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Interpersonal Effectiveness
Basically: we are learning how to:
Ask and Say No
About
ABOUT
- How do you view your own interpersonal skills?
- What type of communicator are you? - use one word descriptors...
Assess Your Skills
taker
people pleaser
threatening
Your Skills
MOTHER
MANIPULATE
MARTYR
MANAGE
passive - aggressive
hint
doormat
score keeper
What Makes it Hard?
your emotions get in the way
Difficult
you don't know what you want
your thoughts and beliefs are in the way.
you forget long term goals for short term goals
GOALS
Recognize & Balance your GOALS
OBJECTIVE:
what specific results or changes do I want from this interaction?
- getting your needs met
- getting someone to do a favor
- refusing a request
- resolving a conflict
- setting a boundary
I want to maintain a strong, loving bond forever - no matter what they do.
I want to stay friends, but only if I am treated fairly.
I don't like them, but I want to have a good working relationship because it's effective.
This relationship is not important to me at all
RELATIONSHIP
How do I want this person to feel about me after this interaction?
Some relationships are more important than others. Here we look at how much we value this relationship compared to our objective and self respect in this situation.
Side Note
IF your goal is to...
- maintain the relationship
- get someone to like or approve of you
then that should be listed as your objective.
If you give up your objective for the sake of the relationship too often... resentment will build up and you'll likely
1. Blow up at the person
2. Walk out on them / leave
- Giving in for the sake of approval
- Lying to please others
- Acting helpless to get someone to do it / fix it for you
are all behaviors that diminish your self-respect over time.
Acting helpless may be strategic and a deliberately calculated - especially when the objective is a high priority.
When this works - it can be confusing because it gives you a temporary sense of control or mastery.
SELF RESPECT
Focusing on acting in ways that...
reflect your sense of right and wrong, and make you feel competent
It may help to think about it this way...
Lay it out on a bar graph - the sum of the goals has to equal 100%
35
Objective
20
Relationship
45
Self-Respect
Think of a situation
MYTHS...
Now, identify
- the objective
- the relationship goal
- the self-respect goal
MYTHS
Sometimes our thinking errors or MYTHS get in the way...
Objective Myths
Objective Myths
- I can't stand it if someone gets upset with me
- If they say "no", I'll ...
- I don't deserve to get what I want
- If I ask for something it means...
- I'm weak
- I'm needy
- I'm selfish
- Something is really wrong with my if I can't do this on my own
- The problem is just in my head - I should just forget about it and not bother anyone
- I should be willing to sacrifice my needs for others
Self-Respect Myths
Self-Respect Myths
- I shouldn't have to ask
- They should like, approve of, and support me
- Revenge feels good
- This is a catastrophe!
- Morals or values don't matter to me
Relationship Myths
- They should have known that would hurt my feelings
- I shouldn't have to negotiate
- I'm right
- They don't deserve to be treated well
- Getting what I want, when I want it is more important
Relationship Myths
Challenge Your Thinking Errors
We are re-training neuron-pathways here
- it'll take some time, but you have to start having new experiences in order to do this.
Is my Request Appropriate?
Timing...
Authority?
Priorities?
Homework?
Capability?
QUESTIONS
objective
relationship elf-respect
Who has more authority in this situation?
are they actually able to give you what you want?
Do you have all the facts you need to make your case?
Are they in a receptive mood? Is it a good time to ask?
Reciprocity
Long Term
Short Term
Rights
Relationship
Self-Respect?
How will you feel about yourself for asking or not asking?
Are you close enough to ask this of them?
Is there a law or moral code in the equation?
Does the person owe you a favor - or do you owe them?
Will you eventually regret asking or not asking?
INTENSITY
Intensity Level - depends on your GOALS
Saying NO
ASKING