STEP Systematic Training for Effective Parenting

Systematic Training for Effective Parenting (STEP)

Four Goals of

children's misbehavior

Power

Attention

Children believe their goal is to be the boss.

Children desire and need attention. But one who needs it the time will resort to special treatment.

"I belong only by being the boss- even if I have to fight. If my parents fight with me, I have power.

Topics of STEP

"I belong only by being noticed, even if that makes problems for my parents."

Revenge

Positive Discipline

Display of Inadequacy

Children feel as though they have been hurt, and they feel the only way they can belong is to get even.

- Understanding yourself and your child

- Encouraging your child and yourself

- Developing the courage to be imperfect

- Listening and talking to your child

- Helping children learn to cooperate

- Positive discipline that makes sense

- Choosing your approach

Child will give up by displaying helplessness and just give up. Displayed in activities such as homework.

"I'm not lovable. I belong only by hurting my parents. I want them to feel as I do."

"I belong by convincing my parents that I can't do things. In fact I try and fail, I don't belong."

• Promotes discipline that focuses on solution
• Challenges the idea that children need to feel bad to do better
• Emphasizes kind & firm discipline without being permissive
• Emphasizes why adults are responsible for many behavior problems

Hypothesis of the theory

(Children Need to Belong)

- Children need to belong to feel they are accepted.

-This is accomplished by positive behavior or misbehavior.

- Understanding how children seek to belong is important

- Doing so will help you be a more effective parent

Founders & Developers

"One must remember that every child occupies an inferior position in life. Every child becomes conscious of his inability to cope with the challenges of existence. This feeling of inferiority is the driving force, the starting point from which every childish striving originates."

- Alfred Adler (1927)

Case Study

Display of Inadequacy

- Alfred Adler

(created the basis 1927)

- Rudolf Dreikurs

(developed Adler's concepts)

(enhanced by)

- Don Dinkmeyer

- James Dinkmeyer

- Gary D. McKay

- Joyce L. McKay

Shawn's fourth grade class is playing basketball in gym. Shawn tells his mom "Nobody wants me on their team. I can't shoot." Mom tried to help him practice. Even has his older brother help him too. If Shawn misses the shot he says "I'll never be any good." His mother has no idea what to do. She says "Maybe basketball isn't your game, you don't have to play if you don't want to."

Effective STEP Parenting

To identify the mistaken goal parents ask themselves 3 questions.

• Explore alternatives
• Use reflective listening
• Use an I-Message
• Give choices

What Else Could Mom Do?

Parenting Skills

References

1. When your child misbehaves, how do YOU feel?

2. What do you as the parent most often do in response to their misbehavior?

3. What does your child do in response?

• She could refuse to give up. "I know you can learn to shoot. So just keep working!"
• She could be careful not to pity him. If he thinks his mom feels sorry for him, he'll feel sorry for himself too.
• She could encourage him as he plays.
• She could encourage him in other ways, such as other sports.

• Beliefs & Feelings: be aware of your feelings and beliefs and make changes in influencing your child's positive behavior
• Encouragement: understand the difference between praise & encouragement. Encouragement is acknowledgment; for participation & effort
• Listening & Talking: listen to build relationships & talking with your children with respect by using I-messages.
• Owning the problem: let your children handle their own problems.

- Don Dinkmeyer, Sr., Gary D. McKay, James S. Dinkmeyer, Don Dinkmeyer, Jr., Joyce L. McKay: Parenting young children. Systematic Training for Effective Parenting of children under six. (1997)

- Don Dinkmeyer, Sr., Gary D. McKay, Don Dinkmeyer, Jr., The parent's handbook. Systematic Training for Effective Parenting. (1997)

- Don Dinkmeyer, Sr., Gary D. McKay, Don Dinkmeyer, Jr., Joyce L. McKay: Parenting teenagers. Systematic Training for Effective Parenting of teens. (1997)

- Adler, A. (1932). The Collected Clinical Works of Alfred Adler: Journal articles: 1931-1937. Transl. by G.L.Liebenau. T.Stein (2005).

Image by Tom Mooring