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Bullying from Two Perspectives

Counselor Coffee Chat

Jennifer Vandenbrook

on 13 January 2014

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Transcript of Bullying from Two Perspectives

Counselor Coffee Chat
Think of three new specific things you want to do to make a positive difference for your child?

“Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles one has overcome
while trying to succeed.”
~ By Booker T. Washington

What is something different you learned today about Bullying?

What to do to help when your daughter is a bystander?

Help your child eliminate excuses for not getting involved
Review different ways to help:
Refuse to join in on the hurtful behavior
Change the subject
Tell the person doing the bullying to stop
Be a friend to the target/victim
Tell an adult
Compliment your child when she has helped a friend in a difficult situation
Be a positive role model

What to do to help when your daughter is using bully behavior?

Intervene immediately with discipline ~ to respectfully provide learning through consequences
Create opportunities to “do good” and compliment
Nurture empathy
Be a positive role model
Engage in more constructive, entertaining, and energizing activities

Why Focus on the issue of girl bullying?

How do we make a positive impact to prevent girl bullying?

Help our children develop a strong sense of self
Empathy building
Good moral values
Friendship skills
Good communication skills
Good character building ~ respectful, responsible, honest, cooperative, good citizen, and self-disciplined

Queen Bees and Wannabees

Queen: has the power of the group
Sidekick: always supports the queen (allows self to be controlled and manipulated to fit in)
Wannabee: wants to be like the leader and will go to great lengths to get the approval
Gossiper: gains her power by seeking information from others to improve her position
Floater: moves in and out of groups (shows respect and doesn’t exclude other girls)
Direct Bully: uses physical violence or threats
Target: person receiving the hurtful, mean behaviors
Bystander: “caught in the middle” fear… not wanting to choose sides


A – Act as a role model for your daughter by expressing your anger without hurting others

R – Reach out to others by getting to know your daughter’s friends

T – Talk and listen to what your daughter is, or isn’t telling you

Girls are typically social beings ~ with their identity gained within social groups

Relational Aggression is:
Aggressive, hurtful behaviors from within social relationships or friendship groups

The main form of bullying used by girls

Understanding the Girls’ world

Report the bullying or threats to the nearest teacher or adult at school as soon as possible!

the bullying

the bullying

Is it fair?
How does it feel?
Does it keep happening?


Bullying in the Boys’ World

In contrast to girls, boys of any age and ethnic group tend to be physically aggressive (e.g., hit, kick, slap, push, or punch)

Also boys may be more accepting of bullying, than are girls.
At the core of these differences are children’s and, indeed, societal beliefs about acceptable behaviors for boys and girls. Many people may see bullying among boys as “just boys being boys”.

So, girls may accept this attitude and tolerate boys’ bullying. However, girls may be less accepting of girls who bully if it is seen as overly aggressive.



Be a good listener
Let your child know that she is not alone in this
Let her know that it is not her fault
Compliment her on her ability to share this problem and compliment her strengths ~ empower her
Guide her through the problem-solving process
Role-play ways to handle the situation ~ be assertive!
Involve your child in activities outside of school
Be a positive role model

What to do to help when your daughter is the target or victim?

Adapted from the reading guide provided by the Author at http://www.rosalindwiseman.com/html/books_questions_wannabes.htm

Queen Bees and Wannabees Discussion Points

What were conflicts you experienced with friends when you were growing up?
How do you think those experiences influence the way you parent your daughter?
What group, if any, were you in?
Did you ever have a friend make you feel bad by saying “I’m just joking” to dismiss whatever mean thing they just said? How did you handle it? How have you seen this phrase used in your adult life?
What are the positive attributes of the different roles girls can play?

She hangs around by you but doesn’t share anything.
She reports not feeling well and wants to stay home.
She asks to go on an errand with you.
She asks to watch TV with you.
She weaves a possible problem into a conversation.
She tries to get you alone.

Look for Signs of Distress

Discussion Points:

motivated by underlying fear and insecurity.

An awareness of the hidden causes of girl bullying

Gaining an understanding that these are behaviors we don’t have to accept

Sharing support and skill building for dealing with and/or reducing girl bullying behavior.

What is relational aggression?


Music Video

Introduce yourself ~ share the age of your child
What would you like to gain from this coffee chat?

Is it safe for me to speak out assertively?
Say, “STOP!”
Encourage other bystanders to speak out

to be bullied or let others be bullied


Empowered Bystanders

Adapted from http://www.mltei.org/cqn/Adolescent%20Development/Resources/Gender,%20Race,%20Ethnicity%20&%20SES/Wiseman,%20Queen%20bees%20and%20wannabes-Summary.pdf

Thoughts from Girls

Adapted from the reading guide provided by the Author at http://www.rosalindwiseman.com/html/books_questions_wannabes.htm

Queen Bees and Wannabees Discussion Points

How does your daughter express her anger?
Does your daughter have a hard time letting go of grudges? How do you think you can help her do that more easily?
How much does the internet, cell phones and other forms of technology play a part in the way girls’ in your community have conflicts with each other?
How do you feel about technology? Does it make you anxious or excited? How do you help your daughter navigate her world when it’s defined by so many different methods of communication than what you grew up with?

Bullying from Two Perspectives:
Bullying in the Girls’ World
and in the Boys’ World

Presented by Jennifer Vandenbrook, M.Ed., LPC


The Three R’s of
Responding to Bullying

What Does Bullying
Look Like?

Physical bullying means:
Hitting, kicking, or pushing someone...or even just threatening to do it
Stealing, hiding or ruining someone's things
Making someone do things he or she don't want to do

Verbal bullying means:
Spreading lies or rumors about someone

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