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REMEMBER:

Everyone DESERVES to have a loving, healthy and respectful relationship - no matter what!

Unhealthy Relationships

Unhealthy Relationships

Elizabeth FrancoKopec, LPC

The GOAL: Healthy Relationships

Not all unhealthy behaviors indicate that a relationship is abusive.

If a relationship is abusive -- it is unhealthy.

For the purpose of this presentation - we aren't focusing on necessarily distinguishing between unhealthy-abusive, but instead - looking FORWARD to a future where....

All of our clients DESERVE relationships that are filled with love & respect and are HEALTHY!

WHY DO PEOPLE ABUSE/CAUSE HARM ?

WHY DO PEOPLE ABUSE/HURT OTHERS ?

Misconceptions.

ABUSE IS LEARNED.

Anger, alcohol, stress, behavior of the victim (instigated) communication problems, culture, poverty, love, to teach a lesson

These may be escalating factors, or unrelated completely - but not WHY people abuse

Underlying elements of abuse can usually be sourced back to...

Reality: Abuse is LEARNED.

POWER

and

CONTROL

After learning a behavior - you still have a choice

THOSE WHO ABUSE OTHERS ARE MAKING A CHOICE -- avoid explaining away the abuse, or why the unhealthy behaviors are happening (an understanding on your end, can make you a better helper, but when it comes to working directly with a client – these rationalizations are not helpful, they “excuse away” the abuse.)

CHOICE!

Believe without hesitation

People who demonstrate abusive behaviors are usually charming, manipulative, and in control

Someone's ability to charm does not mean they are innocent - rather they have the ability to present as different in public and in their private relationships

Believe without hesitation.

Do NOT doubt validity or question truth when client is sharing (unfortunatley, it's probably been questioned already)

Someone causing harm is making a choice.

CONTROL

It's NOT helpful to refer to the person who causes harm as having uncontrolled anger, it's an active choice. There are other choices for the person causing harm to make: communicate, break-up, leave, remove yourself and walk away, seek treatment or support, etc.

Where is the responsibility?

Responsibility

Fault is often assigned to the victim in the dialogue surrounding abuse in our society:

"What did they do to provoke?"

"Why didn't they leave?"

"They should have...I would have..."

WE have the opportunity to alter that dialogue

Reasons to stay...

****Judgement free zone ****

As much as we want others to be in a relationship that is filled with love and respect and is healthy - we need to be a safe space (without judgement) for all conversations about relationships!

The fact is, clients may still be in the unhealthy relationship we are talking about - are we understanding WHY someone may stay?

WHY STAY?

FEAR (CONSEQUENCES - ABILITY TO MAINTAIN INDEPENDENCE). NORMALIZED ABUSE (NEVER WITNESSED A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP, EXAMPLES OF VIOLENCE/ABUSE). SHAME (RESPONSIBILITY FOR PARTNER'S ABUSIVE BEHAVIORS, NO ONE KNOWS). INTIMIDATION (VERBAL/PHYSICAL THREATS. INFORMATION SPREADING).

LOW SELF-ESTEEM(WON'T FIND ANYONE ELSE, AT FAULT, CAUSE OF THE ABUSE, IT WILL CONTINUE REGARDLESS). LACK OF RESOURCES(FINANCIAL DEPENDENCE, RESTRICTIONS ON NETWORK, WORK/EDUCATION, INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS). DIFFERING ABILITIES (DEPENDENT FOR PHYSICAL/MEDICAL SUPPORT). IMMIGRATION STATUS (CONCERNS FOR LEGAL INVOLVEMENT, AMPLIFIED BY POTENTIAL LANGUAGE BARRIERS). CULTURAL/RELIGIOUS CONTEXT (CUSTOMS AND BELIEFS MAY ADVOCATE STAYING, "WORKING THROUGH", NO OPTIONS FOR DIVORCE, ETC.). CHILDREN (GUILT OVER DISRUPTING THE FAMILY UNIT, RESPONSIBILITY). FEELINGS OF LOVE (NOTION OF THE HONEYMOON STAGE, RETURN TO HOW THINGS USED TO BE, COMPLICATED FEELINGS THAT ABUSE DOESN'T NEGATE)

https://www.thehotline.org/support-others/why-people-stay/

Identifying YOUR bias & YOUR judgement

Do you find yourself judging others for staying? (Admitting this is step one in processing through that and working towards becoming a better helper)

Do you have certain criteria for how you pass judgment? (Who gets more empathy from you? What are the criteria to your ability to follow the client's decision making process?)

Are there certain "no-gos" for you that make it hard for you to support a client in an abusive/unhealthy relationship? (If children are involved? If you know someone/are someone who experienced something similar? They have sought out support x number of times before?)

Do you view the situation from a personal lens? How you would handle it? What you'd do differently?

Sometimes you and the client will both have an understanding that the relationship is not healthy...that doesn't mean the relationship will end.

Providing Support to Clients...

Your client is not at fault for the abuse they experience OR the unhealthy behaviors of their partner...This should be communicated clearly and frequently.

Listen and give support

Be supportive, do NOT make accusations.

HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THIS? I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TOLERATE THIS! YOU JUST NEED TO LEAVE.

LISTEN to understand.

If your client is talking, do not interrupt, do not immediately offer an action plan or state what you would do differently. Give your client the space to feel HEARD.

DO NOT: overreact, blame, show disappointment, judge.

Believe your client

ACCEPT what your client is telling you

BELIEVE YOUR CLIENT. Believe that what they are telling you is the truth (if they are in an abusive relationship they already have someone minimizing their truth and manipulating their emotions)

DO NOT: show skepticism – this may make them hesitant to tell you things. Interactions that distance them from others aren't helpful to create distance from the person causing harm.

How can you communicate concern?

Show CONCERN

“You don’t deserve to be treated like this”

“You deserve to be in a relationship where you are treated with respect”

“This is not your fault”

“Everyone deserves a relationship that is healthy, happy, safe, and fun.”

"It sounds like this is painful."

"That sounds like it hurts (physically/emotionally)"

Resistance/Denial

If your client is not in a place to name the relationship as unhealthy/abusive....

It is important to respect your client's feelings. Talking bad/aggressively about a partner may discourage them from talking to you in the future.

*This does not mean you support the unhealthy relationship

Talk about the behaviors, not the person

Talk about the BEHAVIOR not the PERSON.

Behavior focused.

When approaching the conversation, talk about the BEHAVIORS that you don’t like – don’t make it about not liking the person.

PERSON focused: “She is controlling, she sounds like a bad partner."

BEHAVIOR focused: “It seems like they text you to see where you are all the time - How does that make you feel?”

Telling someone they have to leave

Instead of telling someone: YOU NEED TO LEAVE...

When we force decisions (before someone is ready), there are most likely unresolved feelings – potential to increase temptation, likelihood to return is possible, confusion, defending person who caused harm, overwhelmed, no longer feel like a safe place, etc.

REPEAT YOUR CONCERN:

“You don’t deserve to be treated like this”

“You deserve to be in a relationship where you are treated with respect”

“This is not your fault”

“Everyone deserves a relationship that is healthy, happy, safe, and fun.”

Working together to identify next steps

Working together for next steps:What does your CLIENT WANT?

Decide on next steps TOGETHER - don't simply instruct on an action plan

The decision must come from YOUR CLIENT

Ask directly, what “next steps” would you like to take?

Points of focus: their health, self care, stress management, talking to someone else if they are uncomfortable talking to you.

Listening is important...so is your response

Your turn to respond!

You can’t force your partner to change their behavior, especially if they don’t believe that they are wrong.

ASK QUESTIONS: What are ways we can increase your ability to focus on YOUR NEEDS – are you taking care of yourself, how are your stress levels? What can we do to help you de-stress? What coping skills work for you? Do you think you should talk about this with a counselor?

Your other relationships are important too! Do you think there is an opportunity to connect on a deeper level with your current system of support? Family, friends, etc.

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Try and stay away from personal sharing

It's GOOD to validate experiences and feelings - but sometimes we feel the pressure to share in order to connect. Listening and responding are important - but it is also important to stay focused on the client and not shift direction to your own pain/experience/view

PROVIDE A SAFE SPACE TO LISTEN WITHOUT JUDGEMENT

LISTEN WITH THE INTENT TO UNDERSTAND, NOT RESPOND.

VALIDATE CLIENT FEELINGS

COMMUNICATE DIRECTLY THAT BEHAVIORS ARE UNHEALTHY AND THE CLIENT DESERVES RESPECT

Future focused.

How do you feel when you are with this person? Is this what you want in a relationship?

Have you considered leaving this relationship? Is that an option right now? You deserve to feel SAFE and ACCEPTED and RESPECTED in your relationship.

If safety is an immediate concern and you are able to do so in a supportive, safe way - you can start safety planning - discussing harm reduction.

Safety Planning:

Super helpful: An Interactive Guide to Safety Planning

https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-a-safety-plan/

Code words/phrases with support people.

Writing a number down in case partner takes/breaks phone - being able to contact your circle of support no matter what the partner does

Storage of important documents (PO, RO, birth certificates, SS card, etc.)

Online passwords, access to accounts, information sharing

Signs to watch for

Safe, PUBLIC places

Safe, supportive places

Words that LIFT.

Words that LIFT.

I believe you.

This is not your fault.

You don't deserve this.

You are not responsible for this violence, hurt, pain, trauma.

Find out what THEY want. Do not prioritize what you think is best. In most cases, choices have been TAKEN away. We want to give them the opportunity to MAKE CHOICES!

VALIDATE their feelings (especially if they are conflicting)

Supportive language. Affirmations of strength. Prompt for more information sharing and choice making.

Survivors often self-blame

CATCH THIS! and RESPOND

I know I shouldn't have....

If only I would have....

It's my fault too.

I just was so weak. I should have been stronger.

I know I should have done it differently, it's just...

I provoked him/her

We both have problems.

Language that is victim blaming....Things we want to avoid saying (and address if we are thinking) when working with anyone who has experienced any type of abuse

What did you do??

Actions do not incite another person to abuse/cause harm - there is always a choice for a person who caused harm to not respond to the action with hurt or violence

What did you do??

Survivors do not "provoke" violence. People who abuse have an opportunity to leave, walk away, break up, divorce should they find their partner's behaviors frustrating or even unmanageable. Violence and hurt cannot be the answer.

Why did he/she/they do that?

POWER and CONTROL

Why did he/she do that?

It should not be the responsibility of the victim to rationalize this behavior.

*This may also lead to the victim taking on personal blame in the process of "explaining" the other person's actions**

Why didn't you leave/fight back?

Why didn't you leave/fight back?

Fight. Flight.

FREEZE. FAWN.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-and-recovery/202008/understanding-fight-flight-freeze-and-the-fawn-response#:~:text=Flight%20includes%20running%20or%20fleeing,person%20to%20avoid%20any%20conflict.

Why did you go back?

Why did you go back?

This question may seem simple or curious. Some may even defend the question as wanting to know more to prevent a future return. HOWEVER, it is filled with JUDGEMENT and places the blame on the victim/survivor of violence

Reasons people return to abusive relationships...or remain.

Society often misunderstands the complexity. It is part of our work, and our responsibility to understand.

Society often misunderstands the complexity. It is our job to understand.

fear, physical harm, threats, shelters are full, no place to go, failure of the criminal justice system to intervene in a meaningful/effective way, belief partner will change, culture, religion, family pressure, isolation, child custody, financial, child care, shame, immigration status....the list goes on

Reasons to stay

GOAL: To eliminate barriers and increase survivor's access to safety, resources, and support

GOAL: To eliminate barriers and increase survivors' access to safety, resources, and support

Create a culture that holds people who cause harm/perpetrate abuse accountable,

INTERVENE in observed situations of victim blaming,

advocate continuously in daily interactions

Interupting Cultural NORMS that shouldn't be normal...

Survivors have often received messages that society blames them for the abuse/assault/harm

I am confident I would have done it differently (Distance themselves from unpleasant realities)

What can YOU say if you hear this?

Labeling the victim/survivor (we want to see those hurt as "other")

Labeling the victim/survivor our peers can see those attacked as "other"

Seeing someone as "OTHER" helps us to confirm our own invulnerability to the risk of unhealthy relationships,

domestic violence and

sexual assault

What are some labels you hear?

How can you intervene?

Can you think of additional structures and ideas in our community that isolate, distance, label survivors of violence/people experiencing abuse?

Can you think of additional structures and ideas in military culture that isola...

Resources

Sources/Resources

National Domestic Hotline : Chat feature & Phone: 800.799.SAFE (7233)

https://www.thehotline.org/support-others/start-a-conversation/

"Why People Stay" https://www.thehotline.org/support-others/why-people-stay/

"Create a Safety Plan" https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-a-safety-plan/

"Understanding Fight, Flight, Freeze, and the Fawn Response" https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-and-recovery/202008/understanding-fight-flight-freeze-and-the-fawn-response#:~:text=Flight%20includes%20running%20or%20fleeing,person%20to%20avoid%20any%20conflict.

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