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When Love is a Problem
Transcript of When Love is a Problem
Love is a many splendored thing.
It’s the April rose that only grows
In the early Spring.
Love is nature’s way of giving
A reason to be living
The golden crown that makes a man a king.
lyrics: Paul Francis Webster
music: Sammy Fain
Love in action is a harsh and dreadful thing compared with love in dreams.
Imagine – imagine being so deeply in love that it is painful.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
If you haven't contemplated murder, you ain't been in love.
If you haven't seriously thought about killing a mother-fucker, you ain't been in love.
If you haven't had a can of rat poison in your hand and looked at it for 45 minutes straight, you ain't been in love.
If you haven't bought a shovel and a bag and a rug to roll their ass up in, you ain't been in love.
If you haven't practiced your alibi in front of the mirror, you ain't been in love.
You love her, but she loves him, and he loves somebody else. You just can't win. And so it goes until the day you die. This thing they call love, it's gonna make you cry.
I've had the blues the reds and the pinks.
One things for sure: love stinks. Love stinks. Yeah, yeah
"Love Stinks" by the J. Geils Band
written by Peter Wolf and Seth Justman
Why is Love Different?
Powerful Cultural Ideas
Different Preferred Relationship to the Problem
When, where , and with whom is love appropriate?
How much of a priority should love or relationships be?
Generally people desire more distance from a problem.
Love is an experience that many people value and want to keep close.
Loved-one Dies or "Dumps You"
Say good bye and move on after appropriate mourning.
Loved-one Does Not Love You
"Can't we just be friends?"
Move on. Stop torturing yourself. There are many fish in the sea. Time heals all wounds.
Loved-one Loves You, But There Is Another Problem
One or both is/are married to someone else
Religious, cultural or ethical difficulties
Geographical or other logistical problems
Disability or illness
Someone Loves You, But You Do Not Love Them
If this is a client you must stop seeing them.
Questions For Discussion
If you have experienced love as a problem
What did anyone do or say that you found helpful?
If so, what?
Have you learned anything from this exercise?
If so, what?
Have you learned anything about yourself or your values through this experience?
What have you lost?
If it has, what have you gained through this change?
Has the experience changed your preferred relationship with love?
How did these steps help?
What steps did you take to make it less of a problem?
What would you like us to understand now?
What would you have liked people to understand about you or your situation?
How might this have been helpful?
Is there anything you would have wanted someone to do or say?
How was it unhelpful to you?
What did anyone do or say that you found unhelpful?
How was it helpful to you?
Working With Love As A Problem
Work to become aware of your own views and values concerning love and relationships
What is "fine (whatever makes you happy)" in theory can still invite strong reactions in person.
Get curious from a place of respect and acceptance
curious about the client's experience(s) of love
curious about the client's experience(s) of being loved
What is it about this person that invites the client's love?
Gid'on Mordecai Friedman
Take a moment and think of some things you are curious about.
Create some questions.