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Not all unhealthy behaviors indicate that a relationship is abusive.
If a relationship is abusive -- it is unhealthy.
For the purpose of this presentation - we aren't focusing on necessarily distinguishing between unhealthy-abusive, but instead - looking FORWARD to a future where....
All of our clients DESERVE relationships that are filled with love & respect and are HEALTHY!
WHY DO PEOPLE ABUSE/CAUSE HARM ?
WHY DO PEOPLE ABUSE/HURT OTHERS ?
Anger, alcohol, stress, behavior of the victim (instigated) communication problems, culture, poverty, love, to teach a lesson
These may be escalating factors, or unrelated completely - but not WHY people abuse
POWER
and
CONTROL
THOSE WHO ABUSE OTHERS ARE MAKING A CHOICE -- avoid explaining away the abuse, or why the unhealthy behaviors are happening (an understanding on your end, can make you a better helper, but when it comes to working directly with a client – these rationalizations are not helpful, they “excuse away” the abuse.)
Believe without hesitation
Someone's ability to charm does not mean they are innocent - rather they have the ability to present as different in public and in their private relationships
Do NOT doubt validity or question truth when client is sharing (unfortunatley, it's probably been questioned already)
It's NOT helpful to refer to the person who causes harm as having uncontrolled anger, it's an active choice. There are other choices for the person causing harm to make: communicate, break-up, leave, remove yourself and walk away, seek treatment or support, etc.
Fault is often assigned to the victim in the dialogue surrounding abuse in our society:
"What did they do to provoke?"
"Why didn't they leave?"
"They should have...I would have..."
WE have the opportunity to alter that dialogue
FEAR (CONSEQUENCES - ABILITY TO MAINTAIN INDEPENDENCE). NORMALIZED ABUSE (NEVER WITNESSED A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP, EXAMPLES OF VIOLENCE/ABUSE). SHAME (RESPONSIBILITY FOR PARTNER'S ABUSIVE BEHAVIORS, NO ONE KNOWS). INTIMIDATION (VERBAL/PHYSICAL THREATS. INFORMATION SPREADING).
LOW SELF-ESTEEM(WON'T FIND ANYONE ELSE, AT FAULT, CAUSE OF THE ABUSE, IT WILL CONTINUE REGARDLESS). LACK OF RESOURCES(FINANCIAL DEPENDENCE, RESTRICTIONS ON NETWORK, WORK/EDUCATION, INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS). DIFFERING ABILITIES (DEPENDENT FOR PHYSICAL/MEDICAL SUPPORT). IMMIGRATION STATUS (CONCERNS FOR LEGAL INVOLVEMENT, AMPLIFIED BY POTENTIAL LANGUAGE BARRIERS). CULTURAL/RELIGIOUS CONTEXT (CUSTOMS AND BELIEFS MAY ADVOCATE STAYING, "WORKING THROUGH", NO OPTIONS FOR DIVORCE, ETC.). CHILDREN (GUILT OVER DISRUPTING THE FAMILY UNIT, RESPONSIBILITY). FEELINGS OF LOVE (NOTION OF THE HONEYMOON STAGE, RETURN TO HOW THINGS USED TO BE, COMPLICATED FEELINGS THAT ABUSE DOESN'T NEGATE)
https://www.thehotline.org/support-others/why-people-stay/
Do you find yourself judging others for staying? (Admitting this is step one in processing through that and working towards becoming a better helper)
Do you have certain criteria for how you pass judgment? (Who gets more empathy from you? What are the criteria to your ability to follow the client's decision making process?)
Are there certain "no-gos" for you that make it hard for you to support a client in an abusive/unhealthy relationship? (If children are involved? If you know someone/are someone who experienced something similar? They have sought out support x number of times before?)
Do you view the situation from a personal lens? How you would handle it? What you'd do differently?
Be supportive, do NOT make accusations.
HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THIS? I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TOLERATE THIS! YOU JUST NEED TO LEAVE.
LISTEN to understand.
If your client is talking, do not interrupt, do not immediately offer an action plan or state what you would do differently. Give your client the space to feel HEARD.
DO NOT: overreact, blame, show disappointment, judge.
BELIEVE YOUR CLIENT. Believe that what they are telling you is the truth (if they are in an abusive relationship they already have someone minimizing their truth and manipulating their emotions)
DO NOT: show skepticism – this may make them hesitant to tell you things. Interactions that distance them from others aren't helpful to create distance from the person causing harm.
“You don’t deserve to be treated like this”
“You deserve to be in a relationship where you are treated with respect”
“This is not your fault”
“Everyone deserves a relationship that is healthy, happy, safe, and fun.”
"It sounds like this is painful."
"That sounds like it hurts (physically/emotionally)"
Behavior focused.
When approaching the conversation, talk about the BEHAVIORS that you don’t like – don’t make it about not liking the person.
PERSON focused: “She is controlling, she sounds like a bad partner."
BEHAVIOR focused: “It seems like they text you to see where you are all the time - How does that make you feel?”
When we force decisions (before someone is ready), there are most likely unresolved feelings – potential to increase temptation, likelihood to return is possible, confusion, defending person who caused harm, overwhelmed, no longer feel like a safe place, etc.
REPEAT YOUR CONCERN:
“You don’t deserve to be treated like this”
“You deserve to be in a relationship where you are treated with respect”
“This is not your fault”
“Everyone deserves a relationship that is healthy, happy, safe, and fun.”
Decide on next steps TOGETHER - don't simply instruct on an action plan
The decision must come from YOUR CLIENT
Ask directly, what “next steps” would you like to take?
Points of focus: their health, self care, stress management, talking to someone else if they are uncomfortable talking to you.
You can’t force your partner to change their behavior, especially if they don’t believe that they are wrong.
ASK QUESTIONS: What are ways we can increase your ability to focus on YOUR NEEDS – are you taking care of yourself, how are your stress levels? What can we do to help you de-stress? What coping skills work for you? Do you think you should talk about this with a counselor?
Your other relationships are important too! Do you think there is an opportunity to connect on a deeper level with your current system of support? Family, friends, etc.
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It's GOOD to validate experiences and feelings - but sometimes we feel the pressure to share in order to connect. Listening and responding are important - but it is also important to stay focused on the client and not shift direction to your own pain/experience/view
PROVIDE A SAFE SPACE TO LISTEN WITHOUT JUDGEMENT
LISTEN WITH THE INTENT TO UNDERSTAND, NOT RESPOND.
VALIDATE CLIENT FEELINGS
COMMUNICATE DIRECTLY THAT BEHAVIORS ARE UNHEALTHY AND THE CLIENT DESERVES RESPECT
How do you feel when you are with this person? Is this what you want in a relationship?
Have you considered leaving this relationship? Is that an option right now? You deserve to feel SAFE and ACCEPTED and RESPECTED in your relationship.
If safety is an immediate concern and you are able to do so in a supportive, safe way - you can start safety planning - discussing harm reduction.
Super helpful: An Interactive Guide to Safety Planning
https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-a-safety-plan/
Code words/phrases with support people.
Writing a number down in case partner takes/breaks phone - being able to contact your circle of support no matter what the partner does
Storage of important documents (PO, RO, birth certificates, SS card, etc.)
Online passwords, access to accounts, information sharing
Signs to watch for
Safe, PUBLIC places
Safe, supportive places
I believe you.
This is not your fault.
You don't deserve this.
You are not responsible for this violence, hurt, pain, trauma.
Find out what THEY want. Do not prioritize what you think is best. In most cases, choices have been TAKEN away. We want to give them the opportunity to MAKE CHOICES!
VALIDATE their feelings (especially if they are conflicting)
Supportive language. Affirmations of strength. Prompt for more information sharing and choice making.
I know I shouldn't have....
If only I would have....
It's my fault too.
I just was so weak. I should have been stronger.
I know I should have done it differently, it's just...
I provoked him/her
We both have problems.
Actions do not incite another person to abuse/cause harm - there is always a choice for a person who caused harm to not respond to the action with hurt or violence
Survivors do not "provoke" violence. People who abuse have an opportunity to leave, walk away, break up, divorce should they find their partner's behaviors frustrating or even unmanageable. Violence and hurt cannot be the answer.
POWER and CONTROL
It should not be the responsibility of the victim to rationalize this behavior.
*This may also lead to the victim taking on personal blame in the process of "explaining" the other person's actions**
Fight. Flight.
FREEZE. FAWN.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-and-recovery/202008/understanding-fight-flight-freeze-and-the-fawn-response#:~:text=Flight%20includes%20running%20or%20fleeing,person%20to%20avoid%20any%20conflict.
This question may seem simple or curious. Some may even defend the question as wanting to know more to prevent a future return. HOWEVER, it is filled with JUDGEMENT and places the blame on the victim/survivor of violence
I am confident I would have done it differently (Distance themselves from unpleasant realities)
What can YOU say if you hear this?
Seeing someone as "OTHER" helps us to confirm our own invulnerability to the risk of unhealthy relationships,
domestic violence and
sexual assault
What are some labels you hear?
How can you intervene?
National Domestic Hotline : Chat feature & Phone: 800.799.SAFE (7233)
https://www.thehotline.org/support-others/start-a-conversation/
"Why People Stay" https://www.thehotline.org/support-others/why-people-stay/
"Create a Safety Plan" https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-a-safety-plan/
"Understanding Fight, Flight, Freeze, and the Fawn Response" https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-and-recovery/202008/understanding-fight-flight-freeze-and-the-fawn-response#:~:text=Flight%20includes%20running%20or%20fleeing,person%20to%20avoid%20any%20conflict.