is loading.
0:00
Current Time 0:00
Duration 7:49
1x
Poster image

Audio Transcript Auto-generated

  • 00:00 - 00:01

    alright,

  • 00:01 - 00:07

    November 2022 day two and tonight for our tool recovery that

  • 00:07 - 00:11

    I'm going to focus on will be out of this book,

  • 00:11 - 00:14

    Courageous Love, which is one I prepared earlier.

  • 00:14 - 00:18

    And we used this book for couples that are trying to work their

  • 00:18 - 00:24

    way through the impact of betrayal from infidelity largely from sex addiction.

  • 00:24 - 00:28

    And this tool is called The Fan Knows Tool.

  • 00:28 - 00:31

    And it's found in the latter part of this book.

  • 00:31 - 00:34

    After you've done a full disclosure that a

  • 00:34 - 00:36

    partner has shared their full impact statement,

  • 00:36 - 00:39

    emotional restitution has been shared.

  • 00:39 - 00:41

    And then you get onto, um,

  • 00:41 - 00:45

    the latter chapters around rebuilding trust and intimacy.

  • 00:45 - 00:47

    And and so I'm going to read you a little bit

  • 00:47 - 00:51

    of the preamble on this particular commitment in the relationship,

  • 00:52 - 00:55

    and and then you can sort of take this here.

  • 00:55 - 00:58

    Um, Stephanie Kearns, who wrote this book, got this tool,

  • 00:58 - 01:03

    as you can see there from Debbie Lhasa from shattered vows.

  • 01:03 - 01:07

    So I'll read the preamble and then we'll talk a little bit about it.

  • 01:07 - 01:11

    So it's from commitment. Number seven Rebuild emotional intimacy.

  • 01:11 - 01:16

    Good relationships are built on emotional intimacy, not sexual intimacy.

  • 01:16 - 01:20

    In fact, good sex is also built on emotional intimacy.

  • 01:20 - 01:24

    If you feel a deep connection with your partner, you will have a stronger bond,

  • 01:24 - 01:28

    a better sex life together and a more enjoyable friendship.

  • 01:29 - 01:34

    But after a betrayal, emotional intimacy can be strained and diminished.

  • 01:34 - 01:36

    This loss is not.

  • 01:36 - 01:39

    This loss is not repaired simply because the cheating

  • 01:39 - 01:42

    stops and both partners enter a process of recovery

  • 01:43 - 01:46

    to restore or perhaps create, for the first time,

  • 01:46 - 01:49

    a sense of emotional intimacy in your relationship.

  • 01:49 - 01:50

    It has suggested

  • 01:50 - 01:52

    that you set some time aside each day usually,

  • 01:53 - 01:57

    though not necessarily at the end of the day. For a mutual check in.

  • 01:58 - 02:00

    At this prearranged time,

  • 02:00 - 02:05

    you and your partner sit down in a quiet space where you will not be disturbed.

  • 02:05 - 02:07

    You can then share your thoughts and feelings.

  • 02:07 - 02:12

    Marc and Debra Lhasa created a couple's check in called

  • 02:12 - 02:15

    The Fan Knows that has been very helpful for Couples.

  • 02:15 - 02:19

    The fantasy is an acronym Couples can use to show share

  • 02:19 - 02:22

    what is going on with them on a daily basis,

  • 02:22 - 02:24

    and I'll go through that in a section, but

  • 02:24 - 02:26

    in a second. But I'll just read the last piece.

  • 02:26 - 02:29

    Both partners should check in using this formula as a

  • 02:29 - 02:33

    way of knowing what the other is thinking and feeling.

  • 02:33 - 02:38

    Take turns going first and recognise that this does not need to be a long,

  • 02:38 - 02:39

    drawn out discussion.

  • 02:39 - 02:41

    It's simply a brief,

  • 02:41 - 02:44

    yet honest and vulnerable daily check in that helps the two

  • 02:44 - 02:48

    of you be honest and stay connected and develop intimacy.

  • 02:49 - 02:59

    Now I, um, support couples have done studied emotional focus therapy and, uh,

  • 02:59 - 03:02

    do help couples through the process of

  • 03:02 - 03:06

    addressing full disclosure after a discovery or

  • 03:06 - 03:11

    disclosure around being a sex addict so that this tool is really useful.

  • 03:11 - 03:14

    But I don't want to understate just how hard it is to use.

  • 03:14 - 03:18

    Also in last year's November campaign, I did the safer check in,

  • 03:18 - 03:23

    and I sort of think that that's safer Check in is it's longer and, um,

  • 03:23 - 03:27

    looks at the mistrust issues that a partner needs for safety

  • 03:27 - 03:31

    and the transparency issues that an addict needs to build trust

  • 03:32 - 03:33

    so that that's safer.

  • 03:33 - 03:36

    Checking is good to look at for like a weekly check in,

  • 03:36 - 03:41

    but I think this one here as it's laid out there, um, I'll read through it and and, um,

  • 03:41 - 03:43

    maybe just give you my thoughts on it.

  • 03:43 - 03:46

    So it's a daily checking for couples from the Greek word,

  • 03:46 - 03:50

    and I'll never pronounce that right for you guys that study Greek part of theology.

  • 03:50 - 03:53

    FIA knows which means to bring to light.

  • 03:54 - 03:57

    So so we initially checking our feelings.

  • 03:57 - 04:00

    So we stayed our feelings, not our thoughts really hard to do,

  • 04:00 - 04:03

    especially for addicts to use feeling words I know in

  • 04:03 - 04:07

    the book called Helper Hell by Carol Juergens and Sheets,

  • 04:07 - 04:09

    he just keeps it to five main feelings.

  • 04:09 - 04:14

    But if we can use feelings words I know here, I've got a feelings cushion here.

  • 04:14 - 04:16

    I keep in the room. I won't go and get it now that

  • 04:16 - 04:17

    that helps.

  • 04:17 - 04:21

    Even I give it to the kids sometimes and get them to check in what they're feeling.

  • 04:21 - 04:27

    So you state your feeling sad, Glad mad and, you know, um, shame, guilt. What?

  • 04:27 - 04:32

    What what feelings are you feeling now? As you sit across from each other

  • 04:33 - 04:37

    affirmation. Give your spouse and affirmation or say thank you for something.

  • 04:37 - 04:41

    It can so easily get lost in family life or when there's a lot of tension in a

  • 04:41 - 04:45

    relationship that we we don't focus on on something

  • 04:45 - 04:47

    that the other person might be doing well.

  • 04:47 - 04:51

    Or sometimes what we affirm might be, you know, something wrapped in newspaper,

  • 04:51 - 04:52

    not shiny paper.

  • 04:52 - 04:56

    But we take that chance to focus on an affirmation

  • 04:56 - 04:59

    of that other person so they can feel given to

  • 05:00 - 05:03

    needs. Ask for something you need today, not necessarily from your spouse.

  • 05:03 - 05:04

    Be specific.

  • 05:04 - 05:08

    One of the things addicts can do is disconnect from their needs and wants and

  • 05:09 - 05:11

    and focus just on wants.

  • 05:11 - 05:13

    So tuning into what you need today,

  • 05:13 - 05:15

    whether it's from the other person or in your life,

  • 05:15 - 05:18

    can be a good practise and for betrayed spouses.

  • 05:18 - 05:22

    Sometimes they can also feel really shut down and not given to,

  • 05:22 - 05:24

    so it's a good chance for us to share.

  • 05:24 - 05:26

    What do we need from each other today?

  • 05:26 - 05:31

    For a betrayed spouse, it might be a very literal need of I need to check your phone.

  • 05:31 - 05:34

    You came home late last night, or I'm not sure. Can I check your email?

  • 05:34 - 05:37

    So so sometimes the needs can be very specific.

  • 05:37 - 05:39

    Sometimes they can be more existential.

  • 05:39 - 05:41

    We might need to own something,

  • 05:41 - 05:43

    own something that you did or said that you

  • 05:43 - 05:46

    know that you need to take responsibility for Apologise.

  • 05:46 - 05:47

    For, uh,

  • 05:47 - 05:52

    this is very much out of a step 10 to from a 12 step fellowship where

  • 05:52 - 05:54

    we we continue to take inventory and when

  • 05:54 - 05:56

    we're wrong promptly admit it's a resentment,

  • 05:56 - 06:01

    doesn't build up and were more likely to be giving and selfless to someone.

  • 06:01 - 06:07

    If we can own our resentment and then for for addicts, it's a report on our sobriety.

  • 06:07 - 06:08

    What? How are we going?

  • 06:08 - 06:11

    What's the closest we've come in thought, word or deed?

  • 06:11 - 06:14

    We might have acted out, but are we going okay?

  • 06:15 - 06:19

    And it's important to be able to continue to get the trust and safety issues met

  • 06:19 - 06:24

    for our partner that we need to be transparent in sharing where our recoveries at.

  • 06:24 - 06:26

    One of the biggest complaints I see in

  • 06:26 - 06:32

    in the work of a disclosure is partners get so angry and their impact that they have

  • 06:32 - 06:36

    to feel that they've got to find the right question to get the answers they need.

  • 06:36 - 06:39

    So it's a great practise for addicts in recovery to be able to go.

  • 06:39 - 06:44

    Look, here's what I need to say about my recovery today, and sometimes it's a win,

  • 06:44 - 06:49

    and sometimes it's a struggle, but the honesty is what rebuilds the trust.

  • 06:49 - 06:51

    So, guys, this is all for November.

  • 06:51 - 06:56

    This is the mo space if you Q r code that with

  • 06:56 - 06:59

    your phone that will take you through to my November page,

  • 06:59 - 07:01

    any donations you can give us Great.

  • 07:01 - 07:04

    If you know someone else do in November, don't give it to me. Give it to your friends.

  • 07:04 - 07:06

    It's always nice when you see a little bit

  • 07:06 - 07:09

    of money trickle in to go towards men's health,

  • 07:09 - 07:11

    and this is why do November.

  • 07:11 - 07:16

    So if you can have a look at that page, I do a video every day in in, um,

  • 07:17 - 07:23

    the November period, and I also am giving a daily update on my move. November.

  • 07:23 - 07:24

    Obviously, I didn't shave down.

  • 07:24 - 07:28

    I'm doing 10,000 steps a day in the not five K run app

  • 07:28 - 07:33

    for this month as 22 for my physical health and well being.

  • 07:33 - 07:38

    So that's November day to I want to keep these videos short and concise.

  • 07:38 - 07:41

    I hope this explanation of the fan knows as a recovery tool

  • 07:41 - 07:45

    found in the book Courageous Love by Stephanie Kearns has been useful,

  • 07:45 - 07:47

    and with that, I'll say goodnight