; Stone, Anthony R.
Journal of Consulting Psychology, Vol 30(5), Oct 1966, 395-401.
"therapists providing high therapeutic conditions had 90% patient improvement while those providing lower conditions had 50% improvement"
Study measured therapist empathy, warmth and genuineness
"High-empathy counselors appear to have higher success rates regardless of theoretical orientation. Low-empathy and confrontational counseling, in contrast, has been associated with higher drop-out and relapse rates, weaker therapeutic alliance, and less client change"
Is low therapist empathy toxic?
Moyers, Theresa B.; Miller, William R.
Psychology of Addictive Behaviors, Vol 27(3), Sep 2013, 878-884.
When everything you've tried fails, try doing the opposite
Stop trying (chasing, begging, rescuing)
if the answer is always no, ask them to do the thing you're trying to prevent
Humans have a sense of fear that evolved for a world where threats to survival occurred on a daily basis
As a result fear itself is often much more of a problem than the thing we are fearful of
but we have built ourselves a world where true threats are much less common
In American culture there is a lot of pressure, especially on men, to be brave and tough and not afraid of anything
This leads to a tendency to ignore, rationalize, or explain away fears but these strategies don't make the underlying fear go away
You're working hard on what they say they want but nothing's happening