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Becoming more skilled peacemakers

Christian paradigms of Restoration: Peacemaking and Reconciliation

'Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.' - Jesus, Matthew 5:9

Christian paradigms of Restoration: Peacemaki...

'...but I tell you, love your enemy and pray for those who persecute you...' - Jesus, Matthew 5:43-47

Reconciliation (restoration of relationship) as a primary purpose of God's mission through Jesus: 2 Corinthians 5:16-21

The Slippery Slope of conflict

Escape

Responses

'Peace Faking'

Escape Responses

Denial

Flight

Suicide

Peace Making Responses

Personal Peacemaking

Assisted Peacemaking

Peace Making Responses

Graciously Overlook

Mediation

Adjudication

Reconciliation

Negotiation

Accountability

Attack Responses

'Peace-breaking'

Assault

Attack Responses

Litigation

Murder

The Pause Principle

of Negotiating

Negotiation is about working out material issues, but relationships are still important!

The Pause Principle

of Negotiating

Before a face to face negotiation, spend some time to P...A...U...S...E...

P

Prepare

P

Might include:

  • get the facts,
  • seek wise counsel,
  • develop options,
  • pray or meditate (prepare yourself)

A

Affirm Relationships

A

Remember, relationships are of primary importance in reconciliation and restorative practice!

Might include:

  • showing genuine concern and respect for others
  • finding what is good in the relationship/situation

U

Understand the other's interests

U

Work hard to identify others’ concerns, desires, needs, limitations, or fears.

You may find more commone ground than you thought.

St Francis of Assisi: Seek first to understand, then to be understood (taken up by Covey and others)

Philippians 2:3-4

S

Search for creative solutions

S

prayerful brainstorming, creative conversation

E

Evaluate options -

objectively and reasonably

E

  • evaluate, don’t argue
  • come to an agreed decision
  • implement together

Some resources for peacemaking

Peacemaking Principles:

Responding to Conflict Biblically

A booklet with a 'toolbox' for conflict response

http://bit.ly/Peacemakerpamphlet

Some resources for peacemaking

The Peacemaker by Ken Sande

A book with a more thorough background for each of the conflict resolution tools, with questions for personal reflection and practice

Pastor Nathan

has been trained as a 'Peacemakers Conflict Coach' Happy to give conflict coaching (but not to solve your problem!)

Confession

Dave Vinegrad (Restorative Practice):

'Face up, Fess up, Fix up, Finished'

Sure, I may have done something wrong. I would happily say I'm 40% responsible.

That means THEY are 60% responsible.

Therefore they are 1.5 times as guilty as I am, so they should take the initiative and apologise first.

Warning: watch out for the 60/40 principle

Confession

Jesus: Get the log out of your own eye first (Matthew 7:1-5)

Rock solid accountability!

Confession: taking responsibility for hurt and harm we have caused

The 7 A's of Confession

A helpful guideline, not a legalistic rule.

The 7 A's of Confession

Address everyone involved

Avoid if, but and maybe

Pseudo confessions...

Pseudo apologies... (some examples...)

Avoid if, but and maybe

Admit specifically

Confession is not saying 'I'm sorry'

It's saying, 'I did it, it was wrong, and it hurt you in this way.'

Admit specifically

Acknowledge the hurt

Who was harmed? In what way?

Acknowledge the hurt

Accept the consequences

Alter your behaviour

What needs to happen to make things right?

Alter your behaviour

Ask for forgiveness (and Allow time)

"I have hurt you in these ways.

Will you forgive me?"

Not a coercive question.

It may take time for the other to come to the point where they forgive you.

What does it mean to say 'I forgive you'?

Restorative practice

How do the 'affective questions' of restorative practice reflect some of the Seven A's? What is missing?

Restorative practice

Instigator

What happened?

What were you thinking and feeling when it happened?

Who has been affected?

How have they been affected?

What do you need to do to make it right?

Victim

What happened?

What did you think and feel when it happened?

How have you been affected?

What do you want to happen to make it right?

Forgiveness

in the New Testament, usually the Greek word 'aphesis' which has a variety of meanings

but primarily with the sense of 'release'

Forgiveness

“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.” Nelson Mandela

Particularly to release RESENTMENT

or the right to revenge

What is forgiveness NOT?

forgetting

minimizing

allowing harm or abuse to continue

saying the hurt or harm did not happen or 'it's ok'

What is forgiveness NOT?

Forgiveness is not a feeling.

removal of all consequences

Forgiveness is NOT YET reconciliation but it is a STEP on the way to reconciliation

Forgiveness is NOT EASY

What IS forgiveness?

Letting go of the 'right' to revenge

Letting go of resentment and bitterness

Forgiveness is a choice, an act of the will

Consciously ceasing to wish harm to the offender

What IS forgiveness?

Agreeing to live with the pain of the offence

Forgiveness is primarily for the sake of the victim, not for the sake of the offender

Forgiveness is a step on the way to freedom from trauma/past hurt

Forgiveness is costly

internal, personal

letting go of resentment, anger, and revenge

An ATTITUDE of forgiveness vs the GRANTING of forgiveness

dependent on REPENTANCE

Luke 17:3-4

ROCK SOLID ACCOUNTABILITY

An ATTITUDE of forgiveness vs the GRANTING of forgiveness

“Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude.” Martin Luther King Jr

The Four Promises of Forgiveness

Again, can never be used as a legalistic set of tick the boxes. This is a guideline.

The Four Promises of Forgiveness

ruminate on

play over in my mind

rehearse

I will not DWELL

on this incident

I will not bring this incident up and use it against you.

I will not talk to others about this incident.

I will not allow this incident to stand between us or hinder our personal relationship.

I will not allow this incident to stand between us or hinder o...

God's forgiveness and ours: an exploration

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