conflict cycle

BELIEFS AND ATTITUDES

In our disputes my husband and I often use an Avoiding conflict style. Although we do have an intimate-nonaggressive relationship we tend to strive to keep the peace and not rock the boat. We believe that it is better to avert problems rather than resolve them. I believe some of this is due to our role as parents as we do not want to confront each other when our children are present. We also assume that by not quarreling we have a healthy, successful marriage. This naive attitude means that we don't deal with conflict constructively and the communication climate is therefore restricted and at times contrived.

CONFLICT

OUTCOMES

Conflict Cycle

.

We do not have many disputes due to our conflict style. One area where there is some discord is the organization and cleanliness of our house. We have two young children and I am a part time student and a homemaker. I am home with the kids but my priority is taking them on excursions, playing in the backyard, and enjoying this time with them as much as possible. At the moment the rest of my time is spent on schoolwork. We live in a small house, and although the house is far from a pigsty, it is seldom dusted, there are toys everywhere, our dog sheds, the windows are full of little hand prints, etc. My husband is not a neat freak but he comes home from a long day at work and it is sometimes very messy and a challenge to not trip over a clutter of toys.

My husband and I are in the habit of dodging conflict and most of the time the issues are not really that significant in the big picture. The problem is that misunderstandings emerge, resentment festers and disappointment is inevitable. We are in the lose/lose quadrant of Interpersonal Conflict. I worry that when a major conflict does arise we will not be prepared to deal with it. If we don't change our relational conflict style and use an assertive approach becoming competent and collaborative communicators we will just reinforce our beliefs and attitudes regarding conflict. The results will keep us tethered to this conflict cycle.

RESPONSE

I can tell by my husbands nonverbal communication and occasional sarcastic remarks he is frustrated with the state of the house. At times he may kick the toys out of the way and I will give him a nasty look. Nevertheless we seldom discuss how we feel. I either ignore the tension or become defensive because I have also had a long day with the kids and am doing my best to be a great mom. There are no outbursts, but rather silence and changing the topic. At times I will attempt to explain why the house is in disarray or he may comment on the mess but the other doesn't usually respond. In general I think we just want to keep the peace. Our style is symmetrical as we both use the tactic of avoidance.