Eeg

CP DAILY NEWS

$2.50

Saturday, December 10, 2016

Vol XCIII, No. 217

Trump Reveals His Secret

How did he really get elected?

EEG CHANGES THE MARKET FOREVER

Now that Trump has secured the presidency, he is finally revealing how he really got there. The answer? Eeg™. But not just any Eeg™, he had his own personalized presidential Eeg™.

Eeg: The Future

John Nownes: Greatest Athlete of All Time

How is he so godly?

A new product called Eeg™, short for Eeg Superegg Solution™, just hit the market, changing the game forever. Nothing will ever be the same in this world. Unregulated, objectively experimental, the places this product can reach are limitless. The creator, Ben Bayer, remarks than even he does not know the full potential Eeg™ possesses. Enhanced dexterity, super speed, computational powers beyond anything you've ever dreamed, you can have it all. You cannot, and will not, be prepared for what it will do to you.

Creighton Prep's very own John Nownes, greatest athlete ever to be born on this earth, has said in a recent interview that it was only possible because of Eeg™. "It changed my life forever," he said while on his daily marathon. "I never could have been here if it wasn't for Eeg™, it made my every dream come true."

Buy Eeg™ Now!

What Does The Creator Have To Say?

CUSTOMERS RAVE!

Despite the news, little said so far

Hear their real stories

Ben Bayer, creator of Eeg Superegg Solution™, has remained predominately silent these past few days despite now being possibly the most successful, influential, and powerful man in the world. Here at CP Daily News we are still trying to get an interview, but until later notice we do not have confirmation. Some say he's undoubtedly retreated to a remote cave in rural Tibet, yet others say with certainty he is hiding out at a college preparatory school. So for now, keep your eyes open, and God bless America.

"Eeg™ is everything to me"

-Jude Peal

"Eeg™ won me the lottery!"

-Tom Ernatt

"Without Eeg™, I would've had no chance of getting through finals"

-every single Creighton Prep student

Story by Liam Keating, voice of Operation Others