Emasculated:Men Are Abused Too

Cycle Of Abuse

Abuse Does Not Discriminate !!!

Are You In An Abusive Relationship?

helpguide

7 Stages Of Abuse !!!

Rising Tension, Irritability, Faulty-Finding, and Anger Often Precedes Verbal, Physical, Emotional, and Psychological Abuse. This Attack is Intended To Assert Control and Power.

Guilt Follows. There Are Apologies, Promises it Will Never Happen Again, Abuser Shows Affection. Later This diminishes Because the Abuser Sees The Man Does Not End the Relationship.

Abuser Rationalizes and Justifies the Behavior by Making the Man believe it is His fault. Often This Is Perceived as True, and the Man Makes Excuses for Abuser. The Man Rationalizes the Abuser Is Good, Except For those Occasions when Abuser's Out Of Control.

Between Abusive Episodes, Both Partners, From Shame, Fear, Or Toxic Love Will Attempt To Act As If Everything Is Normal Between Them.

Tension Mounts Again. The Abuser Begins Building Case By Focusing On What Abuser Does Not Like About Man, Which Justifies The Pending Attack and Fight.

At This Point The Abuser Ruminates and Goes Through Scenarios About The Up-And-Coming fight

The Internal Set-Up and Ruminating Has Built To A Point of Volcanic Eruptions, And Abuse Occurs Again.

Poppy Smith

4 Phases Of Abuse

Tension Building Phase:

Stress and strain begins to build between a couple. The abuser's behavior may become Passive-Aggressive, and become poor [or poorer] at communicating. The man knows that there's a strong possibility that "His Behavior" could "Trigger" An Abusive Reaction [conditioned], So The Man Will Alter His Behavior To Prevent the Abuser From Reacting and Becoming Abusive. [e.g., He walks on egg-shells to appease and please].

Incident Of Abuse:

The Act Of Abuse Occurs [e.g., Verbal, Physical, Emotional, Psychological or Gaslighting]. Some Physical Examples May Consist Of Spitting, Scratching, Hitting, Shoving, Bitting, and Throwing Objects. Other examples May Consist Of Passive-Aggressive: Ignoring, Neglecting, Intimidating, and Withholding Affection and Sex

Marie Stopes

4 Phases Of Abuse

Reconciliation Stage:

Also known as the honeymoon phase. The abuser becomes contrite and very apologetic for their behavior. They may become overly attentive and affectionate; they may try to ignore what happened, or they may even try to blame the victim for the abuse. The abuser will appear remorseful, repentant, and sad for a short period of time. Some abusers will threaten suicide or make threats so the man will not leave [e.g., also threatening they will not see their kids]. They all say, "it will not happen again."

Calm Stage:

An extension of the reconciliation stage. The abuser tries hard to show kindness, affection, and gives sex. The relationship seems calm and peaceful, falsely leading man to believe that abuser is trying and can change, he thinks things will be different this time. [False Hope]. However, new conflicts arise and the abuse cycle starts again at the tension-building stage ... [Endless Toxic Cycle]

Marie Stopes

Noticing and Acknowledging

Definition: Intimate-partner or wife tries to dominate, control, blame, withhold affection and sex, and creates chaos in the relationship.

An abuser does not play fair.

The intimate-partner or wife will:

• Blame,
• Fear,
• Guilt,
• Intimidation,
• Shame,
• Threaten Harm [e.g., hurt children or Self].

When a man remains, abuse escalates: Verbal, Emotional, Psychological, and/or Physical

Amaral

Are you in An Abusive Relationship?

Do You:

• Feel Stressed and Afraid Of Your Partner Much Of The Time?
• Avoid Certain Topics Out Of Fear Of Angering Her?
• Hold Your Wants and Needs In, So Not To Be Made Fun Of, Or Feel Needy?
• Feel Like You Can't Do Anything Right, and Nothing Is Good Enough?
• Believe That You Deserve To Be Hurt, Or Mistreated?
• Wonder If You Are The One Causing All The Issues [e.g., all your fault]?
• Feeling Emotionally Numb, Resentful, Angry, Drained, or Guilty?
• Feeling Helpless, No One To Talk To, No One To Believe You.
• Feel You Are Always Wrong While Communicating, or She Says You Do Not Understand Her?
• Believe That No One Else Will Put Up With You, Or Love You [e.g., She Tells You This]
• Feel Bad Because She Does Not React Well To Your Achievements, Or Support Your Goals.
• Freeze And Get Quiet When She Yells, Slams Doors, Throws Things, and Uses Malicious Remarks

HelpGuide

General Warning Signs

If You Are Being Abused You May:

• Feel Anxious or Afraid If You Don't Please Your Partner
• Go Along With things Your Partner Say's or Does
• Check In Often With Your Partner To Report Where You Are, and What You Are Doing
• Don't Make Most Decisions Without Your Partner In Fear Of Up Setting her
• You Receive Frequent Unnecessary and Harassing Messages/Calls From Partner
• Feel Embarrassed to Tell Anyone About How Your Partner Treats you [e.g., temper, belittling]

Help Guide

Specific Warning Signs

Physical Signs:

• Frequent Injuries, Bruises With The Excuses of "Accident."
• Miss Social Engagements, School, Work, and Need To Make Up An Excuse
• Body Aches, Head Aches, Weight Gain and/or Loss

Psychological Signs:

• Have Low-Self Esteem, Even If You Use To Be Confident
• Indication of Personality Changes [e.g., outgoing person becomes withdrawn]
• Feel Anxious, Chaos, Depression, Self-Doubt, and/or Suicidal

Emotional Signs:

• Feel Shame, Guilt, Doubt, Uncertainty, and that nothing you do is right and everything is your fault
• Feel Threatened in Subtle Ways [e.g., Abuser blames you, takes no responsibility for own choices]
• To Keep You Hooked, She Will Create Momentary Good Feelings and Moments

Help Guide

Commonly Used Is Emotional Abuse

Some believe that men are more sensitive to emotional abuse than woman and can "brush off" physical abuse more easily. Male victims of emotional abuse who are called a "coward," "impotent," or a "failure," may be more affected by these remarks than their female counterparts.

Controlling and emotionally abusive behaviors elicited by women may include:

Falsely accusing or threatening to accuse a man of assault on them or their children

Threatening to take away custody of the children

Threatening to kill themselves or others

Making the man feel like "he's crazy"

Minimizing the abuse; blaming the victim of the abuse

Playing mind games

Making the man feel guilty

Falsely obtaining a restraining order

Withholding affection

Stalking

Healthy Place

Economic or Financial abuse: Form of Emotional

An Abusers Goal Is To Control, and They Will Use Money To Do So [false security]:

Controlling and belittling you around income

Withholding money and credit cards

Bringing up to you that she is the breadwinner, and you can't make it without her

Making you account for every penny you spend

Withholding basic necessities [e.g., foods you like, clothes, etc]

Restricting you to an allowance

Choosing your career, if you do somethings she sees unfit to her lifestyle she belittles your work

Sabotaging you every step especially in regards to career

Spending your money as if it was hers.

Making your friends and family believe your not pulling your weight financially, and she is doing everything

Help Guide

Belittling Behavior

Does Your Intimate-Partner or Wife:

• Humiliate or Yell At You? [e.g., while alone or in front of people]
• Criticize You and Put You down? [e.g.,while alone or in front of people]
• Treat You Badly, and Are You Embarrassed for Your Friends or Family to See?
• Ignore or Put Down Your Opinions or Accomplishments?
• Blame You For their Own Abusive Behavior?
• See You As Her Property or An Object, Rather Than A Person? [e.g., You Pull All The Weight]
• See The Relationship As A Point System? [e.g., you owe her if she does something]

Help Guide

Controlling Behavior

Does Your Intimate-Partner or Wife:

• Act Jealous or Possessive Without Cause?
• Try To Control Where You Go or What You Do?
• Try To Keep You From Seeing People? [e.g., certain friends or family]
• Try To Limit or Control Access To Money, Phone, Or Car?
• Interrogate or Check Up on You, and What You Do? [e.g., phone, text, email, and social media]
• Make You Negotiate Terms To Do Things You Want?

Help Guide

Violent Behavior or Threats

Does Your Partner:

• Have a volatile, bad, and unpredictable temper?
• Hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
• Threaten to take your children away, or hurt and/or threaten to harm your children?
• Threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
• Destroy your belongings?
• Say she hates you, or other malicious detrimental comments [e.g., verbal abuse]
• Threaten to tell everyone you are abusing her, or threaten to call the police claiming Domestic Violence
• Create bruises on herself, and lead people to believe you caused the bruises

Help Guide

Female Abusers

Characteristics

Identifying

Domestic Shelters

Identifying Characteristics

• She has an intense temper, triggered by minor frustrations and arguments
• She is calm only when her partner is totally passive and giving in to all her preferences and decisions
• She has rigid expectations of partnership or men, and she expect her partner to behave according to her expectations or what she feels he should be like. She wants him to change to accommodate her expectations
• She projects blame of relationship difficulties on to the man [e.g., I wouldn't get mad if it were not for him, I wouldn't drink if he did not make her unhappy]
• She tends to have superficial relationships with people [e.g., talks behind peoples backs, only friends if it makes her look important, her main relationship is focused on the man she is with] This is another way to control
• She may be described as having dual personality, she is either sweet or exceptionally cruel and sharp [e.g., this is done to get what she wants from others]
• The man is a symbol for her life. The abuser doesn't relate to the man as a person in his own right [e.g., he is there to fulfill a role and facade so those looking at her life think she is accomplished]
• She will belittle or minimize the man's career, aspirations, and goals
• Females Commonly use the following forms of abuse: Emotional, Verbal, Psychological, Physical and Gas-lighting
• She will use the children as a form of control, making him feel Guilty and Afraid to leave

psychforums

Emotional Abuse #1

• It will erode your joy, your sense of well-being, and even your mental health, driving you into self-doubt, shame, and chaos.
• She will find multiple opportunities to point out what you are doing wrong, or that you are not doing enough
• She will not talk about your pain, and if you do, she will turn it around to tell you how much you have hurt her
• She will keep you on a short leash, when she feels you getting distant, she will show affection, sexual activity, and interest. Unfortunately the man sees this as she cares and wants him [e.g.,manipulation maneuver]
• She will make you feel as if her affection and love is conditional, if you keep her happy she occasionally gives attention
• You will feel as if you're walking on eggshells much of the time, you will awake, live, go to bed with lingering anxiety
• She will create a sense of "Shame" in you
• She will tell you that you're "Bad" that no one else would put up with you, or love you
• She indicates there is no time to talk about what worries, scares, or inspires you, notice that it’s part of a pattern
• She uses the “silent treatment” to punish you after a fight, or for saying or doing something she does not approve of, or for no apparent reason at all
• She makes mean jokes, criticizes and judges you negatively, and humiliates you
• Some women will use emotional abuse toward the children to control a man

vixen daily

Emotional Abuse #2

Emotional abuse of men include verbal assault, that make a person feel less self-worth or dignity. Emotional abuse of men makes them feel like less of a person.

Male victims of emotional abuse may experience partners that:

• Yell and scream
• Threaten them, and try to induce fear
• Insult and demean them; tell them they are not worth the trouble
• Socially isolate them
• Lie or withhold information
• Treat them like a child or servant
• Control all the finances
• Surround a man with friends who thinks like she does to influence him to remain in the relationship
• She will call your friends, without your knowledge, and have them encourage you to try harder and remain in relationship [she will ask your friends not to tell you about their communication]

Healthy Place

Verbal Abuse #1

• Subtle putdowns, or back handed compliments
• Withholding of information, failure to share thoughts or feelings
• Countering, argumentative, or dismissing the man's feelings, thoughts and experiences [subjective reality]
• Discounting, criticizing, she may say to man, "you are too sensitive, too childish, have no sense of humor, or make too big of a deal out of this"
• Verbal abuse disguised as joke, she will say something mean then, "It was just a joke"
• Blocking/diverting, which is a form of withholding, she may say "you are talking out of turn, or you complain too much"
• Accusing and Blaming, focus of relationship problems are put on man
• Judging and Criticizing begin with You statements. She says, "You never understand all my sacrifice"
• Trivializing she may undermine the man's work, career goals, dress attire, body shape, or food eaten

Psychology Today

Verbal Abuse #2

• Undermining everything the man says or suggests, making him question his own opinions and interests
• Threatening: If You don't "..." I will leave, I will tell everyone you do" ... " I will take your kids
• Name Calling: I hate you, Asshole, Bastard, Your not a man, You're a horrible father ...
• Ordering/ Expecting: Any form of ordering, talking down to, or expectations put on the man
• Denial is abusive when she denies her behavior, and failure to owning that she is the cause of the dissonance and chaos. [Watch for false acknowledgment to shut the man down, so he has hope she gets it and remains in the toxic cycle]
• Abusive/Passive Aggressive Behavior: Any form of Yelling and Screaming, especially out of context, Even yelling "Shut Up" is abusive. Passive Aggressive :Walking away, Distance, Cold Shoulder, Lack of Affection, or any form of shutting a man out
• Some women will use verbal abuse toward the children to control a man

Psycholgoy Today

Psychological Abuse

• If you were confident and self-assured before your relationship, you’re likely to find yourself suddenly self-doubting and insecure.
• If you felt grounded and trusted yourself, you are likely to become confused and indecisive.
• If you were happy and content, you’re apt to feel emotionally exhausted and anxious.
• If you were competent and thought well of yourself, you may come to feel unsure and incapable.
• If you once knew what you believed, you’re possibly losing confidence and trust in your own judgment.
• If you had insecurities, they will only intensify as they are used against you.
• Some women will use psychological abuse toward the children to control a man

psychology today

Physical Abuse

• Slapping a man
• Scratching a man
• Kicking a man
• Closed fist hitting a man
• Spitting on a man
• Throwing objects at a man
• Using a Gun or knife to harm a man [implemented as an equalizer]
• Some women will use physical abuse toward the children to control a man

psychology today

Gaslighting

• She surrounds you with people who keeps and encourages you to remaining in the relationship
• She may tell blatant lies
• She denies she said something, even when you have proof
• She will use what is near and dear to you as ammunition
• She will wear you down over time
• Their actions to not match their words
• She may throw in positive reinforcement to confuse you
• She knows confusion will weaken a man
• She projects
• She tries to align people against you
• She may tell you or others that you are crazy, making up things

Psychology Today

Statistical Data

“We don’t think of men as being capable of being victims or targets of abuse. We associate them with physical strength and being protectors, which does not align with pragmatic or dogmatic beliefs and images of someone being physically abused, psychologically manipulated, or degraded.”

Homicide

Physical

Psychological

Emotional & Verbal

Mel Magazine

HOMICIDE

While murder in general is a very personalized crime, in the vast majority of cases taking place between people who know each other, female murder appears to be an especially intimate act. That is, women are more likely than men to murder another family member particularly a husband; outside of husbands, the only significant choice for women appears to be a lover (Blum & Fisher 1978, p. 192).

• Men make up approximately 30% of intimate homicide victims, not accounting claimed self defense cases
• Guns and Knives are used by females in partner abuse acts to equalize and control the situation
• The presence of a gun in a domestic violence situation increases the risk of homicide by 500%

NCADV.ORG

HOMICIDE EXAMPLE

Overall, studies find that female-on-male assaults account for 12% to 40% of injuries from domestic violence; and Men make up about 30% of intimate homicide victims.

The 1998 killing of actor/comedian Phil Hartman by his wife, Brynn, who then committed suicide, is just one notable instance of a domestic murder in which the perpetrator with a history of violence was a woman.

Kathy Young: L.A. Times

Physical Abuse

Men and society do not acknowledge that women can be the abuser or predator so the data on this subject is slim due to lack of reporting and/or the man not being believed that he is the victim when reported.

• 1 in 4 men have been victims of [some form of] physical violence by an intimate partner within their lifetime
• 1 in 7 men have been victims of severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime
• 1 in 18 men have been stalked by an intimate partner during their lifetime to the point in which they felt very fearful or believed that they or someone close to them would be harmed or killed

Mel magazine and National Domestic Hotline

2010 According to the CDC’s Statistics

• Estimates based on more than 18,000 telephone-survey responses in the United States — roughly 5,365,000 men had been victims of intimate partner physical violence in the previous 12 months

• More severe threats like being beaten, burned, choked, kicked, slammed with a heavy object, or hit with a fist were also tracked. Roughly 40 percent of the victims of severe physical violence were men.

• The CDC repeated the survey in 2011, the results of which were published in 2014, and found almost identical numbers — with the percentage of male severe physical violence victims slightly rising.

“Reports are also showing a decline of the number of women and an increase in the number of men reporting” abuse, says counselor and psychologist Karla Ivankovich, PhD, an adjunct professor of psychology at the University of Illinois, Springfield.

Jenna Birch

EMOTIONAL AND VERBAL

Again, Men and society do not acknowledge that women can be the abuser or predator so the data on this subject is slim due to lack of reporting and/or the man not being believed that he is the victim when reported.

• Unable to locate reports from men on emotional and verbal abuse

The culture of abuse needs a full shift in perspective. “Domestic violence and emotional abuse against men is a huge problem — one that needs to be addressed with greater access to resources than what are currently available,” Ivankovich says. “Abuse is abuse. There is no point in which it is OK, especially to condone it for one sex and crucify the other. Anyone who is abused should be able to get help and should be able to do so in an environment that is not shameful or accusatory.”

Jenna Birch

PSYCHOLOGICAL

Men and society do not acknowledge that women can be the abuser or predator so the data on this subject is slim due to lack of reporting and/or the man not being believed that he is the victim when reported.

• 48.8 % of men in the United States have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetime

The hotline

Men Have Trouble Finding Help

For example, Paige Flink says when men call domestic violence agencies or law enforcement they’re often ridiculed. “Men report that the police often laugh at them and say things like ‘What’s wrong with you? Can’t you control your woman?’”

“When I called the police to file a complaint against my former wife,” Ian Alterman wrote in a 1994 letter to The New York Times, “the initial response was amused disbelief. When I finally convinced them my complaint was real, the response — without missing a beat — was, ‘So hit her back.’”

Mel Magazine

Men Have Trouble Asking For Help

Abused men have faced widespread biases from police, judges and social workers, who tend to assume that the man in a violent relationship is the aggressor and to trivialize assaults by women. Much of this prejudice stems from traditional sexism: Battered men violate stereotypical expectations about manliness. Yet feminists perpetuate such sexism when they deny the reality of male victims and female abusers. Equality should include recognizing women's potential for abusive behavior.

Kathy Young: L.A. Times

Blatant Bias

Discussions of female-on-male abuse have been met with extreme hostility from feminist academics, activists and commentators. Scholars studying the subject have been attacked as apologists for misogyny. Battered women's advocates tend to explain away female violence as almost entirely defensive, despite evidence to the contrary. One reason for this attitude is solidarity with women as victims; another is the dogmatic view that battering is an expression of patriarchal power.

Kathy Young: L.A. Times

Why Do Men Remain In Abusive Relationships

Many of us would not want to admit that many men, living with abusive wives or partners, find it difficult to leave the relationship. We know that there are some women who, without reason, are belligerent, angry, and violently aggressive. Their husbands do not know what to do to please them.

These wives or partners are, usually behind closed doors, unashamedly loud, excessively critical, mostly emotionally but sometimes physically abusive. Yes, men can be abused, too, and not because they are "wimps." Although the situation is somewhat different and usually involves mostly emotional abuse, and even though it is usually easier - financially speaking–for a man to leave the relationship, men often stay for various reasons.

B.H. Brennen

Specific Reasons Men Remain?

There are many reasons men stay or do not quietly slip away from abusive partners:

• Denial: he may convince him self that her abuse is caused by her emotional personality, PMS, or other hormone fluctuations.
• Out of fear for the unknown, and reaction of his partner for ending relationship
• Out of fear of judgement from family and friends
• Feeling embarrassed to admit he has been abused
• Feeling obligated and pressured by conditioned, cultural, and societal beliefs
• He is scared to make any kind of move due to lack of confidence within himself [Emotional abuse destroys confidence]
• He is trapped in the cycle, after every abuse there is an affectionate honeymoon phase
• Society normalizes unhealthy behavior and does not realize the abuse

B. H. Brennen and Live Strong

Reach Out, Get Help

Equality should include recognizing women’s potential for abusive behavior.

Men Are Socialized Not To Express Their Feelings, and Not Seen as Victims

Many cultures still cling to narrow definitions of gender (although there are signs that this is slowly shifting). Young boys are taught not to express their emotions, to “Suck It Up” and “Be A Man.” Not to tell anyone they are being miss treated.

This can be extremely detrimental to boys as they age, especially if they find themselves in an abusive relationship. Men may feel discouraged to talk about what’s going on in their personal lives, or they feel like no one will believe them. They may not even realize that they are being abused, or they might assume they should just deal with the abuse on their own.

The Hotline

What Can Male Victims Do

Unfortunately, due to lack of awareness, programs for male victims of abuse are almost nonexistent. However, private counseling and general anti-violence advocacy groups may be helpful.

Male victims of abuse can:

Call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE

Call the Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-CHILD

Male victims of abuse need to:

• Leave the relationship
• Tell others about the abuse
• Keep evidence of abuse for possible legal actions
• Do Not retaliate

Healthy Place

Places To Turn For Help

Men:

Turn to someone you feel safe with, one who believes and supports you

Remove yourself from the relationship, and establish a stable environment

Begin proceedings to co-parent and/or custody of children through legal avenues [Don't Wait]

Contact:

• Male Survivor: malesurvivor.org
• Center Against Domestic Violence: CADVNY.org or 800-621-HOPE [4673]
• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-SAFE [7233]
• Stop Abuse For Everyone: 512-267-SAFE [7233]
• Cordell and Cordell: Family Law Attorney For men [Fathers Rights]: cordellcordell.com or
• 866-DADS-LAW

J. Ferguson