Old King Cole.....an Autobiography

The following occurs during the hours of 06:00 and 22:00 on June 7th, 2034.....

Some images may be disturbing. Nelson discretion is advised.

06:00: Old King Cole awakens from his slumber, feeling refreshed from his dreams of unicorns.

06:45: Old King Cole reawakens, after accidentally falling back to sleep.

06:50: Old King Cole prepares a breakfast of the finest Whole Milk and the crunchiest of Captain Crunch. Complete with a bowl, chill to the touch.

07:00: Old King Cole is enraged, having spilled the meal on his My Little Pony undergarments.

07:30: Old King Cole prepares for work, still famished from the missed morning meal. He equips a iron helmet, which gives him bonus damage, and a pair of high heels.

08:00: Old King Cole climbs on the back of his Tauntaun, and speedily leaves his house, desperate to get away from the Morgan Beast, who constantly tries to get a piece of Old King Cole's hair.

08:15: Old King Cole realizes his Tauntaun is out of gas, so he stops to fill him up.

08:16: Old King Cole is in pain, after trying to fill a living animal with gasoline.

08:20: Old King Cole continues on his way to work, ignoring the insults of people in cars behind him for going slow.

08:40: Old King Cole is outside his workplace, when it occurred to him he forgot to shower. He notices a homeless man running at him, so he quickly makes an escape.

09:00: Old King Cole returns to his residence. He quickly takes a shower, careful to avoid the lion guardians protecting his prized Bar of Soap.

09:30: Old King Cole grabs a jar of pickles from the fridge, eats numerous, then sits down to watch Oprah Winfrey Network.

10:00: Old King Cole is supposed to be at work, and,reluctantly, climbs back onto his Tauntaun.

10:05:Old King Cole is enraged. He forgot to lock his Tauntaun up, allowing it to escape

10:20: Old King Cole puts on his jogging shorts, and begins the long trek to his workplace.

10:30:Old King Cole.......LEG CRAAAAAAMMMMPPPPPP

10:31: Old King Cole is on the ground crying softly, trying to massage the cramp out of his chiseled muscle

11:00: Old King Cole arrives at work, still wiping sweat and tears from his cheeks.

11:15: Old King Cole realizes its Saturday, and that he doesn't work today, and falls asleep on the doorstep.

11:25: Old King Cole breaks into a local van and drives it back to his house.

11:50: Old King Cole enters his house. As he enters, he happens to glance at the calendar. He then notices it is NOT Saturday, but Monday, the day he was supposed to get a promotion.

12:20: Old King Cole arrives at work. He sees his manager outside, holding up a pink slip of paper. Old King Cole thinks he is being fired and, enraged, runs the van into the building.

12:30: Old King Cole not only realizes that it was his BOSS'S van, but the piece of paper his boss was holding was actually a gift card to Victoria's Secret, his favorite clothing store.

12:40: Old King Cole realizes after, that the boss had been trying to destroy that van for months for the insurance money, and as he broke through the wall, he had hit a serial killer that was about to shoot an innocent bystander.

12:50: Old King Cole was given the Local Medal of Honor, employee of the month, a promotion, and $50 worth of pink fluffy slippers.

13:00: Old King Cole retires to his work chair in his brand new office, and notices an empty, syrup covered plate on the table. He ignores the scary mariachi band music in the background, and walks toward the plate.

13:30 Old King Cole hides in his new office, desperate to escape from rabblerousers, hooligans, brigands, troublemakers, and haters.

13:45: Old King Cole refreshes himself with a glass of Almond Milk. Old King Cole thought it too.....jelly, for his taste, but nonetheless almondy.

14:00: Old King Cole equips his knightly armor and goes to slay the fanatical evil villain who strucketh him upon the jowl.

14:15: Old King Cole does not have his keys, so he politely knocks upon the door.

14:16: Old King Cole grows impatient, so he grabs the nearest chair and violently sits and waits for the monster.

14:20: Old King Cole sees the door creak open slowly, the smell of sweat and enchiladas seeping through. Old King Cole picks up the chair and violently puts it back where he found it.

14:30: Old King Cole forgets his manners and asks to come in. He then round-house kicks the villain in the back of the heeeaaaddddd. Old King Cole discovers he was trying to ransom his Tauntaun for Magic money, and takes back his Tauntaun.

14:45: Old King Cole attempts to make a hasty escape, but is foiled by the villain's evil Pitoo, which manages to electricute my fully metal armor, and I fall over, hurting like a Lego Brick to the sternum.

15:15: Old King Cole awakens later, strangely on a bed, then realizes the clown hat the villain is wearing. He remembers it is his faithful rival, Sir Hamalot.

15:30: Old King Cole does a 720 spin backflip headstand, lands upon the Tauntaun cage, releases his Tauntaun, and busts through the window.

15:45: Old King Cole remembers it is still a workday, he has a pile of paperwork waiting, and that his Tauntaun just chewed off his left leg.

15:55: Old King Cole is rushed to the hospital, where he performs open heart surgery on an octopus, and returns to work.

16:10: Old King Cole puts his leg in a bucket, because he was pretty sure he saw it on tv on that one show. He believed it also said the put salt on the wound to help it heal, but he didn't know for sure.

16:20:Old King Cole becomes 1/5 the Million Dollar Man, when Austin brings him a bionic leg to use. It takes Old King Cole half an hour to sort through the duct tape and plastic bag covering it. His Tauntaun was still hungry, however, and ate the rest of the duct tape.

16:50: Old King Cole does his paperwork like a respectful businessman.

17:00 Old King Cole leaves work for the day. He climbs on top of the Tauntaun as he hears the building collapse behind him. You didn't think a burning van would be able to burn down a building? Good call, society.

17:30: Old King Cole rides down the highway. He notices that the pump he used for the Tauntaun was still pumping out gas, creating a lake of gasoline in the road.

17:35: Old King Cole stops to examine it, when his missing leg, wanting revenge on the Tauntaun, fires a minigun at me. The sparks flying off my deflector shield ignite the lake.

17:50:Old King Cole is sent flying into Oprah Winfreys house from the force of the blast. As she stares at him, he realized that she had a fork and knife in her hands, with the look of a starved badger on her face.

17:55: Old King Cole quickly pulled out his cross, threw it at Oprah. She spat and grew wings and horns. Old King Cole threw holy water, which he always keeps in his fanny pack, which made her disintegrate into a firey pile of ASH on the floor.

18:20: Old King Cole arrives at his home. He glances out the window to see a flying saucer abducting his Tauntaun. He yells at the aliens, but they are jerks, so they steal his Tauntaun.

18:30: Old King Cole grabs his jar of Anti-Depressant pickles and sits in sadness to watch OWN again.

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Pickles always make Old King Cole want to watch OWN.

13:15: Old King Cole is about to politely lick off the excess syrup, when a bandito strikes him upon the cheek.

Spelled with an H

19:00: Old King Cole steps outside, where M