Chapter 6: Interdependency

Interdependence theory

Suggests that we evaluate the outcomes we receive with two criteria:

• What we expect from our relationships, and how well we think we can do with other partners.

Each of us has a personal comparison level (CL) that describes what we expect and feel we deserve in our dealings with others.

• When our outcomes exceed our CLs, we’re happy and content.
• When our outcomes fall below our CLs, we’re disgruntled and distressed.
• CL is the standard with which your satisfaction with a relationship is assessed.
• Outcomes – CL = Satisfaction or Dissatisfaction

Even if a relationship is profitable and rewarding, you may not be satisfied if the profit isn’t big enough to meet your expectations.

Evaluating Alternatives

Whether or not we’re happy, we also evaluate our partnerships with a comparison level for alternatives (CLalt) that describes the outcomes we think we can get elsewhere.

• CLalts are the lowest level of outcomes we will accept from our current partners.
• Why?
• If we think we can do better in another relationship, all things considered, we’re likely to leave our present partners and pursue those bigger payoffs—even when we’re currently happy with what we’ve got.
• On the other hand, even if we’re currently miserable, we won’t leave unless a better alternative presents itself.

Evaluating Alternatives cont.

A CLalt is a complex, multifaceted judgment involving both the costs of leaving and the rewards offered by others.

• Our investments in a relationship - the things we would lose if it ends - make it harder to leave and reduce our Clalts.
• So, keeping in mind that Clalt includes both the costs and rewards of departing a relationship: Outcome - Clalt = Dependence or Independence

Four Types of Relationships

When outcomes exceed both CL and CLalt, it’s a happy and stable relationship.

Good Outcomes

------ Current Outcomes

_____ CL

_____ CLalt

Poor Outcomes

Four Types of Relationships

When outcomes exceed CLalt but fall below CL, it’s an unhappy but stable relationship.

Good Outcomes

_____ CL

------ Current Outcomes

_____ CLalt

Poor Outcomes

Four Types of Relationships

When outcomes exceed CL but fall below CLalt, it’s a happy but unstable relationship.

Good Outcomes

_____ CLalt

------ Current Outcomes

_____ CL

Poor Outcomes

Four Types of Relationships

When outcomes fall below both CL and CLalt, it’s an unhappy and unstable relationship.

Good Outcomes

_____ CLalt

_____ CL

------ Current Outcomes

Poor Outcomes

Evaluating Alternatives over time

In real relationships, of course, a huge variety of configurations are possible as CLs, CLalts, and outcomes all range from excellent to poor.

CL and CLalt as Time Goes By

• Our CLs are based on our past experiences, and they fluctuate along with the outcomes we receive.
• Excellent outcomes delight us at first, but if we come to take them for granted, our CLs will rise, and those outcomes will gradually become less satisfying - not because the fine outcomes have changed, but because our expectations have gone up.

Social & cultural Influences

Cultural changes have also increased our CLalts:

• Women work
• People are mobile
• There are lots of new partners available online
• Legal and social barriers to divorce have eroded

The costs of departing a marriage have decreased, and people have more options and partners available to them.

Rewards vs. costs

Rewards need to outnumber costs by at least 5 to 1 if we’re to stay satisfied with a close relationship.

Rewards vs. costs

Chart of an actual argument in a couple with a low risk of divorce.

• Warmth and humor greatly outweigh sarcasm and contempt.

Rewards vs. costs

A couple in peril

• Disdain and disregard were much more frequent

Rewards vs. costs

Rewards and Costs Are Different

• We try to do two different things in our close relationships:
• Gain positive outcomes – approach motivation
• Avoid negative outcomes – avoidance motivation

Pleasure results from fulfilling our approach goals and pain results from failing to fulfill our avoidance goals.

• Since these are different processes, pleasure and pain can coexist within a relationship, or both may be absent.

Rewards vs. costs

Rewards vs. costs

Rewards vs. costs

Rewards vs. costs

Rewards vs. costs

self-expansion model

In order to stay happy, we need to do more than avoid unpleasantries.

We need to combat boredom, fulfilling our approach goals with interesting and exciting activities.

Self-Expansion Model

• We like partnerships that expand the range of our interests, skills, and experiences.
• Continually seeking out novel activities and finding new ways to laugh and have fun will minimize boredom.

Rewards and Costs over Time

Most developing relationships, even those that will succeed and prosper, hit a lull in which the partners’ pleasure stalls for a time.

• There’s a lot to adjust to as interdependency increases.

Rewards and Costs over Time

After a rapid rise in satisfaction at the very beginning of a relationship, many couples encounter a lull as they adjust to increasing interdependence.

Rewards and Costs over Time

According to the Relational Turbulence Model, doubt and uncertainty can also accompany emerging commitment.

Rewards and Costs over Time

Predictable changes in satisfaction over long stretches of time.

• On average, marital satisfaction declines as the years go by.

Relationship satisfaction over time

Predictable changes in satisfaction over long stretches of time.

• On average, marital satisfaction declines as the years go by.

Relationship satisfaction over time

Decline in satisfaction over time doesn’t happen to everyone.

• About one in every four couples don’t experience any decline.
• However, most do due to...

Relationship satisfaction over time

Most of us encounter unanticipated costs, even in good relationships:

Lack of Effort

• May stop working as hard as once did to be charming, kind, attentive, etc.

Increased Interdependency

• Conflict and annoyances become more intense due to close and frequent contact that comes with increased intimacy.

Access to Weaponry

• Intimate partners know our intricacies and secrets; gives partners greater power to hurt us, even unintentionally.

Relationship satisfaction over time Cont.

Unwelcome Surprises

• Some surprises are inevitable.

Unrealistic Expectations

• Don’t assume that having kids will bring you closer together.

This may seem gloomy, but it isn’t meant to be. Knowledge is power, and with informed caution, you should be optimistic that your relationships will succeed!

Exchange vs. Communal Relationships

In exchange relationships, people expect immediate repayment for benefits given.

• Partners are more content when favors are repaid immediately, and they keep track of each other’s contributions to the relationship.

In contrast, those in communal relationships do favors without expecting explicit repayment.

• The partners are more content when favors are not quickly repaid, and they do not keep track of each other’s contributions to the relationship.

Exchange vs. Communal Relationships

Exchange vs. Communal Relationships

When people are high in communal strength, or motivated to be responsive to a partner, they enjoy making small sacrifices to benefit thier partner.

• People seem generous, not greedy, in communal relationships.

Process of social exchange still pertains to communal relationships:

• Tit-for-tat exchanges still take place in communal relationships, but they involve diverse types of rewards that are provided over a long span of time.
• People don’t “sweat the small stuff” in happy, highly rewarding relationships, but they may begin to if dissatisfaction looms.

Equality in relationships

When equity exists, a relationship is fair - each partner gains benefits from the relationship that are proportional to his or her contributions to it.

Your outcomes Your partner’s outcomes

------------------ = ----------------------------

Your contributions Your partner’s contributions

Equality in relationships

When a partnership is inequitable:

• One partner is receiving too much, and is said to be overbenefited.
• While the other partner is receiving too little, and is said to be underbenefited.

It’s distressing to be underbenefited. In response people may:

• Try to restore actual equity, changing their (or their partner’s) contributions or outcomes.
• Try to restore psychological equity, convincing themselves that they are getting what they deserve.
• Abandon the relationship, seeking fairness elsewhere as a last resort.

Equality in relationships

However...

• Equity may not matter much if a relationship is highly rewarding and both partners are prospering.

Household Tasks

• Still, most people do care about fair allocations of child care and household tasks. It’s best to divide them equally.
• Your parents may not have done things this way, but couples are usually happier these days when household tasks and child care are shared by the partners.

investment model

The investment model of commitment holds that:

• Satisfaction increases commitment
• Alternatives of high quality decrease commitment
• Investments in a relationship increase commitment

investment model

Thus, the investment model suggests that people remain with their partners when:

• They’re happy
• There’s no place else to go
• It would cost too much to leave

Types of commitment

There may be three different types of commitment:

• Personal: occurs when people want to continue a relationship because it is satisfying.
• Constraint: occurs when people feel they have to continue a relationship because it would cost too much to leave.
• Moral: occurs when people feel they ought to continue a relationship because it would be wrong to break their vows.

These three types of commitment feel different, and there may be value in distinguishing them from one another.

Consequences of Commitment

A sense of commitment leads partners to take action to protect and maintain their relationship:

• Accommodation: temporarily tolerating provocation from one’s partner without fighting back.
• Willingness to sacrifice: putting the well-being of the relationship ahead of one’s own self-interest.
• Perceived superiority: considering one’s relationship to be better than those of other people.

Gregg & Gail

• One of the things Gregg liked about Gail was that she was a great cook. When she would have him over to dinner, she would serve elaborate, delicious meals that were much more appealing than the fast food he often ate on his own.
• He liked to keep things tidy and neat, and he noticed that her apartment was always disheveled and cluttered, but he didn’t much care because she was an exciting, desirable companion. However, once they were married, Gail cooked less often; they both worked, and she frequently called him before he came home to ask him to pick up take-out meals for dinner.
• He also became annoyed by her slovenly housekeeping. He did his fair share of housework, but a pile of unfolded laundry constantly occupied their living room couch, and they had to push it aside to sit together to watch television. She seemed not to notice just how scattered and disorganized her belongings were, and Gregg began to feel resentful.

What do you think the future holds for Gregg and Gail? Why?