Audio Transcript Auto-generated
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alright,
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November 2022 day two and tonight for our tool recovery that
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I'm going to focus on will be out of this book,
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Courageous Love, which is one I prepared earlier.
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And we used this book for couples that are trying to work their
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way through the impact of betrayal from infidelity largely from sex addiction.
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And this tool is called The Fan Knows Tool.
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And it's found in the latter part of this book.
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After you've done a full disclosure that a
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partner has shared their full impact statement,
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emotional restitution has been shared.
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And then you get onto, um,
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the latter chapters around rebuilding trust and intimacy.
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And and so I'm going to read you a little bit
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of the preamble on this particular commitment in the relationship,
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and and then you can sort of take this here.
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Um, Stephanie Kearns, who wrote this book, got this tool,
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as you can see there from Debbie Lhasa from shattered vows.
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So I'll read the preamble and then we'll talk a little bit about it.
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So it's from commitment. Number seven Rebuild emotional intimacy.
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Good relationships are built on emotional intimacy, not sexual intimacy.
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In fact, good sex is also built on emotional intimacy.
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If you feel a deep connection with your partner, you will have a stronger bond,
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a better sex life together and a more enjoyable friendship.
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But after a betrayal, emotional intimacy can be strained and diminished.
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This loss is not.
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This loss is not repaired simply because the cheating
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stops and both partners enter a process of recovery
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to restore or perhaps create, for the first time,
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a sense of emotional intimacy in your relationship.
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It has suggested
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that you set some time aside each day usually,
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though not necessarily at the end of the day. For a mutual check in.
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At this prearranged time,
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you and your partner sit down in a quiet space where you will not be disturbed.
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You can then share your thoughts and feelings.
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Marc and Debra Lhasa created a couple's check in called
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The Fan Knows that has been very helpful for Couples.
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The fantasy is an acronym Couples can use to show share
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what is going on with them on a daily basis,
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and I'll go through that in a section, but
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in a second. But I'll just read the last piece.
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Both partners should check in using this formula as a
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way of knowing what the other is thinking and feeling.
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Take turns going first and recognise that this does not need to be a long,
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drawn out discussion.
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It's simply a brief,
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yet honest and vulnerable daily check in that helps the two
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of you be honest and stay connected and develop intimacy.
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Now I, um, support couples have done studied emotional focus therapy and, uh,
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do help couples through the process of
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addressing full disclosure after a discovery or
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disclosure around being a sex addict so that this tool is really useful.
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But I don't want to understate just how hard it is to use.
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Also in last year's November campaign, I did the safer check in,
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and I sort of think that that's safer Check in is it's longer and, um,
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looks at the mistrust issues that a partner needs for safety
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and the transparency issues that an addict needs to build trust
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so that that's safer.
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Checking is good to look at for like a weekly check in,
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but I think this one here as it's laid out there, um, I'll read through it and and, um,
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maybe just give you my thoughts on it.
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So it's a daily checking for couples from the Greek word,
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and I'll never pronounce that right for you guys that study Greek part of theology.
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FIA knows which means to bring to light.
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So so we initially checking our feelings.
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So we stayed our feelings, not our thoughts really hard to do,
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especially for addicts to use feeling words I know in
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the book called Helper Hell by Carol Juergens and Sheets,
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he just keeps it to five main feelings.
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But if we can use feelings words I know here, I've got a feelings cushion here.
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I keep in the room. I won't go and get it now that
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that helps.
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Even I give it to the kids sometimes and get them to check in what they're feeling.
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So you state your feeling sad, Glad mad and, you know, um, shame, guilt. What?
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What what feelings are you feeling now? As you sit across from each other
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affirmation. Give your spouse and affirmation or say thank you for something.
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It can so easily get lost in family life or when there's a lot of tension in a
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relationship that we we don't focus on on something
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that the other person might be doing well.
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Or sometimes what we affirm might be, you know, something wrapped in newspaper,
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not shiny paper.
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But we take that chance to focus on an affirmation
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of that other person so they can feel given to
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needs. Ask for something you need today, not necessarily from your spouse.
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Be specific.
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One of the things addicts can do is disconnect from their needs and wants and
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and focus just on wants.
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So tuning into what you need today,
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whether it's from the other person or in your life,
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can be a good practise and for betrayed spouses.
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Sometimes they can also feel really shut down and not given to,
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so it's a good chance for us to share.
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What do we need from each other today?
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For a betrayed spouse, it might be a very literal need of I need to check your phone.
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You came home late last night, or I'm not sure. Can I check your email?
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So so sometimes the needs can be very specific.
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Sometimes they can be more existential.
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We might need to own something,
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own something that you did or said that you
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know that you need to take responsibility for Apologise.
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For, uh,
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this is very much out of a step 10 to from a 12 step fellowship where
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we we continue to take inventory and when
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we're wrong promptly admit it's a resentment,
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doesn't build up and were more likely to be giving and selfless to someone.
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If we can own our resentment and then for for addicts, it's a report on our sobriety.
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What? How are we going?
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What's the closest we've come in thought, word or deed?
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We might have acted out, but are we going okay?
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And it's important to be able to continue to get the trust and safety issues met
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for our partner that we need to be transparent in sharing where our recoveries at.
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One of the biggest complaints I see in
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in the work of a disclosure is partners get so angry and their impact that they have
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to feel that they've got to find the right question to get the answers they need.
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So it's a great practise for addicts in recovery to be able to go.
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Look, here's what I need to say about my recovery today, and sometimes it's a win,
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and sometimes it's a struggle, but the honesty is what rebuilds the trust.
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So, guys, this is all for November.
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This is the mo space if you Q r code that with
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your phone that will take you through to my November page,
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any donations you can give us Great.
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If you know someone else do in November, don't give it to me. Give it to your friends.
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It's always nice when you see a little bit
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of money trickle in to go towards men's health,
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and this is why do November.
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So if you can have a look at that page, I do a video every day in in, um,
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the November period, and I also am giving a daily update on my move. November.
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Obviously, I didn't shave down.
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I'm doing 10,000 steps a day in the not five K run app
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for this month as 22 for my physical health and well being.
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So that's November day to I want to keep these videos short and concise.
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I hope this explanation of the fan knows as a recovery tool
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found in the book Courageous Love by Stephanie Kearns has been useful,
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and with that, I'll say goodnight