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Rewriting the Rules: Non/monogamies

Despairing at being abandoned to their own wits and feeling easily disposable, yearning for the security of togetherness and for a helping hand to count on in a moment of trouble, and so desperate to 'relate'; yet wary of the state of 'being related' and particularly of being related 'for good', not to mention forever – since they fear that such a state may bring burdens and cause strains they neither feel able nor are willing to bear, and so may severely limit the freedom they need – yes, your guess is right – to relate... (Bauman, 2003, viii)

Let’s imagine that I am holding an object made of gold. It is so precious and it is mine – I feel I must hold onto it. I grasp it, curling my fingers so as not to drop it, so that nobody can take it away from me. What happens after a while? Not only do my hand and arm get cramp but I cannot use my hand for anything else. When you grip something, you create tension and limit yourself.

Dropping the golden object is not the solution. Non-attachment means learning to relax to uncurl the fingers and gently open the hand. When my hand is wide open and there is no tension, the precious object can rest lightly on my palm. I can still value the object and take care of it; I can put it down and pick it up; I can use my hand for doing something else. (Batchelor, 2001, p. 96)

Other ways of conceptualising relationships (beyond monogamy/nonmonogamy binary)

  • Barker, M. (2012). Rewriting the rules: An integrative guide to love, sex and relationships. London: Routledge.
  • Barker, M. & Langdridge, D. (2010). Whatever happened to non-monogamies? Critical reflections on recent research and theory. Sexualities, 13 (6), 748-772.
  • Barker, M. (2011). Monogamies and non-monogamies: A response to: 'the challenge of monogamy: Bringing it out of the closet and into the treatment room' by Marianne Brandon. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 26 (3), 281-287.
  • Barker, M. & Langdridge, D. (Eds.) (2010). Understanding non-monogamies. New York: Routledge.
  • Barker, M. (forthcoming, 2013). Mindful Counselling & Psychotherapy: Practising Mindfully Across Approaches and Issues. London: Sage.

Relationship uncertainty

  • A time of uncertainty regarding relationships
  • 'People have always loved a love story. But for most of our past our ancesters didn't try to live in one' (Coontz, 2005, p.10)
  • 'Love is becoming a blank that lovers must fill in themselves' (Beck & Beck-Gernsheim, 1995, p.5)
  • Existential tension between freedom and belonging playing out in romantic relationships.

Problems: polynormativity

Problems: mononormativity

Grasp old rules

Grasp new rules

open relationships

swinging

  • Old rules easily come back in
  • Heteronormativity remains
  • Privileging of couple
  • Love/sex split
  • Rigid rules/contracts
  • Grasping new rules – creates craving – due to precarious position
  • Search for poly grail - lack of self/other care
  • Further exclusions
  • Not working very well - cheating, breakup
  • Rooted in gender inequality
  • Treats others as possessions / belonging
  • The idea of 'the one' – part of craving culture (consumerism)

Self-help industry preaches overwhelmingly hetero- and mono-normative 'old rules'

polyamory

The Rules Girls

The Game Boys

‘The purpose of The Rules is to make Mr. Right obsessed with having you as his by making yourself seem unattainable. In plain language, we’re talking about playing hard to get! Follow The Rules, and he will not just marry you, but feel crazy about you, forever!’ (Fein & Schneider, 1995)

  • Kino (verb): to touch or be touched, generally with suggestive intent or the purpose of arousal, such as hair-stroking, hand-holding or hip-grabbing; precedes actual sexual contact.
  • Neg (noun): an ambiguous statement or seemingly accidental insult delivered to a beautiful woman a pickup artist has just met, with the intent of actively demonstrating to her (or to her friends) a lack of interest in her.
  • Peacock (verb): to dress in loud clothing or with flashy accoutrements in order to get attention from women.
  • Sarge (verb): to pick up women, or to go out to try and meet women.
  • Target (noun): the woman in the group who the pickup artist desires and is running game on

Non-monogamies

  • Challenging heteronormative power dynamics
  • Autonomy & communication
  • Creativity of language
  • Opening up new affective possibilities
  • Explicit political motivations

Embracing uncertainty

Multiplicities of non/monogamies

Multiple continua

Emotional closeness

Polyamory

Monoamory

One close intimate relationship. No close relationships outside this.

Multiple close relationships.

Sex

Polysex

Monosex

No sexual/physical contact outside the relationship.

Multiple sexual encounters.

Multiplicities of non/monogamies

  • Klesse (2008): multiple ways of understanding and doing non-monogamy
  • Creative research reveals diversities of experience

References

Beyond monogamy / nonmonogamy

  • Multiple loves rather than multiple lovers
  • Not 'anything goes: Ethics of relationships. 'While the nomad knows, deeply and profoundly, that she can go anywhere...she does not have to go everywhere' (Heckert, 2010, p.260)
  • Freedom from contract
  • Becoming
  • Relationship anarchy/polytical movement
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