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Navigating the Depths of Conflict Resolution

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Michelle Wolf

on 15 February 2013

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Transcript of Navigating the Depths of Conflict Resolution

Michelle Wolf, MA, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor Navigating the Depths of Conflict Resolution Become aware of your child's emotion

Recognize the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching

Listen empathetically, validating the child's feelings

Help the child find words to label the emotion they are having

Set limits while exploring strategies to solve the problem at hand:
establish clear expectations, emphasize responsibility, offer choices, collaborate on solutions 5 Steps for Emotion Coaching How Marital Conflict and Divorce Can Harm Children How Conflict Can Harm Children + Children raised by Parent's in a conflicted relationship are more likely to show antisocial behavior and aggression towards their playmates
+ Have more difficulty regulating their emotions, focusing their attention, and soothing themselves when they're upset
+Increased number of health problems, such as coughs and colds
+More Chronic Stress Protecting Your Child From the Negative Effects of Conflict +Practice Emotion Coaching

+Manage Your Marital Conflict The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse -Criticism means making negative remarks about your partner's personality, usually in a way that assigns blame
-Big difference between complaints and criticism
-Complaints are aimed at specific behavior
-Criticism attacks a person's character Horseman #1: CRITICISM The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.... Horseman #2: CONTEMPT -Contempt is much like criticism , but taken a step further.
-a spouse who has contempt for his or he partner actually intends to insult or psychologically wound that person
-feeling disgusted or fed up with you spouse
-fill your mind with demeaning thoughts of your spouse The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse... Horseman #3: DEFENSIVENESS - Defensiveness brings about the problem of spouses not listening to each other.
-They react by denying responsibility
-They make excuses for their problems -This happens when one spouse shuts down because a conversation has become too intense
-They offer no response to what the other partner says, they don't listen or respond Managing Your Marital Conflict + Don't use your children as weapons in your Marital Conflict
+Don't allow your children to get in the middle
+Let your children know when conflicts are resolved
+ Establish networks of emotional support for your children
+Stay engaged in the details of your children's everyday lives
+Use emotion coaching to talk about marital conflicts

"Such failure can prevent the development of emotional connections or cause existing connections to deteriorate." “Most of all, love each other as if your life depended on it. Love makes up for practically anything.” 1 Peter 4:8 Too much time has been focused on resolving rather than on preventing problems http://www.michellewolflpc.com "But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus." Ephesians 2:4-8 Foundation is in Love and Connectedness Grace and
Unconditional Love Learning Objectives -Exposure to research-based strategies
-Gain understanding of Emotional Coaching
-Understand how to prevent parent/child conflict
-Focus on preventing and handling marital conflict Soften Your Startup Suggestions to ensure a soft startup:
complain but don’t blame
make statements that start with “I” instead of “You”
describe what is happening, don’t evaluate or judge
be clear
be polite
be appreciative
don’t store things up Repair Attempts "I feel blamed. Can you rephrase that?"
"That hurt my feelings."
"I feel defensive."
"I need things to be calmer right now."
"Let's compromise here."
"I feel overwhelmed. I need to take a break."
"Let's agree that it is alright to see things in different ways." The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.... Horseman #4: STONEWALLING 1. Enhance Your Love Maps Part of the brain where you store all the relevant info about a partner's life.
Know each others goals in life, each others worries and hopes
If you have this you are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict
“The best gift you can give a partner is the joy that comes from feeling known and understood”

Ask yourself: Do I know the name of my partner’s best friend? Is he/she familiar with my current stresses?

Getting to know your partner better is a life long process and love maps are the first step 2. Nurture Your Fondness & Admiration
Two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance as well as antidotes for contempt. This helps couples from being trounced by the four horsemen.
Sometimes focusing on the past can often detect embers of positive feelings when your relationship is in a state of conflict.
94% of couples who put a positive spin on their marriages history are likely to have a happy marriage as well. 3. Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away Couples Emotional Bank Account ~ if you turn towards one another you are “putting money in the bank”
Pay attention to the little moments, they mean a lot in the end. Remember your partner knows you better than anyone and they are on your side, so talk to them. It’s a foundation for a long lasting relationship
When you honor and respect each other, you’re usually able to appreciate each other’s point of view, even if you don’t agree with it. 4. Let Your Partner Influence You Studies have shown that marriages where the husband resists sharing power are 4 times more likely to end or drone on unhappily than marriages where the husband doesn’t resist.
The better able you are to listen to what your spouse has to say and to consider their perspective respectfully, the more likely it is that you’ll be able to come up with a solution or approach to a problem that satisfies you both
When you accept your partner's influence there will be an absence of frequent power struggles as it shows you are open to learning from your partner 5. Solve Your Solvable Problems Soften your Startup
Avoid the Four Horsemen
Learn to make and receive repair attempts
Soothe yourself and each other
Be tolerant of each other's faults 6. Overcome Gridlock You have dreams for your life that aren’t being addressed or respected by each other
Goal: move from gridlock to dialogue.
Keep working on your unresolvable conflicts, don't give up!
Acknowledging and respecting each other’s deepest, most personal hopes and dreams is the key to saving and enriching your marriage 7. Create Shared Meaning Create an atmosphere that encourages each person to talk honestly about his/her convictions
Embrace family rituals- creating informal rituals when you connect emotionally is critical in a marriage.
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