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Genderlect Styles

Genderlect Theory

by Deborah Tannen

"Genderlect"

  • Describes the ways that men and women communicate differently

  • Suggests different genders speak different dialects of the same language, hence "genderlects"

"When Harry Met Sally"

Men communicating:

Seek status & work hard to preserve their independence

Men

Want a position of hierarchy

Men avoid topics that are not physical (intangibles) and that may be challenged, instead prefering "solid" facts

  • Men avoid showing emotions because they see it as a sign of weakness
  • Only participate when it does not make them look weak

Less emotive

Men talk more in public forums

Competitive in nature

Their audience has the power to recognize them and give them status that they seek

The public brings out their competitive nature and gives them the opportunity to seem like "top dog"

Men use interruption as a power-play

Interruption

For example, in a male-dominated business meeting, when the boss interrupts, others immediately allow this to happen.

Male conversations:

Tend to jump around as they compete to take the lead

Men also joke and tell stories more

Topic Jumpers

Women communicating:

Women

- Prefer to talk in private to gain more intimate connection

(In public there is less opportunity to create individual relationships)

- Tend to work hard to avoid conflict as it is something that reduces connections

- Portray themselves as the victim when telling stories to create empathy

Highly expressive

Woman are not afraid to express themselves directly as they seek depth in relationships

Often listen carefully to create hooks and reconnect to the situation at hand

Rapport Talk

Rapport Talk

vs.

Report Talk

  • associated with women
  • promotes social affiliation
  • focuses on emotional connections

  • associated with men
  • self-disclosure is more rare
  • focuses on exchanging information and upholding status

Report Talk

Rachel vs. Ross

Private Speech

Private vs. Public Speech

  • Tannen suggests that woman talk more than men in private conversations

  • Women share many details of their life through words while most men avoid this sense of small talk

Public Speech

  • Men are said to talk more in public situations (to have the "one up" on people)
  • When men talk a lot, it is meant to command attention onto themselves

Public Speech

  • Men stop doing this when private because they no longer feel the need to defend themselves
  • Women avoid public speaking because they'd much rather have one-on-one connection

Stories people tell reveal about their hopes, needs, and values

Men tell "can you top this" stories + their jokes are told to negotiate status

Telling Stories

Woman contrastingly use the victim role to create an empathetic connection

Men

When men aren't trying to be funny, they tell stories where they are the heroes

Women express their desire for community by telling stories about others

Women

Women sometimes tell stories of them doing something foolishly, which strengthens their network of support

Clear indications of listening

Listening

Women listening to a story or explanation tend to hold eye contact, offer head nods, and react with comments like "yeah, uh huh"

Women will speak before the other person is finished to add support via words of agreement or finishing a sentence with what she thinks the speaker will say

Women Listening

Again, men take interruptions as a power-move to take control of the conversation

Men Listening

These different views on interruption make it more difficult for men and women to understand each others intentions

Men will ask questions to make the speaker look wishy-washy or to stump/embarrass speaker

Asking Questions

Women establish connections through questions + will ask things to validate others' expertise or interests

Men are comfortable with conflict + simultaneously hate being told what to do

Conflict

Women don't like conflict and instead try to avoid it at any cost

Advantages & Disadvantages

+ Can allow us to acknowledge & appreciate opposing styles of respective genders

+ Can lead to greater understanding for others, thus creating healthier and happier relationships/ friendships

- Can be extremely sexist and stereotypical

- Can limit & confine how men and women speak not only to each other but to themselves

- Treats all men and women alike, ignoring complexities of individuals

- Can lead to miscommunication/misunderstanding & lead to a relationship's downfall

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