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-Focus on the behaviour, not the person.
-Expand their emotional literacy.
-Be the person you want them to be.
-Treat them as though they are already the person you want them to be.
-Avoid the labels.
-Don't buy in to the comparisons.
-Understand the need that is being met.
We feel guilt when we think we've done something wrong
Shame
" I am bad'
Can be destructive leading to lashing out, withdrawing, and self-destructive
‘Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love’
- Brown, Daring Greatly
- is universal and is one of the most primitive emotions we experience.
-is the feeling of extreme embarrassment and humiliation
-is the fear of disconnection – the fear that something we have done or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection
Withdrawal (socially withdraws, isolation, runs away, disengages…)
Attack Self ( mentally, physically and attempt to conform with others)
Avoidance (denial, escapism, jokes, thrill-seeking or storytelling)
Attack Others ( physical, put down, critisim and abusive behavior)
We feel shame when we think there is something wrong with us
We’re only human, and we all only have a limited capacity for patience. We’re going to get it wrong sometimes. A slip up now and then won’t hurt them if the culture is one they are free to experiment, to get it wrong, and explore their behaviour without questioning their worth. We don’t want to crush their spirit, which might sometimes show itself as defiance or a fierce curiosity, because that spirit is building them into the creative, intelligent, amazing adults they will be one day.
Shaming breaks that connection. It disempowers our kids and it disempowers us. The greatest thing we can do for our kids is anything that will flourish their potential and preserve their dignity, their spirit and their strong sense of self.
Guilt
"I feel bad"
Can help us change our behaviour in a positive way if we can accept responsibility
Key results