Copy of Revising

What It Takes To Get Into UC Berkeley

by Forbes

• Try to make your Personal Statement vivid, or, if you can, make it powerful
• Try to avoid making the admission officers bored.

DO NOT FORGET TO ANSWER THE PROMPT

Examples of leads and endings:

Lead: “I had no choice but to confront constant torments head on. The experience of family conflicts has helped shape my personality."

Ending: "Thanks to my past pains, I am now well prepared to face future challenges with aplomb."

College Application Process

• Don't talk about SAT scores/grades, it would paint you as a bragger.

• Share your interests, hobbies, strengths, and passions

• Set yourself apart - admissions are looking for something personal

• Engage the readers - make them want to know you

ARTICLES

3 Ways To Improve Your Personal Statement

Begin with an Anecdote

• hook/lead to pull reader in
• anecdote: an amusing/funny short narrative

Character Development

• be/sound likeable; no one wants to read about some arrogant know-it-all
• don't talk about being a perfectionist - no one wants to read about how you almost got a B

Language Choice

• don't be too formal, the readers know about your accomplishments
• now is the time for them to know you as a real person

Practice revising

Create a "Shape"

• Stairs: step by step - logical and clear.
• Flower: sprouting petals from the center
• S curve: the end points back to the beginning
• like chipping at a block of stone to create a statue or shaping clay with your hands

• Work from the good
• Improve the bad
• Follow what you think is best, even if it wasn't the intended idea
• create BALANCE with a mix of language: tuxedo and street talk (formal and informal)

RECOMMENDATIONS

Leads

Endings

Sometimes, something that could serve as a lead doesn't come until much has been written.

That's OK - but remember that you generally want the first sentence to be one of your best.

Don't repeat - relate

• "I do some of my best thinking in the bathroom" -> "Maybe they'd think of something": some thinking, think of something
• "This seems to be an era of gratuitous inventions and negative improvements" -> "What we need is Progress with an escape hatch"

Tip: Try ending the essay with a short sentence.

• The Anecdote
• The Why? Lead
• The Shocker
• The Curmudgeon (paradox)
• The Split
• The Confession
• Stating the Obvious

Chapter 7:

Sweetheart, Get Me Rewrite!

Do not announce the beginning or ending:

Do NOT begin with:

"In the following essay, I hope to show..."

Do NOT conclude with:

"In conclusion..."

"In summation..."

"Finally..."

Such statements can be considered hollow and devoid of meaning.

Moneymaker

Period 5, English 4

Due 9/12

Daguan Chen

Jennifer Nguyen

Joey Thai

No rhetorical questions

"Have you ever thought about bee pollen?"

Of course no one has thought of bee pollen before, why do you ask?

PITFALLS

Dead lead

If beginning is dull, the reader will have the impression the rest of the essay will be, too.