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Zach Stones

on 4 October 2017

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Transcript of SEX

Hypersexualization & Objectification
Sex is Bad and Only for Making Babies
We exist because all of our ancestors had sex
Sex is an extremely
fundamental part of human existence
Our brains are rightfully managing our sexuality at all times
= Legal
= Illegal
= Legal
Get Knocked
You Up
Issues involving sexuality are difficult to address in treatment in large part because our society lacks a clear definition of healthy sexuality.
For comparison:
Sex and Violence
Generally society agrees that violence is bad and should be used only as a last resort
Debate is largely about when you have arrived at the last resort

As a result we are able to treat issues of violence fairly effectively because we have a good idea of the line between appropriate and inappropriate behavior

We have no such clear line with sexuality, there are vastly diverse opinions on what behavior is acceptable versus what is "perverse"
An interesting result is that we tolerate a lot more violence in media than we do sex
it On
Our Tribal Roots
Women married at 13 (as soon as she could bare children)
Typically married a much older man who could afford to support her and pay a dowry to her father or brother
Women could not work or own property
No birth control
Very high infant mortality
Population necessary to work and defend tribe
What's the Problem?
What is Healthy Sexuality?
How to Have Sex Talks with Families?
Where do we draw the line?
marital sex
Unwanted Pregnancy
Too uncomfortable to pursue birth control but not enough to say no to sex when available.
Nearly 750,000 American teens become pregnant each year - 82% are unintended.

Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs)
Too uncomfortable to prepare protection or get proper medical care until unavoidable.
63% of 15-17 yr olds reported interest in obtaining more information about different methods of contraceptives
59% want more information on where to get tested
Infidelity / Divorce / "Dead bedrooms"
Too uncomfortable to have healthy sex conversations with partners leads to deterioration of sex life and looking elsewhere
Commercial Sexual Exploitation of Children (CSEC)
All prostitution being illegal leaves little difference between activity between fully consenting adults and forcing children to perform sex acts
10,000-300,000 children are victimized by child prostitution in the U.S., annually
Exploitation in Pornography
Porn being universally condemned means no clear line between porn depicting healthy consensual relationships and porn depicting abuse and other highly unhealthy interaction
1. Build an understanding of our societal reluctance to discuss sex
2. Understand the costs associated with this reluctance
3. Develop a plan to overcome it
(Also, have better sex)
"I'm a slave for you" -Brittney Spears
"I'm not a prostitute, but I can give you what you want" -Missy Elliott
"Damn, you'se
a sexy chick" -Akon
Tips for Parents/Caregivers

Choose Your Battles
When Religion is an Issue

According to TIME magazine and CNN, 74% of US teens reported the majority of information regarding sex came from peers and the media, compared to only 10% who identified their parents or a sex-education course
Problems with the Talk
Super awkward 20 minute lecture including everything you ever need to know about human sexuality
What's a rimjob?
What's BDSM?
How do lesbian's have sex?
What are the symptoms of chlamydia?
How do I know if my partner is cuming?
Should I use a condom for oral?
Banned by Old Testament
Premarital Sex
Penalty: Death by stoning
Wearing Gold
Rounded Haircuts
Reflect on your own experience with your parents/caregiver/friends/ teachers/etc.
What are some things you wish they had done differently?
What are some things you related to/responded well to?
Modern rate is 0.62%
Marriages arranged for purpose of prosperity/security not romantic
A Word About Religion
Words for Sex
How do we get to healthy acceptance of all sexual lifestyles if we don't know how to talk about sex in the first place?
Things That Don't Work
Just don't think about sex
Guilt, Shame, Fear
The Conditions for GMC
1. GMC is maintained throughout the activity
3. GMC shall exist between all involved parties
This includes committed partners not present
4. The possibility of pregnancy is managed and agreed upon
5. The transmission of infection is prevented
How do we treat unhealthy sexuality if we don't know what healthy sexuality is?
As a result, treatment of sexual dysfunction is often of the "just turn it off" philosophy and ineffective
2. Disability, youth, chemical impairments and other factors may prevent GMC
Use of alcohol or other drugs to lower inhibition is a more complicated issues than may be comfortable to admit
Use to get a partner to agree to activity they would not have consented to sober
Choosing your own use to feel more able to do something you want to do but you don't feel you can
For example:
Start With You
What is your relationship with sexuality? How could you be more comfortable?
What biases do you have about
Can you have an open and comfortable conversation about sex with your partner/kids/supportive friends?
If you aren't comfortable it will be hard to get anyone else to be comfortable
When talking to parents, start with their relationship with sexuality before getting to what to tell their kids
Just because a family could have a healthier understanding of sex doesn't mean it's a good idea to tell them
What outcome would you be hoping for? What's the likelihood of achieving a positive outcome and what is the risk?
Are there safety issues that require intervention?
Is it appropriate for your role?
Is this the most important thing to intervene in or are there other more urgent issues?
Start With the Parents
Talking to kids openly about sex needs to happen but it's much better if you can coach the parents on how to do it rather than do it yourself or refer to materials
Having a direct talk is more than information, it's also sending a message about the parental relationship. "You don't have to hide this from me."
How Did This Happen?
Age 5-7
At this age children become aware of the existence of sex
Onset of Puberty!
Age 9-11
Age 12-14
Talk about the wonders and dangers of sex and how to know when a situation is right.
Age 14+
Keep up the conversation. Don’t rely on a teenager to ask questions. Seek them out, break the tension with humor.
Is Abstinence-Only Education Enough?
What are some family values you would like your kid to maintain?
Think of how you can deliver that message without blaming/shaming

Only ONE PERCENT of teens reported that they would stop having sex in response to parental notification mandates"
"A survey of teen girls younger than 18 who sought health care services at family planning health centers found that 60% said their parents knew they were there.
Statistically speaking, "abstinence-only" education doubles the likelihood of pregnancy
Of those whose parents did not know they were there:
70% would not use the clinic for prescription birth control if parental notification was required
1 in 5 teens would instead stop using birth control or use the withdrawal method
At this age children have not yet absorbed the societal discomfort with sex and may be much more willing to ask questions and express curiosity
Talk about what it is and the appropriate ways to learn about it.
Educate them on the critical details about contraception methods (there are a lot more than there used to be) and infection prevention.
Finish with a clear plan for pursuing a birth control option
6. Sex shall improve emotional well being, not reduce it
Develop an understanding of family's religious beliefs first
Validate beliefs as much as possible
Research - What the family presents may not be the only way of thinking about the issues among people of their faith
Expand the Team - Consider contacting their place of worship. Consider starting with a youth leader.
If the family's place of worship is truly not accepting of the issue, contact other resources
example: LGBTQ centers may be able to direct you to local places of worship that are open and accepting of everyone
An open conversation about what will be happening to a child’s body as puberty begins, and why that is happening, will help tremendously in managing an undoubtedly awkward and difficult time.
Your tone and presentation set the stage for your kids and greatly impact how they will perceive sex
Where's Your Comfort Level?
The Four Talks
Ask parents who have gone through it
Engage in an activity with your kid, to ease tension (driving, going for a walk, playing catch)
Use observations of media/every day illustrations of sex to open up communication
What has worked for you?
Consider ways to

help your child have not just safe sex, but a good, healthy and fulfilling sex life!
More than Just Safe
Choices About Sex
Where Did I Come From?
Guide teens to resources that give more realistic expectations than internet pornography.
Consider all the things that you wish you would have known sooner.
Messages to
Expected to pursue sex
"sow your wild oats"
Be a stud
Expected to be chaste
"Don't be a slut"
Regularly reduced to sex object and then blamed for it
Awkward Questions!
Acts of prostitution can be consensual or non-consensual
Sexual Abuse
Victims and families are much more reluctant to confront sexual abuse than other kinds of abuse
Sexual stigma makes it more likely for family members to ignore warning signs, shame the victim, and dismiss when victims attempt to share what's going on.
In an environment of misinformation and shaming, abusers have an easy time threatening and silencing their victims.
Also no clear line between a company using ethical business practice vs. some dude with a video camera
Be Aware of
Red Flags
Sexual issues are frequently the core of family problems but the last thing they want to discuss
Youth became suicidal and started cutting at age 10 "out of nowhere"
Also happened to have been raped around that time
Youth suddenly hanging around with charming older boyfriend who gives her lots of nice things
We tend to be conditioned to try to be accepting and not react to statements or signs that don't fit gender and sexual norms
Kids who are hiding their gender and/or sexual status will often use these statements and subtle signs to test whether you are a safe person to talk to.
It's important to demonstrate that you will be accepting and supportive of anything the child shares about themselves
It's also important to take note of any statement that made you "raise an eyebrow" because it didn't fit norms and hypothesize about whether that youth may have been "testing the waters" to make an important disclosure
Consensual Concepts
Consent should be active, not just stopping if someone says no
Consent is not just a sex thing - we can teach consensual boundaries to our kids way before they learn about sex
Consent Doesn't Mean Vanilla-
Power play, bondage, dominance, S & M, and anything you can imagine is all fair game.
Discuss what you want and agree on a safe word that means you stop immediately
This is also the time to start talking about how awkward it can feel to talk about sex and how we can resist that
Avoid if possible - is this really about religion or is religion another excuse to avoid the topic?
Full transcript