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Withdrawn Group
The Withdrawn Group consists of enneagram types 4, 5, and 9.
Each of these types are withdrawn in their own ways but they all move away from people in hopes of earning what they desire (attention for 4’s, security for 5’s, or autonomy for 9’s)
Pros of the Withdrawn Group types: they are introspective, imaginative, and not attention seeking.
Cons of the Withdrawn Group types: they have a hard time in large groups and with taking charge.
Type 4’s in the Withdrawn Group
Enneagram type 4’s move away from people by withdrawing into their idealized self in hopes of earning attention.
Type 5’s in the Withdrawn Group
5’s move away from people by withdrawing into their minds in hopes of earning security.
Type 9’s in the Withdrawn Group
9’s move away from people by withdrawing into their safe inner sanctum in hopes of earning autonomy.
Advice for the Withdrawn Group
Be aware that as a withdrawn type you tend to default to your thoughts and dreams in order to think that you are alright. This is because withdrawn types are “unproductive” in their doing. Try to be present in the moment and not dwell so long on thinking that you never get around to doing.
Agenda
Enneagram and Olympian
Gods and Goddesses
Building Relationships with Ones
1) Communicate clearly, reasonable and not overly emotional
2) Check in with them about stress and offer help
3) Stay focused and series at first, then be social
Hot Buttons
1) Don't criticize or shame them
2) Don't question integrity
3) Do what you say you will do
4) Do be conically tarty
Myers Briggs
Goddesses
Aphrodite:ESFP
Athena: ENxJ
Hera: ESTJ
Persephone: ?
Demeter: ?
Artemis: ISTJ
Gods
Zeus: ESTJ
Ares: ESTP
Poseidon: INTJ
Hades: ENTJ
Apollon: ENTP
Hermes: ENFP
Hepha�sto: ISTP
Dyonisos: ESFP
Zeus - Eight. Emphasis about being in power and being number #1. There is a certain Self-Confident/3ish streak to him, but certainly there is no dependency on what others think. Zeus is a Thinking Eight in that he is the type of Eight which doesn't let his passion get a hold of him like other Eights. He likes to be in control, and focuses mostly on work and his professional life. He prefers to be at the top of the status quo and to maintain stability around him. He is the God of Gods, the ruler of Mt. Olympus.
Poseidon - One/Eight. He is very similar to Zeus but the main contrast is that Zeus is a cold, logical thinker while Poseidon is vengeful, wrathful, and emotional. He is known to carry grudges for a very long time. Ones are normally described as being unemotional, but Poseidon seems to be an emotional One. He is also known for being patient, conscientious, and a hard-worker. He is the God of the Sea, a metaphor for feelings.
Hades - Five. The god of the underworld. The most introverted of the gods, when he ventured out into the outer world he wore an invisible cap. He was feared by those outside of his realm. The underworld is the archetype for the collective unconscious and the world around us, behind appearances. Fives, more than any other type, seem to be the most interested in discovering the hidden truths which operate day-to-day (philosophy, mythology, psychology, etc.). Hades was also known as Plouton ("The Rich One") since he was satisfied with the riches of his underworld. This is a clear metaphor for the richness of a Five's inner world.
Apollo - One/Three Apollo is described as extraverted, positive, clear, goal-oriented, achieving, and rational. He is a "golden boy", the first-born son, the family hero. The main traits to this archetype is his clear-cut logical thinking and his determination to meet long-range goals. He is future-oriented, not a live-in-the-moment guy. He is the God of the Sun, Music, Poetry, Law, and Light -- the beauty of the rational.
Hermes - Seven. Hermes is a good example of the Thinking Seven, since he is a trickster archetype. He is always traveling from place to place, using his notoriously quick mind to get him out of trouble. He is a little theif too, that likes to play innocent. He is good-humored and known to be the friendliest of all the gods. He is sanguine and doesn't take things personally. He likes to have a good time and experience as much of life as possible. He is the God of Commerce, Theives, Travelers, and Communication.
Ares - Six. Ares is described as intensely emotional and physical. He was a warrior, dancer, lover -- roles performed using emotion and physicality. The Greeks despised him because his ugly side was his battle lust and his rejection of thinking things through. However he is also known to be fiercely loyal and partisan, and loved his own children more than any other god loved their own. In Rome, where the military was much more highly valued, he was known as Mars, and he was seen more as a Protector god than a viscious one. He is the God of War.
Hephaestus - Four. He was a shy, ugly, rejected artisan. His own parents rejected him, he had a club foot, but he was also able to create the most beautiful and wonderful things with his blacksmithing. He created Zeus's thunderbolts, Hades' invisible cap, and Achilles' Shield among others. He was also shamed by the other gods and kept his emotions bottled up inside of him. He is the God of the Forge.
Dionysus - Seven. In contrast to the Thinking Seven, Dionysus is the Feeling Seven. He is a here-and-now, instinctual god who sought out the totality of experience. He is known for his duality. In modern times, he would be the God of Sex, Drugs, and Rock 'n Roll. Like Hermes, he was always on the go, but he wasn't known for his agile mind, but for the irrational ecstasy he brought. He was the complete opposite of Apollo in that he favored merging, extremes, and excitement. He was the God of Wine and Revelry.
Introduce yourself and share what brings you to Enneagram work?
Withdrawn Types (5,4,9)
Aggressive Types (7,8,3)
Compliant Types (1,2,6)
What brings you to this Enneagram Workshop?
OR
How have you found the Enneagram useful?
1) Overview of Enneagram and Social Change
2) Explore the gifts and challenges of the types
3) How can you engage?
Assertive Group
The Assertive Group (sometimes referred to as the Aggressive Group) consists of enneagram types 3, 7, and 8.
Each of these types are aggressive in their own ways but they all move against people in hopes of earning what they desire (attention for 3’s, security for 7’s, or autonomy for 8’s)
Pros of the Assertive Group: they are independent, energetic, and assertive.
Cons of the Assertive Group: they may be demanding and sometimes have a hard time following through on projects.
Type 3’s in the Assertive Group
Enneagram type 3’s move against people by being aggressive in their goals in hopes of earning attention.
Type 7’s in the Assertive Group
Enneagram type 7’s move against people by being aggressive in satisfying their desires in hopes of earning security.
Type 8’s in the Assertive Group
Enneagram type 8’s move against people by being aggressive in asserting themselves against others in hopes of earning autonomy.
Advice for the Assertive Group
Be aware that as an assertive type you tend to default to your intensity in order to feel that you are alright. This is because assertive types are “unproductive” in their feeling. Try to be be aware of how you really feel and how others may feel before instinctually demanding what you think you need.
The Aggressive Types are balanced to prefer the thinking or doing centers, and to be out of touch with the feeling center. There is a tendency to act without regard for emotions – their own and those of others.
Type 7, in the thinking center, prefers to live in the world of plans and activity, to avoid becoming trapped in their own pain. Type 7s are aggressive about meeting their own needs for stimulating activities.
Type 8, in the doing center, prefers action, and uses thinking as a support function. Type 8s like to make a big impact in the world through their actions.
Type 3, in the heart center, are the most out of touch with their feelings. Threes can set their feelings aside to aggressively pursue their goals.
Exercises for the Aggressive Types – Getting in touch with the heart
Learn to put your feelings into words. Write them down or talk with someone about them.
Compliant Group
The Compliant Group (sometimes referred to as the Dutiful Group) consists of enneagram types 1,2, and 6. Each of these types are compliant/dutiful in their own ways but they all move toward people in hopes of earning what they desire (autonomy for 1’s, attention for 2’s, or security for 6’s)
Pros of the Compliant Group types: they are committed, hard workers, sacrificial, and responsible.
Cons of the Compliant Group types: they have a hard time relaxing and may feel superior to others (although this may not always be evident)
Type 1’s in the Compliant Group
Enneagram type 1’s move toward people by following the rules in hopes of earning autonomy.
Type 2’s in the Compliant Group
Enneagram type 2’s move toward people by loving and caring for them in hopes of earning attention.
Type 6’s in the Compliant Group
Enneagram type 6’s move toward people by being loyal to others in hopes of earning security.
Advice for Compliant Group
Be aware that as a compliant type you tend to default to rules and belief systems in order to know what to do. This is because compliant types are “unproductive” in their thinking. Try to think through what is actually needed before instinctually following the rules or belief systems that you have in place.
The Withdrawn Types are balanced to prefer the thinking or feeling centers, and to be out of touch with the body, or doing center. They tend to underuse their bodies and avoid acting meaningfully in the world.
For example a Type 5 is overidentified with the thinking center, and uses their feeling center to support their thinking processes. Type 5s withdraw to protect themselves from the demands of people, and from the chaos in the external world.
Type 4, on the other hand, prefers the feeling center, and uses the thinking center and imagination to ramp up the intensity of feelings. Type 4s withdraw to protect their feelings and to live in their imaginary worlds.
Type 9 is in the center of the Instinctive Corner, and is therefore the most out of touch with the Doing Center. They may seem plenty busy, but since they have difficulty figuring out what is important for them to do, they spend a lot of time in time-wasting activities. Type 9s withdraw from conflict to protect their own sense of inner peace.
Exercises for the Withdrawn Types (4,5,9) – Getting in touch with the body and the world
The Compliant Types are balanced to prefer the feeling and doing centers. They are compliant to the demands of the superego, and the most out of touch with their own quiet minds.
Type 1s, in the Instinctual Center, is extremely in touch with the superego messages of parents and sources of wisdom. They have taken on these messages as their own, and are on a mission to reform the world to the way it “should” be.
Type 2s, in the Heart Center, are driven by the superego message to be loving and helpful to others. Type 2s tend to “do their feelings.” Instead of feeling their feelings they immediately put them into action.
Type 6s, in the Thinking Center, are the most out of touch with their own thinking processes. Type 6s internalize all kinds of beliefs and messages from various sources, in order to protect their own security. Sixes have a variety of superego messages, and sometimes talk about having an “inner committee.”
Exercises For the Complaint Types
The Compliant Types: Things to do to get in touch with the quiet mind
History of Enneagram
Eli Jaxon Bear
Riso and Hudson
Helen Palmer
Self Realization
is made up of patterns of either conditioned or genetic predispositions, which encounter environmental and social circumstances. The personality involves three main bodies of manifestation - physical, emotional, mental. My story, in which I identify myself is made up of my behaviors, my feelings and my thoughts.
by Oriah
"Character is a level deeper than personality. This is where the knot of ego resides. All thoughts, feelings, and behaviors of the personality arise from this core identification. It is at this level that the false sense of "me," which is the root of all unhappiness, can be recognized and transcended."
"The personal entity, which identifies its existence with life in the physical body and calls itself “I,” is the ego.
The physical body, which is inherently inert, has no ego sense.
The Self, which is pure consciousness, has no ego sense. Between these two, there mysteriously arises the ego sense, which is the “I” thought.
This ego, or separate personal identity, is at the root of all suffering in life. Therefore, it is to be destroyed by any means possible.
This is Liberation or Enlightenment or Self-realization."
– Ramana Maharshi
"Soul is consciousness crystallized into a more subtle form. It is the arising of "I" consciousness as an ephemeral body. It is the soul that reincarnates lifetimes after lifetime, searching for fulfillment, happiness and God.
When the soul is not enlightened and is burdened with an egoic identity, it is the storehouse of latent tendencies and unfulfilled desires that take birth in a new body. The soul's identification with the body creates the egoic knot of character fixation."
True character is developed when one is willing to sacrifice personal pleasure or safety for something more important, to stand for what is known to be true in the face of fears and rationalizations of the character fixation.
True character resides at the level of the soul. It is the developed qualities of the soul's essence. True character is developed when one is willing to sacrifice personal pleasure of safety for something more important, to stand for what is known to be true in the face of fears and rationalizations of the character fixation.
True Character
Oscur Ichazo
Claudia Naranjo
G. I. Gerdfieff
"If souls are like sparks flying out into the infinite night, then true Self is not only the sparks, but also the night, the universe, and the field that the universe arises in. (Pure awareness) The cosmic joke is that the soul is made of that which the soul is searching for: "immortal consciousness." Enlightenment is to realize that who you are essentially is the same immortal consciousness. God, soul and universe are realized as One.
"In our time, the Enneagram has appeared as illusory medicine to cure an illusory disease. The disease is the egoic idea of separation. The cure is to look in the wisdom mirror of the Enneagram to see past all false identification to the truth of being."
- Eli Jaxon-Bear
Susan Rhodes
"The Enneagram appears as a wisdom mirror for consciousness to recognize how it has become falsely identified with particular forms. In its subtle depth, the Enneagram reveals patterns of subconscious physical, mental and emotional identification. The core identification is the thought, "I am somebody." Once this thought arises, the ego becomes crystallized in the mind, and consciousness experiences itself as limited."
Jung and
Personality DNA
"The personal entity,
which identifies its existence with life in the
physical body
and calls itself "I," is the ego.
The physical body,
which is inherently inert, has no ego sense.
The Self, which is pure consciousness, has not ego sense.
Between these two, there mysteriously arises
the ego sense,
which is the "I" thought.
This ego, or separate personal identity,
is at the root of all suffering in life.
Therefore, it is to be destroyed by any means possible.
This is liberation or Enlightenment or Self-realization. "
-Ramana Maharshi
Ego vs Essence
Integral Approach
Ego/Essence
Transformation
One
Nine
Two
Six
Three
Eight
Five
Seven
Four
One
Two
Three
One
Two
Three
Subtypes
Self Preservation - The self preservation instinct governs our needs for material supplies and security, including food, shelter, warmth, and family relations.
One to One (Sexual) -The one to one instinct governs our sexuality, our intimate relationships and close friendships, and the vitality of the life force within our bodies.
Social - The social instinct governs our needs for belonging and membership within the larger group and community.
The Enneagram According to Pooh
Enneagram Style One: Rabbit
Enneagram Style Two: Kanga (mother of Roo)
Enneagram Style Three: Gopher
Enneagram Style Four: Eeyore
Enneagram Style Five: Owl
Enneagram Style Six: Piglet (phobic rather than counter-phobic Six)
Enneagram Style Seven: Tigger
Enneagram Style Eight: Gorilla (although a minor character, he is central to certain stories)
Enneagram Nine: Pooh
Type 8’s are natural leaders which means they gravitate towards careers where they can take charge. They want to be able to get things done on their own terms, and care about progressing and being the best at what they do. They aren’t likely to slack off when it comes to the workplace, instead they are always searching for ways to improve themselves and what they do. They want to be valued in their workplace and be seen as someone who is capable. They want their superior to ask their opinion on important matters, caring about being valued at what they do. When their boss actually comes to them for information and ways to solve problems then it makes them feel important. In this type of work environment the type 8 individual will feel fulfilled and like they are actually in the right place. They also care about how they are seen in the eyes of their peers and coworkers, wanting to be more of a leader to them. They want to be able to take charge and actually have opportunities to do so. They are more comfortable in leadership roles, not wanting to feel like they are being controlled by others. They value being the person who is in charge and work best when they have a team they can lead in some ways. For the type 8 individual this is much more rewarding and fulfilling than having to answer to others and do what they are told. Following the rules of someone else can be draining for them, especially when they can see so many ways that things could be done more efficiently. They want their opinions and knowledge to be valued, since they are capable people who will work hard to accomplish any goal they set their mind to. Being able to set career goals is very important for them as well, and so if they feel stuck in their position it is truly draining for them. This is why executive or managerial positions can be really rewarding for them. Things like owning their own business or even being a sales director can also be good choices. So long as they have their own space to get things done on their own terms and take charge, then they will likely be happy in their career.
Freedom - Openness - Expansion
Constriction - Reaction - Obsession
Enneagram and Organizations
Questions For Engaging
Perceptions Conflict & Anger
Perceptions of Leadership
Perception of Interactions
Perception of Communication
Perception of Sales and Selling
Enneagram & Parenting
Type 9 – The Peacemaker
These parents are mostly laid-back with a laissez-faire attitude to life. They are gentle, often creative and warm people with a wry sense of humour. Discipline may be something they would rather avoid, leaving it to the other partner. If they perceive their partner as not helping, they can become stubborn and withdrawn. They can meander in their conversations and be indecisive. They are generally popular and accepting of those around them.
What they give their child: A genuine feeling of being accepted and loved.
Enhancing your type: This desire for peace at all costs may be experienced as avoiding facing any situations or behavior that needs addressing, making the child feel they lack firm grounding or support. Children do need direction, so adopting a firm stance, albeit difficult, is sometimes necessary. Sometimes ‘9’’s can tune-out to the world around them, being aware of this can bring your focus back onto those you love.
Type 1 – The Perfectionist
Do you find yourself getting annoyed when toys aren’t put back in the toy box, a room isn’t tidied or when your child arrives back from school covered in mud? Find yourself getting angry with other parents who don’t seem to have the same disciplinary concerns? Type 1 parents are perfectionists and have a firm belief that there are certain ways things should be done and they expect their children to adhere to these rules/principals.
What you give your child: As a Type 1 parent you give your child firm, secure boundaries with a sense of responsibility. You are both consistent and fair. You also instil a sense of what is right and wrong. “Tell the truth above all else”, my Type 1 mum used to tell me, and it’s stood me in good stead.
Enhancing your type: Sometimes you could look at relaxing a bit and allowing your child to see your fun side (which is there). Whilst tidiness may be necessary, spontaneity and fun play can be more important. Also realize (and this can be hard), that there may be more than one ‘right’ way: – what’s right for you may not be right for another person. Try also to talk to your child and not fall into the habit of preaching.
Type 2 – The Helper
These parents are warm, affectionate and caring. Extra treats in lunch boxes, loving texting sent throughout the day or constant calls, (even when the ‘child’ is 30), baking cakes for the school bring and buy – nothing is too much trouble for the Two parent who just wants to help.
What you give your child: Your child feels loved and nurtured. Your empathy allows them to feel heard (you’re a good listener) and as a result feel valued. You can easily be persuaded to play along with a child’s activity.
Enhancing your type: Sometimes this love, particularly for certain types of children, can feel smothering and your need to remain in constant contact and be protective can feel overbearing. So it may be of value to let the reigns go (age appropriately) so your child can establish independence, while still being there to pick up the pieces should things go pear-shaped.
Type 7 – The Enthusiast
With a type ‘7’ parent, a child is in for an exciting (albeit exhausting) ride. Climbing Kilimanjaro one day and bungee jumping the next. The ‘7’ parent is abuzz with ideas for things to do and are often generous to a fault. They love planning exciting events and keep up a relentless, pace. They are seldom if ever down and bring enthusiasm to all they do and love. Your child may experience that the parent is unavailable much of the time, being caught up in some new adventurous business or pursuit.
What they give their child: They are great story tellers – the H. Rider Haggard’s of the world and will keep kids entranced with their often fantastical tales. The Peter Pan’s of the world they seldom seem to age and as such can often relate well to children. They will encourage and inspire risk-taking as a way to rewards!
Enhancing your type: What ‘7’ parents don’t always understand is that some children enjoy feeling settled in one place and experience the frenetic activity as exhausting. All this activity may make ‘7’ parents less interested in the more mundane aspects of life such as homework supervision, cooking etc. So combine activity with some quieter time to get a better balance between being and doing.
Type 3 – The Achiever
Type 3 parents are optimistic and goal-orientated, so naturally they put much emphasis on success when it comes to raising children. They’ll be shouting at the side of the race track as their five year old storms across the finish line, sending their seven year old to extra tennis, violin and a whole host of other activities, all in the name of wanting their children to succeed in life. Read the book Tiger Mother? Then this is her, wanting achievement (often where she/he feels he may have failed). Type 3’s are hard workers, so chances are time with the kids will be dispersed between meetings.
What you give your child: The belief that with hard work anything is possible. They will also experience a wide range of talent enhancing activities and just as much as you throw yourself into any new task, so too will you give parenting your all. They will experience you as both consistent and dependable. You also demonstrate good organisational skills and deep-rooted responsibility.
Enhancing your type: Some children may enjoy the pressure and achievement. Others will find your energy and schedule exhausting and feel they have failed in some way for not living up to your expectations. Sometimes it could be great for both of you to let go doing and relax into just being.
Type 6 – The Loyalist
As their name suggests 6’s are loyal, dutiful and make compassionate, nurturing parents – able to view things from the child’s as well as their own point of view. They may find it hard to establish firm boundaries with their children. In worrying about possible potential for their children getting hurt they can make it hard for a child to gain independence. “Careful not to go too deep, climb too high, go too far etc.”, is the repeated warning of a worrying ‘6’ parent (even to the point of paranoia). They can at times be real rebels (in the nicest way!)
What they give their child: They are dependable, hard-working and responsible parents. They can be warm and engaging and very funny and are often natural home-makers. In spite of their fears, they can demonstrate huge inspirational courage.
Enhancing your type: Whilst the limits the ‘6’ sets may seem reasonable to them, outgoing, adventurous children might experience their parent’s constant fears as being limiting, giving a child the view that the world (or the people in it) are not to be trusted. Try building a sense of trust within yourself and let go of the need to constantly fear the worst that could happen.
Parenting
Type 4 – The Individualist
This parent will inspire creativity in their kids – music, art, cooking – whatever form of self-expression inspires. At times melancholic, or sentimental, this parent can also be upbeat and fun. They feel and care deeply and are affectionate and insightful, helping their children get in touch with their feelings. They probably don’t enjoy socializing in big groups, so moms and tots mornings may not work for them – they’d prefer doing some one-on-one activity with their child.
What they give their child: A love of all things artistic and the desire to explore creativity. They can be supportive and encourage their child’s uniqueness. They are not afraid of alternative thinking and ways of being in their children and are often good role-models when it comes to being true to oneself.
Enhancing your type: Sometimes their moodiness or even depression may worry a child who may feel somehow responsible, so a reassuring word could be of huge value when you are feeling down. Use your natural intuitive ability to tune into where your child is at.
Type 5 – The Investigator/Thinker
Type 5’s are a much more cerebral type of personality than the feeling 4. “Knowledge is Power,” would be the motto they would seek to instil in their children. Always busy on a project or researching one, they like to feel capable, yet are less inclined to socialize, seeing it for the most part as being a waste of time. But, if a child asks how atoms are formed for instance, the ‘5’ will be patient and happy to answer (probably in quite a lot of detail!) They are kind, but that still doesn’t make them able to cope with a child’s neediness or emotional outbursts. If a child is very emotional, they could experience this parent as being withdrawn.
What they give their child: A broad field of knowledge – from bird-watching, to gaming, celestial study or even an insight into the esoteric, this parent loves passing on information. The Naked Scientist is a good example. Babies are time con-summing, time that a ‘5’ values dearly for researching etc. As a result, they may find themselves communicating better with older children who may share a common interest.
Enhancing your type: Recognize that being authoritarian to a two-year old won’t work, so rather engage with the perceptive kindness that is who you are. Admire your child’s ability to retain data and intellectual prowess (but make sure its age appropriate).
Type Two: The Helper/Carer
Type Three: The Achiever/Motivator
The adaptable, success‐oriented type. Three are self‐assured, attractive, and charming. Ambitious, competent and energetic, they can also be status‐conscious and highly driven for personal advancement. Threes are often concerned about their image and what others think of them.
As Parents: A lot of parents, especially Threes, want their children to have Three‐ like qualities: energy, confidence, drive, and optimism. They think that if the children are cheerleaders, presidents of the class, and professionals theyʹll be successful and happy. But children come with their own personalities and can be successful in many different ways. May demand being outstanding at tasks, fulfilling family hopes, physical perfection, and popularity – that their child be a Little Star.
Unhealthy: They typically have problems with workacholism and competitiveness. Healthy: Threes are self‐accepting, authentic, and everything they seem to be – role models who inspire others.
Unconscious childhood messages: “It’s not okay to have your own feelings and identity”.
Wake-Up Call: Beginning to drive themselves for status and attention.
The principled, idealistic type. Ones are ethical and conscientious, with a strong sense of right and wrong. They are teachers and crusaders, always striving to improve things but afraid of making a mistake. Well‐organized, orderly, and fastidious, they try to maintain high standards but can slip into being critical and perfectionist.
As Parents: Though firmness and structure can help children feel secure, some Type One parents could use more flexibility. A Perfectionist parent may demand self‐ control, reasonableness, regularity, and the ability to delay rewards – that their child be a Little Adult.
Unhealthy: They typically have problems with repressed anger and impatience.
Healthy: Ones are wise, discerning, realistic and noble, as well as morally heroic.
Unconscious childhood messages: “It’s not okay to make mistakes”.
Wake Up Call: Feeling a sense of personal obligation to fix everything themselves.
The caring, interpersonal type, Twos are empathetic, sincere, and warm hearted. They are friendly, generous, and self sacrificing, but they can also be sentimental, flattering and people‐pleasing. They are driven to be close to others, and they often do things for others in order to be needed.
As Parents: Twos usually enjoy their children, like being parents, and encourage their children’s interests. Because they’re so involved, sometimes they do too much for their children instead of allowing the children to make mistakes and learn for themselves. May demand generosity, thoughtfulness, helpfulness, and attention to others – that their child be a Little Helper.
Unhealthy: They typically have problems taking care of themselves and acknowledging their own needs.
Healthy: Twos are unselfish and altruistic and have unconditional love for themselves and others.
Unconscious childhood messages: “It’s not okay to have your own needs”.
Wake Up Call: Believing that they must go out to others to win them over.
Type Six: The Loyalist/Questioner
Type Four: The Individualist/Creative
The intense, cerebral type. Fives are alert, insightful and curious. They are able to concentrate and focus on developing complex ideas and skills. Independent and innovative, they can become preoccupied with their thoughts and imaginary constructs. They become detached, yet high‐strung and intense.
As Parents: It’s sometimes difficult for Fives to disengage from their own projects or thoughts and join in on the child’s frequency. Five Observer parents need to be careful, if their minds are on something else, not to become irritable or too authoritarian with their kids. May demand independence, studiousness, intellectual gifts, and curiosity – that their child be a Little Genius.
Unhealthy: They typically have problems with isolation, eccentricity and nihilism.
Healthy: Fives are visionary pioneers, often ahead of their time and able to see the world in an entirely new way.
Unconscious Child Messages: “It’s not okay to be comfortable in the world”.
Wake-up Call: Withdrawing from reality in concepts and mental worlds
The romantic, introspective type. Fours are self‐aware, sensitive, reserved and quiet. They are self‐revealing, emotionally honest and personal, but they can also be moody and self‐conscious. Withholding themselves from others due to feeling vulnerable and defective, they can also feel disdainful and exempt from ordinary ways of living.
As Parents: While Fours have a lot to give in terms of insight, creativity, and warmth, they also need to support their childrenʹs interests, whatever they are. Fours can emotionally overwhelm children who are not at home in their world of feelings. Most kids wonʹt be as sensitive as they are. May demand sensitivity, artistic creativity, emotional depth, and understanding – that their child be a Little Therapist.
Unhealthy: They typically have problems with self‐indulgence and self‐pity.
Healthy: Fours are inspired and highly creative, able to renew themselves and transform their experiences.
Unconscious childhood messages: “It’s not okay to be too functional or too happy”.
Wake-up Call: Holding on to and intensifying feelings through the imagination.
The committed, security‐oriented type. Sixes are reliable, hardworking and responsible, but they can also be defensive, evasive and highly anxious – running on stress while complaining about it. They are often cautious and indecisive but can also be reactive, defiant and rebellious.
As Parents: Six parents are very loyal, but they may be overprotective. It takes a lot of courage for Six‐parents to let their children out in the world where the dangers are, but kids are safer when they learn to solve their own problems. Six parents need to monitor their tendency to take the devilʹs advocate position, for this can erode childrenʹs confidence. May demand dependability, obedience, perseverance, and trustworthiness – that their child be a Little Trouper.
Unhealthy: They typically have problems with self‐doubt and suspicion.
Healthy: Sixes are internally stable, self-confidence and self-reliant, courageously supporting the weak and powerless.
Unconscious Childhood Messages: “It’s not okay to trust yourself”.
Wake-up Call: Becoming dependent on something outside the self for guidance.
Type Seven: The Adventurer
Type Eight: The Asserter
Type Nine: The Peacemaker
The busy productive type. Sevens are versatile, optimistic and spontaneous. Playful, high spirited and practical, they can also be overextended, scattered and undisciplined. They constantly seek new and exciting experiences, but they can become distracted and exhausted by staying on the go.
As Parents: Sevens like having playful children. But if the children are very serious, worried, or aggressive, Seven‐parents have to make big adjustments. May demand vitality, good humor, resilience, and spontaneity – that their child be a Little Entertainer.
Unhealthy: They typically have problems with superficiality and impulsiveness.
Healthy: Sevens focus their talents on worthwhile goals, becoming joyous, highly accomplished and full of gratitude.
Unconscious Childhood Messages” “It’s not okay to depend on anyone for anything”.
Wake-up Call: Feeling that something better is available somewhere else.
The easygoing, self‐effacing type. Nines are accepting, trusting and stable. They are good natured, kindhearted, easygoing and supportive but can also be too willing to go along with others to keep the peace. They want everything to be without conflict but can tend to be complacent and minimize anything upsetting.
As Parents: Many Nines have a knack for being able to perceive and enter the world of a child. They can provide enormous warmth and understanding. Nine‐parents may need to work on following through with their children and being able to say no. Rather than always negotiating, they need to take a definite stand and uphold a position of authority. May demand quietness, lack of demands, gentleness, and non-neediness – that their child be a Little Angel.
Unhealthy: They typically have problems with passivity and stubbornness.
Healthy: Nines are indomitable and all-embracing; they are able to bring people together and heal conflicts.
Unconscious Childhood Messages: “It’s not okay to assert yourself”.
Wake-up Call: Outwardly accommodating themselves to others.
These three forces are similar to the Hornevian Groups (Assertive, Compliant and Withdrawn respectively), but they are used here in a different context, to describe inborn traits and parental styles rather than established personality.
Here are the associated traits for each basic orientation:
Active: demanding, assertive, bossy, outspoken, intimidating, egocentric, expressive, willful.
Responsive: supportive, responsive, engaging, affectionate, friendly, sympathetic, cooperative.
Neutral: avoidant, withdrawn, indifferent, apathetic, absent, reserved, ignoring, neglectful.
Active child vs. Responsive parent
This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 7
The demands and concerns of the Active child are usually received with benevolence and a supportive, encouraging attitude. This creates a tolerant environment in which the child can express himself openly and receive attention without much effort from his part. The Active child becomes self-confident, carefree and expects his interactions to be positive and favorable to his needs. The Responsive parent is sympathetic and loving, thus stimulating the child's playful, self-expressive side and giving him a good deal of personal freedom.
This childhood scenario promotes a cheerful, optimistic type who knows how to charm and manipulate others into easily getting his way. Entertaining and expressive, such a child may later expect instant gratification for all his needs and desires and avoid investing time and effort into long-term goals.
Active child vs. Neutral parent
This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 4
In this relationship, the child usually tries to grab the attention of an indifferent or absent parent, by expressing himself with increasing intensity, until a response is achieved. The Active child may act in a dramatic, exaggerated manner, attempting to get his message across to the unconcerned caretaker. The Neutral caretaker will typically ignore the child's emotional needs, making the youngster feel frustrated, misunderstood and possibly abandoned. Sometimes the child turns these negative feelings inwardly, believing that they are unlovable and not special enough to deserve attention.
This scenario teaches the Active children that they are different than other children that seem to be getting the support they lack. They want to make themselves heard so they amplify their feelings, resorting to dramatic expressions of their emotions. These children may later become overly sensitive, artistic and theatrical, but also melancholic, self-loathing and depressive.
Responsive child vs. Active parent
This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 1
This interaction is generally centered around the parent's agenda, to which the child will subscribe in order to receive the desired approval. The Active parent will be demanding, dominating and will criticize any perceived "bad" behavior. The Responsive child, on the other hand, is unusually sensitive to criticism so he will try to adjust and adhere to the parent's values and perspectives, by being obedient, well-behaved and an altogether "good kid". This attitude will help him build the desired rapport with the fastidious main caretaker.
With time, the child will learn to put aside his real needs and wishes in order to do the right thing, to be correct and morally ethical. These types will prefer to have a clear set of standards and rules to adhere to and will only feel worthy and lovable when they live a righteous life, in accordance with their upstanding principles. Their parents taught them that acceptance comes only through obedience and discipline.
Responsive child vs. Responsive parent
This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 6
This child will usually establish a very close relationship with his caretaker and will tend to become dependent on the nurturing, affectionate figure that offers him support and understanding. A strong desire for harmonious relationships is created and the Responsive child will reject and feel threatened by conflicts and lack of stability. Such types will seek playmates and groups that share their values and interests and will take an 'us against the world' stance, typically towards unfamiliar people and circumstances.
These Responsive children will prefer to play by the rules in order to keep themselves safe from any disharmony that will endanger their comforting, supportive relationships. They will be playful, endearing and loyal to their chosen groups and intimates, while at the same time remaining alert and vigilant to avoid any conflicts and hidden threats. Suspicion of other people's motives can arise as a protection from abandonment and rejection - they are in fact very afraid of losing their safe, nurturing grounds.
Responsive child vs. Neutral parent
This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 2
In this case, the Responsive child will act in a pleasing, appealing matter but will most likely encounter an indifferent attitude on the part of the Neutral parent. Confronted with this apathy and lack of interest, the child can only resort to becoming even more pleasing and irresistible to the parent, until he manages to break through the shell of indifference and obtain the desired rapport. Such types will be helpful, empathetic, lovable and attractive and will have a knack for getting on the same wavelength with their parents - they know when and how to approach them in order to obtain their attention.
Growing up, the Responsive children will learn to intuitively sense and assess other people's moods and will know exactly how to fulfill their needs in order to be appreciated and loved by them. They have a wide repertoire of seductive behaviors and know exactly which approach to use in order to successfully engage others into a close relationship.
Neutral child vs. Active parent
This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 9
The Neutral child is often overwhelmed and frightened by the controlling, domineering Active parent. Lacking self-assertion skills, he prefers to withdraw and stay out of the way, minimizing his own needs and avoiding the parent as much as possible. On the few occasions the child reaches out to the caretaker, he ends up feeling rejected and bullied around for no apparent reason, which causes him to withdraw again. The loneliness, however, also feels like rejection and soon enough the youngster will be ambivalent towards both being alone and being with others.
Most of the time, a compromise will be made. This type will seek out company but will not invest themselves in it, preferring to keep in the background and go with the flow, partly removed from their actual situation. When alone, they will avoid introspection, which will bring about old feelings of depression and rejection, instead they'd rather numb themselves out with food, TV or other unimportant routines to avoid emotional pain.
Neutral child vs. Responsive parent
This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 5
In this relationship, the Responsive parent is inclined to give a lot of unrequested attention to the Neutral child, who perceives his parent's supportive and affectionate attitude as a form of smothering. The youngster will tend to withdraw from his environment, preferring solitary activities and contemplation, but as opposed to the previous scenario (of type 9), loneliness will not be accompanied by a feeling of rejection. At the contrary, being alone is a matter of choice and it gives a feeling of security and well-being, knowing that there is always someone to communicate with when they decide to seek out company.
Such children are genuine loners, who prefer and enjoy their solitude. They are introspective, insightful and love learning and discovering things on their own, usually rejecting any help or intervention from the outside. They are afraid of being intruded upon because their parents used to make a fuss over them and suffocate them with attention and demands for closeness.
Neutral child vs. Neutral parent
This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 3
This Neutral child's solitude is encouraged by his parent's own withdrawal and indifference, which doesn’t necessarily make the Neutral child feel openly rejected, but rather intrigues and challenges him. Serious, focused and rather unemotional, this youngster will most likely try to fulfill his occasional need for attention by impressing his parents with outstanding accomplishments and high aspirations, which make him feel worthy and valuable in their eyes.
Later in life, these children become motivated achievers who put great emphasis on results, performance, efficiency and a successful image that will make others appreciate and admire them. Deep inside they dislike being ignored because it makes them doubt their own value, therefore they tend to hide their weaknesses and flaws and project a desirable, attractive, "I-have-it-all" persona.
The powerful dominating type. Eights are self-confident, strong and assertive. Protective, resourceful and decisive, they can also be proud and domineering. Eights feel that they must control their environment, often becoming confrontational and intimidating.
As Parents: Eight parents are protective and can be good role models for taking action and having confidence. They need to be aware that anger can devastate children, and they need to try not to impose their will on them. Eights can have a difficult time adjusting to their children and perceiving how they are different from themselves. It is helpful to look for qualities in their children they may not be used to thinking of as strengths, such as the ability to back down or to show vulnerability. May demand toughness, self‐sufficiency, courage, and willpower – that their child be a Little Entrepreneur.
Unhealthy: They typically have problems with allowing themselves to be close to others.
Healthy: Eights are self mastering – they use their strength to improve others’ lives, becoming heroic, magnanimous, and sometimes historically great.
Unconscious Childhood Message: “It’s not okay to be vulnerable or to trust anyone”.
Wake-up Call: Feeling that they must push and struggle for make things happen.
Active child vs. Active parent
This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 8.
The child and parent experience open conflicts on a regular basis. They both have different agendas and oppose each other, thus giving rise to power struggles and explosive arguments. The Active parent is impatient and intolerant of the child's rebellious nature and tries to impose his will in an authoritarian fashion. The Active child, on the other hand, becomes aggressive, argumentative and persistent in getting his own way. The relationship becomes a sort of battlefield, which is how the child will later perceive the world around him (type 8).
Such a childhood scenario encourages the child to develop a keen eye for spotting other people's weaknesses and a thirst for imposing their will in an overly aggressive fashion. They learn to be assertive, strong and deny their fears and feelings of intimidation. These are the traits they needed to have in order to stand up to their domineering parents and still keep their own Active inborn approach.