ITSEC vendor presentation for dummies

ITSEC vendor presentation for dummies Your boss told you to create a presentation for a security vendor conference. You never ever created any presentations. Follow these basic steps and you will be able to create the best presentation.

Good luck and don't forget: FUD is your very best friend. You have to show a lot of vendor logos. If the sponsors had not sponsored the event, the infosecurity/presentation day would not been held.

illustrate as many vendors as you can

bonus points for recently hacked, breached or backdoored vendors rule 1: fancy theme with fancy 3D animations.
the more animations you have, the less chance that audience spots that your product simply sucks

show a nice quotation - it does not matter who do you citate, just don't waste your time to find it out.
it's OK if it has some connection with the next slides Vendor logos Animation don't forget to insert your name and your company into the slides.
if you have any ^C[:upper:]*S[:upper:]*$ security certifications, be proud to put it here
The more is the better.

don't forget to put the product logo on every slide.
it will help you to remember which product you are selling now Intro yourself Be politically correct If illustrate people on your slides, always:
be careful to include every race on the slides
don't forget to show a women as well
old people are not trendy, just omit them
if you don't have a picture about a white male, it's OK to exclude them GRC People tend to forget acronyms like:
ISO27001
PCI DSS
HIPAA
SOX
GLBA
FISMA
country laws,
etc.

don't forget to tell them:
being compliant is super important

even if they
don't handle credit cards
don't handle medical records
are outside of the USA Diagrams, statistics Always use an exponential diagram:
because you want to freak the $h1t out of the participants
it's OK not to label the x and y axis
if you don't know what x and y axis is, just use the following template Bull$h1t page Never ever forget the bull$h1t page:
one of the most important slides
use fancy buzzwords like:
APT
cloud
virtualization
zero day
mobile computing
hackers
wikileaks
Anonymous
cyberwar
armageddon

People usually don't understand these terms but they are afraid of them. The goal of this slide is to freak the participants. They have to manage so many different technologies, but they are still not protected. Penalty points for the lack of TWA words (three word abbreviation).

if you don't have time just use the following as a template Social networking Insert as many social networking logos as you can:
it's ok if you don't understand the difference between social, IM, chat, P2P Already deployed technologies won't protect anybody Buy our product NOW The participants has had become so devastated now that it is time to give them the product which will solve all of their problems. It's OK to use the following steps to explain how the product works:

Burning desire for security
???
Profit

Don't shame to lie what the product is able to do
tell them it uses effective behavorial analysis
includes zero day threat protection

lie about how few full time employees are needed to operate/use it it's blackbox
no operation is needed (NT4 embedded)

Be careful not to write it down on the slides, just mention it. Funny pic by now everybody has fallen asleep
put a funny picture here
it's OK if it is not related with the slides
hint: LOLCATs or 4chan memes are funny Case study Include some recent or non recent data breach/hacking case study.
Tell them if the customer had had the "blabla ITSec product", they would not been listed here. Product details Never ever say any technicalities about the product. If you do that it will uncover the secret that the product is only available to increase the global warming and eating up memory/cpu/storage, nothing else.

Mention everybody that the product is:
highly available
highly scalable
fault tolerant
hacker proof
built with 4-tier application architecture Questions slide Be prepared that some people will ask you real questions. Due to the fact that you understand neither the question nor the product product, tell them the product is capable of blablabla... Greetz to :
IDC security roadshow for the idea
DRH for the implementation

"The whole ITSEC profession is in the hands of nobodies ..."