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"One day at a time"
In old age, I look forward to not having to work anymore and to not have to worry about where my future is headed. There won't be all the pressure that I will feel throughout my life. I do have some fears about that time though. One of my biggest fears is that I will have deep regrets that I can't go back and change before I die. I also fear that I will become a burden on my family through health problems. I wouldn't want my family to feel all that pain from seeing me in a poor state. I hope to have accomplished a wonderful loving family, like I had when I was growing up. I want to be remembered a loving person who cared more about others than herself.
By the time I moved to Granby my mom was too busy with work to take me and my sister to church anymore, and my dad had never gone, so we just stopped going altogether. My mom would tell my grandma on the phone that we still went to church and that I was surely going to get my communion soon. So when I went on a trip to Pittsburgh to visit the family my mom said that I had finished CCD and as a surprise my grandma talked to the church where she usually went and arranged for me to get communion that week while I was visiting. So we arranged the whole thing, got a dress, and sparkly shoes that I loved, and had a communion for a little girl who never completed CCD. This taught me that I didn’t need to take religion seriously because my parents didn’t. From then on whenever there was a rare time when my mom tried to bring me to church I would refuse and say it wasn’t a big deal. It also taught me about lying to make people happy. I hate to admit it, but this is something I do very often. I would say religion when I was in elementary school had a negative impact on me. Instead of teaching me good lessons like religion is supposed to, my family taught me some bad lessons that stuck with me.
Elementary school was where I met my best friend, Chelsea (who still holds that title), and two boys who bullied me for years, Paul and Gage (who became good friends). Chelsea moved to Granby about a month before I did and we rode the bus together and quickly became best friends. She was confident and fun while I was quite shy at first. She definitely changed me as a person. She forced me to leave my comfort zone all the time, going on adventures, playing pranks that often got us in trouble, and playing truth or dare where the goal was mostly to embarrass me. She made me a more confident person and a more daring person in some aspects, but at that same time there were people pushing me to be the opposite of that new, better, person. When I moved to Granby in the summer there weren’t kids playing outside all the time like we had when I lived in South Carolina right before then. I was a little skinny girl when I first arrived to the new town and eventually after a summer inside by myself I started to gain weight, the main source of the teasing from Paul and Gage. They rode my bus too, unfortunately, and Paul lives across the street and Gage lives up the road, but he was always around, playing with Paul. They would sing songs about me, calling me a whale, and any other mean names they could come up with. Gage even called me his “arch nemesis.” Nobody had ever been so cruel to me. I would go home a cry all the time. I learned from this experience, a lesson about not trusting people and knowing how cruel people can be. I am still self conscious about the things they teased me about. This was a negative effect on my personality to say the least. I wish that I could have kept all the confidence that my best friend had taught me and not let the words of those boys get to me like they did.
I absolutely was obsessed with Polly Pockets and was constantly buying new sets of clothes and houses for them. Commercials on nickelodeon would advertise them and I would run to my mom and ask to buy them right away. Media encouraged a spending spree on my part, and my mother wasn’t someone who held back the cash. I got kind of spoiled with the little toys. I would watch my nickelodeon shows and play with my polly pockets all the time, I played a lot inside and by myself. Media gave me something to do indoors so I had an excuse not to be outside where I had nobody to play with. Having this outlet from the world was a negative thing in the end, it made not getting exercise seem normal. Exercise was something I needed at that age and I still find comfort in just sitting and watching TV after school.
I had no friends in my class at school when I moved to Granby. I have one very distinct memory of recess inside one day because of the rain. I had brought a deck of cards to school in hopes that someone would want to play with me, but everyone already had someone to play with. Anyone I asked to play wasn’t really interested. So I sat at a table and played solitaire and held back my tears. There were a lot of days like that in school at that age. I felt really lonely most of the time. I feel like this changed my behavior, it made me seek out my friends right away and fear losing them. I hated the feeling of being lonely. I hated thinking that people didn’t like me. I still have a fear of being alone and that people are avoiding hanging out with me.
I wouldn't want my middle adulthood to change from my settling down stage. Hopefully everything goes well so that I can continue to be happy and content where I am. One of my biggest fears is having to start over after I already think I have everything figured out.
When I settle down, I'd love to live in a nice suburb with a husband and have two to three kids. I also want two dogs. I wouldn't start my family without a stable career and marriage. This is the part of my life I most look forward to. I would love to have a happy family of my own. The advantages of this would be having my own family, being happy with my life, and having everything figured out. I don't see any disadvantages of this time period except for possible problems with my children because I would want them to always be happy and healthy. It would break my heart to see them sad of unhealthy.
One trait of my personality that cannot be explained through socialization is my OCD. I type things with my fingers that I hear people say, but without a keyboard, I just move my fingers to where the keys would be. I do this especially when I am stressed to help me calm down. Also, if someone is tapping or chewing gum really loud or shaking the feet or anything it takes over all my thoughts and I have to find a way to stop it or I have to leave the room. Nothing that has ever happened to me made me this way, I wish I could figure it out but it seems to just be the way I am.
When I graduate from college I would like to find a job as quickly as possible so I can start my life. I want to find a job that I can continue to move up in and be able stay with that business until I retire. Most of all I'd like to feel happy and secure. The advantages to this would be a sense of safety and less fear for the future. But the disadvantages would be a lot of new things that take time to get used to. Like a scary new job and learning how to pay bills and live on my own.
As soon as I get out of high school I will go to college and get my doctorate in physical therapy within seven years. I am expected to play the role of a student for all of those years, like I have throughout my life. But this time I will live on my own. The advantages of this would be more independence and freedom, I won't be under the watchful eye of my parents all the time. The disadavantages would be the big increase in responsibility and pressure to succeed. If I don't succeed in college, I won't succeed at all in my eyes.
In middle school my favorite class was chorus. I had always loved singing and now I had a chance to show all my friends my talent. The teacher would always give me solos at the concerts and all my friends would compliment me, it gave me such a boost of confidence. Chorus had such a good impact on my personality, I stopped being so afraid of people judging me and now I feel like I can go in front of a crowd easily without being embarrassed. At the same time, it was the first time grades were starting to mean something. I had always had good grades and school was easy for me, but in middle school teachers stopped chasing you down for missing homework. Missing homework was a big thing for me, but I still got good grades and didn't have to do all my work or put in too much effort. This is one of my biggest regrets, letting myself get into that horrible habit because it has followed me to high school. I made a horrible impact on my behavior in middle school by starting that trend in the first place.
As a youngster my dad had me watch Disney movies all the time. Literally ALL the time. He’s a Disney fanatic. Disney movies taught me things like the value of friendship, and imagination that all children should learn. I feel like I had a wonderful childhood full of all the things childhood should be filled with and I think that these movies had a good impression on that. I still look back on these movies with fond memories. I think they had a very positive impact on my personality because they taught me things so that I didn’t have to learn them the hard way, the lessons I learned probably saved me from a lot of hardship.
Middle school could be summed up in one word. Drama. First of all, my first boyfriend was also two of my bestfriends' crush. They were so upset when he asked me out and our friendship was strained for a really long time. I felt terrible but I also liked him a lot too. Of course it was an awkward first relationship and didn't last long, and the fighting with friends over boys was silly too. The whole situation was a negative time but it had a positive impact on me because it really helped me realize how unimportant things like that are in the long run. In high school it has really helped me let go of any drama and stay out of silly fights that aren't worth my time. My peers also helped me lose weight, I know that sounds weird but they really did. I got over grudges I had against my elementary school bullies and we became good friends. We hung out all summer long and played outside every day, and before I knew it I lost quite a bit of weight and was a happier person. I realize now that there is always a benefit in forgiving and forgetting and moving on. Kind of like karma. Of course this was a positive impact on my behavior as well as my personality with a gained confidence that seemed to just keep growing throughout my middle school years and on learning to get over old grudges which I still try very hard to do.
My first sense of anything school related was Castle Shannon daycare. This is where I met my best friend, Tevin, and the three women who became like a second family to me growing up. These women worked at the daycare and they weren’t just there to do a job, they were there because they loved their work and they loved all the kids there. I’ve gone back to visit recently and they whispered to me that Tevin and myself were some of their favorite kids. I can remember a picture of me and Tevin sitting on a colorful slide outside the daycare, Tevin is sliding down the top of the slide, his feet pushing my back while I slide down the bottom half of the slide with a ducky ice pack held to my knee. It is one of the most memorable photos I can remember, because the looks on our faces are of pure joy. It reminds me of all the days I spent on those play sets, getting boo-boos and holding animal shaped ice packs while I continued to play with my best friend in the whole world. All these memories make me realize that this daycare was my first experience of love outside of my family, it taught me that there are people out there that can love you for who you are and just because they aren’t related to you, it doesn’t mean they aren’t family. This place has made me a more accepting person, a definite positive impact on my personality.
I remember going to church when I was younger. It wasn’t an obligation like it seems now that I’m older, back then it was a time where I got to go see my Grandma, who I favored from a young age, and the rest of my family. My grandma always made church seem like such an important time, because she loved it so very much. It was what kept her going through all of her health problems throughout her life, whenever the doctors told her she had a year to live, she would pray and pray and she lived 26 years doing that, and each year they told her she would have only one more year to live. I would see how emotional my grandma got when she was praying to god and it made me think church was somewhere to go when you are sad. Now that my grandma has past away, I haven’t gone back to church since her funeral. I think going to church with her when I was younger will always make me relate that place with her, as well as all the sadness in her life. I guess that would be a negative impact on me, because maybe church would be good for me but it is not somewhere I look forward to going.
In preschool I lived in my hometown of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania with my parents and my sister Shannon. Although they were the only people living with me in our small blue home on a busy road in the little section of the city called Upper Saint Claire, I always, and I mean always had a ton of people around. My mother’s side of the family were the kind of people who keep their loved ones around them as much as possible. These were the kind of people I loved, and still love to this day. They gave me my first helping of love and attention. I credit this to making me into such a family person. I was the baby of the family until I was ten, and in all that time I was constantly the center of attention at family parties. I soaked up the sunlight when everyone at the dining room tables circled around to hear me sing. From then on I loved the spotlight, and I loved performing.
In middle school I started watching whatever my sister, who is four years older than me, watched at the time. Which of course was MTV. I had never really worn any sort of style before middle school, I wore big T-shirts and sweat pants everyday. Middle school was the start of my interest in actually looking presentable. It wasn’t that I was trying to be popular or anything but I had started to feel left out while all my friends went shopping and talked about clothes and boys. It brought back my fears of being alone and I decided to make a change. This change ended up making me a lot happier. I started straightening my hair everyday and I wore jeans and real shirts to school. People really noticed the difference and I got complimented all the time. It brought on a new confidence that I didn’t know I could have. MTV was a way for me to see what styles were in and all they talked about were clothes and music so it made it all seem all that much more important. Media had such a good impact on me at this age, it really changed me for the better and gave me new confidence.
High school brought on some really awkward years when I was a freshman and into sophomore year. I was at my heaviest weight freshman year and trying to figure out where I fit in. For the first time I think my weight was a positive impact on my personality because I learned that people were going to judge me no matter what I did and that I just had to let myself be myself. I couldn't continue to hold myself back because I was self conscious. Now, in my later years of high school I have moved past most of the awkwardness and my biggest problems come from losing friends. I've recently lost a lot of friends, not because of fights, but just because we grew apart. I started feeling left out with my own friends because their interests were going in one direction and my weren't changing. They started getting really into smoking pot and experimenting with other drugs and I just didn't see the point in it. I still tried to hang out with them for a long time but eventually it wasn't fun for me at all and I felt like they didn't even want me there. Again I had to figure out where I fit in and luckily for me I found new friends who really treated me like a friend, they made me realize how crappy those old friends were, and what I had been missing out on. High school in general has been a great impact on my behavior and personality because I've learned to accept and tolerate a lot more and I'm really happy with the person I am and where I'm going.
Cheerleading became a huge part of my life as soon as I started in first grade. I learned so much from coach Kelly. She was crazy and I'm pretty sure she was drunk a lot, but she taught me teamwork, and how take and give constructive critisim. I've carried that trait on in my behavior and I believe the things she taught gave the tools to becoming captain of the high school team. I learned to love winning but be a good sportsman whenever I lost. My team even won the junior olympics! But in middle school, I grew embarrassed of my weight and showing my stomach in my uniform. It really made me nervous and I knew the other girls on the team noticed and made fun of me. I became quieter so that maybe people on the team wouldn't notice me. This has definitely been a negative impact on my behavior because now whenever I do not feel really confident about something I am doing I try to hide it or avoid doing it. I hate to be seen for doing something badly or for looking bad.
High school cheerleading was a lot different that all star cheerleading had been for me. It meant taking on a lot more responsibility. Even as a freshman my coach had looked at me to help lead because I had a lot of experience. That meant I needed to manage my time a lot better and learn now to lead people older than me, who didn't want to be led at all. My behavior improved a lot because I learned how to act like I wasn't leading, like I was friends with everyone, while still leading and doing my job. I learned how important that was in a lot of situation. Sometimes you need to take charge but you don't need to lose friends in the process. At the same time, that doesn't work with everybody. I accepted that sometimes people wouldn't like me because I had to lead and they didn't agree with some of the thing I did in that position. Originally that brought on a lot of stress but I just had to let it go and not let it take over me.
Religion has been something that I have avoided thinking about in high school. I keep trying to figure out what I believe but I still haven't come up with anything yet, which scares me, not knowing where I will go when I die has become a big fear from that. I wish I could go to my family for help with that but my parents would only get upset because that is one of my mom's biggest fears. She always wants us to have god in our lives. At the same time I feel a big pressure to get confirmed. My grandma passed away and I knew she would have wanted me to get confirmed, it would have hurt her so much to know that I still haven't been. It really hurts my conscious to know that I would be hurting her. But I think it has negatively impacted my behavior because I feel like I have to lie to make my family happy when it comes to religion.
For some reason, whenever I get sad or angry or even too happy or excited I just cry and cry and cry. I just can't stop crying. I literally cry all the time and I can't explain why! My family always taught me to suck it up, so if anything, I should be avoiding crying but I don't! I wish I could stop but it is just part of who I am.
Pressure. That is what I felt from school work in high school. I had to get good enough grades to get into colleges while still balancing all the things I wanted to do. I had to make huge decisions that will effect me for the rest of my life, like what career I want to go into and where I'm going to go to college. It means leaving everyone and everything I know. I really wasn't effected positively by all this pressure. It has made me a very stressed person and when I'm stressed I shut down.