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Reflective Communication
17
HOW
WHY
WHEn
Reflective
Communication
How to get over "You mean what I think you mean"
Abdi Haro MA.Ed
King Fahd Security College
Objectives
practice reflective listening techniques: reflection, clarification and empathy
practice reflective listening techniques: reflection, clarification a...
Use self reflection to avoid common listening blocks
Communicate in whole messages to reduce defensiveness, build trust and encourage self-reflection
Communicate in whole messages to reduce defensiveness, build trust and encoura...
Apply reflective skills when receiving unexpected messages
Identify how to best present you message to specific people
Communication is an act of shared responsibility focused on the discovery of shared meaning
CommunicAtion
three variables
Communication comes from three variables and each one defines the meaning of the others.
CONTEXT
Place, culture, event
SELF
OTHER
My self-image who I think I am
The person as presented through my filters
Example
Example
___________
Place, culture, event
________
___________
My self-image who I think I am
The person as presented through my filters
You try
You try
___________
Place, culture, event
________
___________
My self-image who I think I am
The person as presented through my filters
Self
Self
- The greatest obstacle to communication is
- The self-image is concerned with stability above all else
- We assume the other will always be the person we perceive them to be, refusing them the right to change and grow
- We assume that the contect will remain stable or "normal"
- We are prisoners of perception
___________
Place, culture, event
________
___________
My self-image who I think I am
The person as presented through my filters
What Do you see?
What Do you see?
What Do you see?
All Perception is chosen
All Perception is chosen
That gives you enormous power to change a conversation...
If you're open to changing self
CONTEXT
SELF
OTHER
Listening
Listening is important
But why?
Reflective Listening:
- Opens both Self and Other to change
- Validates the other person's right to be themselves, to change and grow
- Helps you avoid missing information that could be critical to your work, your decisions, your understanding of a situtation
- Is one of the greatest gifts you can give another person
Listening questions
- Someone gives you a million dollars. Describe five things you would do with the money.
- Describe an achievement in your life that you're particularly proud of.
- List three things you would like to improve about yourself.
*Answer each questions and share
Listenging skills
Listenging skills
REFLECTING:
- Restating the message in your own words, accepting their perspective
- Allows both parties to check fo understanding
CLARIFYING:
- Asking questions to make sure you understood
- Open questions to encourage reflection
- Closed questions for specifics
EMPATHIZING:
- Listening to tone and body language for underlying feelings
- Reflecting those feelings back to the speaker
Listening blocks
Listening blocks
1. Comparing – Comparing makes it hard to listen because you are too busy trying to compare one person with another.
2. Mind Reading – Instead of paying attention to what is said, you try to figure out what the other person is really thinking and feeling in an effort to see through to the truth.
3. Rehearsing – You do not have time to listen or pay attention to listening when you are rehearsing what to say. Your whole attention is on the preparation and crafting of your next comment.
4. Filtering – When you filter, you listen to some things and not to others. You hear what you want to hear, and avoid what you don’t want to hear and let your mind wander.
5. Judging (prejudging) – If you prejudge someone or label someone negatively, you do not pay much attention to what he says.
6. Dreaming – You are half-listening, and something the person says suddenly triggers a chain of private associations. You are more prone to dreaming when you feel bored or anxious.
7. Identifying – You take everything a person tells you and refer it back to your own experience. Everything you hear reminds you of something that you have felt, done, or suffered. You launch into your story before they can finish theirs.
Listening blocks
8. Advising – You are the great problem-solver, ready with help and suggestions. You do not have to hear more than a few sentences before you begin searching for the right advice.
9. Sparring – Your focus is on finding things to disagree with. The way to avoid sparring is to repeat back and acknowledge what you have heard. Look for one thing you might agree with.
One subtype of sparring is the put-down. You use sarcastic remarks to dismiss
the other person’s point of view. A second type of sparring is discounting.
Discounting is for people who cannot stand compliments.
10. Being Right – You will go to any lengths to avoid being wrong. You cannot listen to criticism, you cannot be corrected, and you cannot take suggestions to change.
11. Derailing – You change the subject suddenly. You derail the train of conversation when you get bored or uncomfortable with a topic.
12. Placating – You want to be nice, pleasant, and supportive. You want people to like you – so you agree with everything. You half-listen, but you are not really involved.
To Un-Block
1. Confess!
2. Reflect, clarify, empathize
3. Share the block
You are listening when...
- You're not talking
- You're not taking notes
- You are trying to understand the other person's point of view WITHOUT trying to change or influence it
- You are listening to understand and NOT with the intent to reply
- You're listening for feelings, not just facts and ideas
- You are responding with acceptance and empathy, not with indifference, cold objectivity or fake concern
What to do...
- Drop defenses
- Lean forward
- Unfold your arms
- Make eye contact
- Listen carefully to words and feelings
- Ask clarifying questions
- Thank the person
- Self-reflect and respond non-defensively
WHY Can't you just say what you mean?
Expression
- WELL...
- The ambiguity of language (there are 53 different synonyms for the word "see")
- Only 20% of any message is contained in the words
- Tone
- Body
- Cultural differences
- Americans smile to be friendly. The French, however, don't smile unless they mean it.
tone and meaning?
Tone and Meaning
I think this program is exciting (others disagree)
I think this program is exciting (I'm not sure yet)
I think this program is exciting (others are dull)
I think this program is exciting (but the room is a dump)
I think this program is exciting (I agree, it is)
I think this program is exciting (I'm delighted)
Body language
Body language
- Folded arms
- The person could be cold, or trying to hide wardrobe malfunction
- No eye contact
- In many cultures, direct eye contact is rude
- Leaning backwards
- Used to it, more comfortable
- Not smiling
- Head in clouds, tough times, just got back from the dentist
* Clarify body language just as you would clarify a statement
Whole messages
WHOLE MSG
A means of accepting responsibility for clear communication
Four components
Four components
- Observations: What happened
- Thoughts: What you think about it
- Feelings: How you feel about it
- Needs: What you want to do about it
Example
WHY Can't you just say what you mean?
tone and meaning?
Expression
- WELL...
- The ambiguity of language (there are 53 different synonyms for the word "see")
- Only 20% of any message is contained in the words
- Tone
- Body
- Cultural differences
- Americans smile to be friendly. The French, however, don't smile unless they mean it.
Body language
Example
- Folded arms
- The person could be cold, or trying to hide wardrobe malfunction
- No eye contact
- In many cultures, direct eye contact is rude
- Leaning backwards
- Used to it, more comfortable
- Not smiling
- Head in clouds, tough times, just got back from the dentist
* Clarify body language just as you would clarify a statement
WHY Can't you just say what you mean?
tone and meaning?
Expression
- WELL...
- The ambiguity of language (there are 53 different synonyms for the word "see")
- Only 20% of any message is contained in the words
- Tone
- Body
- Cultural differences
- Americans smile to be friendly. The French, however, don't smile unless they mean it.
Body language
Example
- O: You didn't clean your room
- T: I'm not sure why but I think you may have been overwhelmed with school/work
- F: I'm concerned because I feel like this is becoming a habit for you and I don't feel that it is right for me to clean after you.
- N: Let's talk because I really need you to start cleaning up after yourself.
communication breakdown
communication breakdown
#1 Partial messages
- Omit observations and you get... arguments over facts
- Omit thoughts and you get... excessive explanation
- Omit feelings and you get... "terminal professionalism"
- Omit needs and you get... people acting on assumptions
communication breakdown
#2 contaminated messages
- The undercurrents in a message
- Tmit thoughts and you get... excessive explanation
- Omit feelings and you get... "terminal professionalism"
- Omit needs and you get... people acting on assumptions
"You cannot have
a positive life and
a negative mind."
- Joyce Meyer
Complete survey/assessment
https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/ZZPMFYL
THANK YOU