The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work

The Super Secret Key to Relationships . . .

FRIENDSHIP!!!!

Neurosis or personality

problems ruin marriages

Common interests keep

you together...

You scratch my back and...

Affairs are the root

cause of divorce

Men are not biologically

"built" for marriage

The First Sign: Harsh Start-up

The Second Sign: The Four Horsemen

The Third Sign: Flooding

The Forth Sign: Body Language

The Fifth Sign: Failed Repair Attempts

The Sixth Sign: Bad Memories

Enhance your love maps

Nurture Your Fondness

and Admiration

Turn Toward Each

Other Instead of Away

Let Your Partner Influence You

Solve Your Solvable Problems

This is what happens when

you let issues build up...

Overcome Gridlock

Create Shared Meaning

Women however should still let their men influence them...

The majority of data what even in unstable marriages women are already allowing influence of their men.

The wives of men who accept their influence are fall less likely to be harsh with their husbands when broaching a difficult marital topic. This increases the odds that their marriage will thrive.

In Gottman's long term study of 130 newlyweds, shows that men who allow their wives to influence them have happier marriages and less likely to divorce than men who resist influence. When a man is not willing to share power there is an 81% chance that his marriage will self-destruct.

Using one of the 4 horseman to escalate a conflict is a tell-tale sign that a man is resisting his wives influence.

But...When a wife uses the 4 horseman in the same manner the marriage does not become more unstable.

Principle

Myth

Religion dictates that men should be in control of their marriages.

A Leopard Never Changes Its Spots

4

Perceptual Problems

Problems that are always present in a relationship

What are some perceptual problems you have in your relationships?

Principle

69% of marital problems are perceptual

Keys

Techniques

Soft Start-ups

Effective repair attempts

Being aware of Flooding

Compromising

Tolerating partners imperfections

1. Complain, don't blame

2. Use "I" not "You"

3. Be Clear

4. Be Polite

5. Be Appreciative

6. Don't store up and explode!!!

Solvable Problems

situational problems are less intense than perpetual problems by nature, but if not addressed can become perpetual.

Connecting with each other on the smallest level.

Turning towards each other is the basis for romance, passion, and a good sex life.

Examples

Principle

Elise wants to spend less time with Joel and more time with her friends. Joel says this makes him feel abandoned. Elise says that she needs time away from him. He seems very needy to her, and she feels suffocated by him.

Helena gets together with her firends every Monday night. Johnathan wants her to take a ball room dancing class together with him. The only night the class is held is Monday. Helena doesn't want to give up girls night out.

5

6 Common Areas of Conflict

1. Work Stress

2. In-Laws

3. Sex

4. House work

5. Becoming Parents

6. Money

Gottman seeks to answer these questions...

Gridlock

3

Gridlock is reached when a couple cannot agree or agree to disagree on perceptual or solvable problems.

Why are relationships so tough at times?

Men are not "built"

for marriage

Avoiding conflict will ruin

your marriage

Affairs are the root

cause of divorce

Neurosis or personality

problems ruin marriages

Common interests

keep you together

You scratch my

back and I'll...

Why do some lifelong relationships click, while others tick away like a time bomb?

How can you prevent a partnership from going bad or rescue one that already has?

Gottman and his team are now following 700 couples in different studies. His team studies newlyweds, long term couples, couples just becoming parents, couples interacting with their babies, preschoolers, and teenagers.

Principle

Dreams within

the Conflict:

His: to feel free to explore and meet new people at social events

Hers: To be the center of his attention

The key to overcoming gridlock isn't solving the problem, it's moving from gridlock to dialogue.

Nonnegotiable Areas:

His: Must have freedom to be himself and meet new people

Hers: Cannot allow husband to dance with other women or touch them even in a

friendly way

Example for

overcoming gridlock

Perceived Problem:

He enjoys flirting with other women at parties, she wants him to stay with her.

How to overcome the gridlock...

1. Become a dream detective

2. Work on a gridlocked

marital issue

3. Soothe each other

4. End the gridlock

5. Say THANK YOU!!!

Areas of Flexibility:

His: He doesn't have to be separate from his wife at parties

Hers: She can tolerate him talking with other women for a little while

Principle

Ongoing Conflict:

He will always want to socialize and she will always wish he would pay attention just to her

Temporary Compromise:

They will stay together at parties for half the time allowing them both to mingle with new people. He will not dance with or touch other women and if she gets upset by his behavior he'll stop

Acknowledging and respecting each other's most personal hopes and dreams is the key to saving and enriching your marriage.

6

The Seven Principles For Making Relationships Work

The Seattle Love Lab

How the love lab works

John M. Gottman Ph.D

How do you view

your history?

Positive vs Negative

2

Let's Meet Dr. Rory

Divorce Stats

Chance of a first marriage ending in divorce over a 40 year period...is 67%

Half of all divorces will occur in the first 7 years.

Children

Second marriage is as much as 10% higher than first timers.

"A peaceful divorce is better than a

war-like marriage"

Who suffers most in a bad marriage?

Marriage Stats

Happily married couples have a lower rate of such maladies and also tend to be more health conscious than others.

People who stay married live 4 years longer than people who don't.

A good marriage can also help your immune system.

Principle

Create or continue family rituals from your childhood in your marriage

How Dr. Gottman Predicts Divorce

Gottman claims he can predict

divorce on average 91% of the time...

He even states that this can

be done in as little as 5 minutes.

Myths About Marriage

What Causes A Partner to be Chronically Critical?

Emotionally unresponsive partner

Self-Criticism is usually connected to self doubt that has developed over the course of ones life, stemming from childhood

Horseman 1: Criticism

Horseman 2: Contempt

Complaint vs Criticism

Conveys disgust

Sarcasm

Cynicism are types of contempt.

Complaint focuses on a specific behavior

Fueled by long simmering negative thoughts

Criticism attacks a partners character or personality

Contempt can lead to

physical illness

Share your personal goals with your partner

Horseman 4: Stonewalling

Horseman 3: Defensiveness

Most likely to be the husband, but less likely in newlyweds.

A way of blaming your partner

Tends to look down or away without speaking, sits like an impassive stone wall.

The problem isn't me

it's you...escalates conflict

Appears disengaged from conversation

Shared Symbols

Principle

7

Evidence that the 7 Principles work.

Couples who attend Gottman's workshops have a

relapse rate about half the rate of standard marital therapy.

The relapse rate of Gottman's workshop is 20% whereas the nationwide relapse rate is 30-50%

What really makes marriage work?

The Marital Poop Detector

1

What is a love map?

A love map is a depth of knowledge

that you have about your partner.

This is about more than knowing their

birthday or their favorite ice cream...

These questions are some examples

to gauge your love map with your partner

True or False?

1. I can tell you about my partners basic philosophy in life.

2. I can tell you what stresses my partner is currently experiencing.

3. I am very familiar with my partners religious beliefs.

4. I can tell you some of my partners life dreams.

5. I can tell you in detail about my first impressions of my partner.

The Magic

5 Hours

Who am I?

Almost as important as understanding your partner is understanding yourself

1. Partings: Make sure before you say bye, you know one thing that will be going on in their day

2. Reunions: Engage in stress reducing conversation at the end of the work day

3. Admiration & Appreciation: communicate genuinely everyday

4. Affection: Kiss, hold, grab, and touch during time together, Always kiss goodnight

Our Critique