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Poem of the Year

Showcasing the Winners

Kent Reeder

on 1 May 2010

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Transcript of Poem of the Year

POTY 2010 Most Offensive Most Gruesome Most Likely to be Published Best Poem about Animals Best Clever Poem Best Haiku Best Poem Ripping on Someone Else Best Earth-Shattering Twist Worst of all the Poems We begin with a tie. Hush

Resorbtion More Like Gaylight if You Ask Me A Fissure in the Fabric Egg nog chug-a-lug
Fitting de Battle in Hebrew New Ulm A.D. 2009 Korthal's Class Snow
When fall the flakes of flow’ry white
They mat the earth below.
Against the need to work I fight
And trundle through the snow.

I revel in the peace and calm
And beauty so serene,
Preferring pine to tropic palm,
To beach, snowy ravine.

Bedecked in wool and thermal wear
The footprints left are deep.
I fear only a drowsy bear
To waken from his sleep.

Completely unaware am I
Of threats almost as dire.
The very things my fancies fly
Would like me to expire.

Great danger with each soft white flake
Descends to earth below.
For battle they their stations take
To deal on men their blow.

In rank and file they congregate
Assembleing en mass.
They bide their time and hesitate
To kick your lily ass.

For as I walk beneath a branch
Of my belovéd pines
I look upward, my comforts blanch
As it my joy maligns.

Under the weight of heavy snow
The limb cracked off the tree,
And like a tipsy domino
I crumble to one knee.

And suddenly aware I am
Of winter’s crafty scheme.
But equally a newborn lamb
In pain could make me scream.

Thinking that this strike was slight -
A nuisance nonetheless.
If this is all of winter’s might
It does not me impress.

My head wound gushes crimson red,
Which to the snow descends,
Awaking Nazi soldiers dead
To eat me and my friends.
Awaking Nazi soldiers dead
To eat me and my friends. When I was a Junior,
A Junior at the sem,
I took many classes,
And I learned in them,
And one of the classes
Whence I knowledge earned
Was Professor Korthals'.
Here is what I learned.

How to custom Google search!
How to plant a sapling birch!
How to Grooveshark!
Dirty talk!
And how to touch a man!

How to tell when she is pissed :{
What you're missing if you missed
Super bowl
Commercials and
Joe Biden's master plan!

How to contact local moms!
How to make a home-made bomb!
Those are not
Though it may be worth a try!
How they're going to convict
Michael Jackson's doctor's dick!
Top 5 movies
Ever made
In 1995!!!

How to make a creme brulee!
How to tell if he is gay!
How to view my
Family tree
For $14.95!

Where the pope is headed next!
How to bully with a text!
What to use if
Zombies come
To try to stay alive!
So, much thanks to Korthals,
Here's what you will get
From my wealth of knowledge
Of the internet
When you see an adver-
Tisement lurking there
Never click on "Come my lord."
The hot girl isn't there.
God’s plan has been spoken,
Let it not be broken,
He wants all the creatures to know
That when they see man
They should run, if they can,
And not stop to look back as they go.
The beasts can recline
In the forest – that’s fine,
As long as they realize their place.
If a person is coming
They better start running
And think about hiding their face.

When the creatures ignore
This Old Testament lore
It is done to their own condemnation
For God then unleashes
From his human species
An agent of sheer devastation.
God freely giveth
This angel of death
The permission to slaughter and kill –
To wade in a flood
Of hot animal blood
Until every offender lies still.

But the beasts lost this knowledge,
Up dere, atdacollege,
The creatures grew cocky and bold!
Not heeding the warning,
The squirrels each morning
Refused to do as they were told.
Instead, they liked playing
Where people were staying
And scaring them out of their wits!
They did not comprehend
That their reign would soon end -
God’s anger would tear them to bits.

For the Lord once again
Raised up his iron men
And he loosed them, the squirrels to clobber
To pour out hot lead
‘Till the squirrels were dead
And to stomp their soft heads into slobber.
God might have relented,
Had the squirrels repented,
But the tree-rats refused to back down
So the men were released
For a bloody flesh-feast
And a massive tree-rodent smackdown.

There was never so fine
As the class of ‘09
Cold–blooded, ruthless, and hard
Chasing squirrels with ease
Shaking them from the trees,
And hurling footwear ‘cross the yard.
Many times did they rend
Scrawny rats in the end
And a geyser of blood, with a spurt–
Would spray out from the junk
Of that bastard chipmunk
The avengers had held down and hurt.

Squirrels fled, all around
Others lay on the ground
Disfigured, dismembered and slain.
These trophies were skinned
In the cold, bitter wind
And their bodies left out in the rain.
The campus ran red
Till the squirrels were dead
And the survivors took away this moral:
There is a time of grace
For the whole human race
But not for a disobedient squirrel. “And the fear of you and the dread of you shall be upon every beast of the earth, and upon every fowl of the air, upon all that moveth upon the earth, and upon all the fishes of the sea; into your hand are they delivered.” (Genesis 9:2) Eggnog chug-a-lug Didn't realize it spoiled Reverse chug-a-lug. Ol' man gawn sing
Ol' man gawn sing
He gawn done yam dem word for not'ting
He yam dem first tings fo hea'ring
but no man dere can hear him
Old man gawn sing
He sing 'bout dose things fo testing
all man done get heart arre'sting
can't tink of a ting he's rammblin
Ol' man gawn sing
he look an a jumbie man wid zombie pawer
he grab all my libing an me memry azwell
Bigup, hooray forsho we dead
Ol' man gawn sing

-idiomatic translation

Westendorf Is saying something
Westendorf Is saying something
The things he's been teaching have fallen to deaf ears
He's been teaching Genesis for us to learn
No one is learning
Westendorf Is saying something
He is saying that he will test us in the thing he's been teaching
Everyone is having a heart attack
We can't remember anything he has been saying
Westendorf Is saying something
he looks like a Jumbieman(boogieman) with zombie like power
he steals life out of me and my memory also
give me a pound,* rejoice in our cluelessness
Westendorf Is saying something by Jon "Strap him down and caress him" Kehl by Lucas "Wuvas" Bitter by Kent "what the heck is a section b guy doing winning this category" Reeder by Peter "Metzstache" Scott Alexander Metzger by Lucas "all my poetry comes from experience" Bitter i have in me the strength of one
but also half one more
a little more than father's son
a twin did i resorb

his teeth are in my elbow
assisting me to fight
a rapist, bully or crack whoe
assailing me at night

another finger and a thumb
a blessing sure must be
if not for being cold and numb
and hanging from my knee

out of my waist there grows a cist
protruding at an angle
my lady friend cannot resist
my bro's enormous dangle

Alas, howe'er it's of no use
nor helps me e'en a lick
i am the object of abuse
for i was born a chick Hush little baby don't say a word
The day has finally come
Hush little baby don't say a word
This deed must be done

Hush little baby don't say a word
I watched you while you were walking
Hush little baby don't say a word
I watched you while you were talking

Hush little baby don't say a word
I watched you for three whole years
Hush little baby don't say a word
My desire for you at times caused me tears

Hush little baby don't say a word
I finally over took you
Hush little baby don't say a word
Your soothing weeps, boo hoo

Hush little baby don't say a word
Your body I am busting
Hush little baby don't say a word
Deeper still I am thrusting

Hush little baby don't say a word
Your shouts and screams can not be heard
Hush little baby don't say a word
Pleading with me to stop is just absurd

Hush little baby don't say a word
You are weary and your tired
Hush little baby don't say a word
Darkness by Sam "please destroy all copies of this for the sake of my ministry" Biebert When Joe was but a youngster
Scarcely past the age of six
Outside he built a splendid tent
Of bleach-white sheets and sticks
Within his glorious palace
He could govern all the earth
For royal blood flowed through his veins
The mark of lofty birth

And all went well until that day
When sun and moon did pass away
What started as a minute fray---
A fissure in the fabric

Now Joe was constant curious
A child with kitten's heart
Two thumbs would surely do the trick
To pull that hole apart
Commencing with a small tear
He opened wide two feet
Thus rending split of earth and heav'n
Began with cotton sheet

If Joe knew then what's present known
He would have left that fray alone
That what's been torn can't be resewn---
A fissure in the fabric

As that great crack grew wider
It spread across the town
The edges like a scroll rolled back
To swallow matter down
Joe's neighbors, house and family
His playmate from next door
All at once were gobbled up
And they became no more

That terror spread from sea to sea
Then Yangtzee west to Tuscany
Mankind in vain attempts to flee---
A fissure in the fabric

He'd seen how far the damage
But wondered now how high
Then with his mal-intended arms
Asunder rent the sky
He tore in two the sun
Which fluttered with a spark
It cast one final longing gaze
And all the earth went dark

The sound of splitting threads
All popped to his delight
And so with impish grin he braced
To pull with all his might
The tear shot down to sheet's end
Amazingly he found
That with all his destructive force
He'd ripped apart the ground!

What with a sheet began at first
Inflicts on all the world a curse
Which soon destroys our universe---
A fissure in the fabric

Joe's mind began to wonder
How much he could unfurl
The crack grew long, ran up a tree
And ripped in half a squirrel!
Now blinded by his power
The first small tear forgot
He focused on his great plan to
Untie the space-time knot

Spare not the rod and spoil the child
Wise proverb once but now reviled
For parents let their kids run wild---
A fissure in the fabric

Then all across the world was heard
A mournful dirge and farewell word
This horror at what had occurred---
A fissure in the fabric

That crack then spider-webbed
Like window filled with scars
And in its final act consumed
The moon and all the stars
Young Joe stared up a-puzzled
How his evil'd been so bold
And then sat down inside his palace
All alone and cold

Now that ambition's course had run
And power-play had finally won
Joe wished that he had ne'er begun
That fissure in the fabric by Daniel "smooth, sultry and sandy" Johnston What’s the appeal of watching “Twilight?”
Why are vampires such a highlight?
All the girls cry, “Edward’s sexy!”
Aside from having well-formed pecs, he
Makes disturbing dietary choices
But still we hear the teenage voices.
“I wish I could date a vampire!”
“Edward fills me with desire!”
Ladies, would you really like
To wake up in the middle of the night
And find dear Edward ripping out your throat?
That’s about as sexy as slaughtering a goat.
It’s pretty hard to kiss a youth
Who’s got your neck is clamped in his mouth.
And you can’t “feel that lovin’ feeling”
When your blood is splattered on the ceiling.
Could you then continue lusting?
Actually it’s quite disgusting.
But “Twilight: New Moon” is more exciting –
Two kinds of bad boys do the biting!
Werewolves, also, are a fixture,
Hairily romping through the picture.
Every girl to the conclusion hustles,
“That’s so hot!  Werewolves have muscles!”
Sure, they’ve muscles, never fear –
All the better to rip your face off, my dear!
Werewolves cannot feel romance, and
As soon as you took off your pants
They’d tear a hunk out of your leg!
You’d scream, and writhe, and bleed, and beg
But, ignoring your protesting
The wolf would tear out your intestine.
Soon your mewing, helpless shout
Would be efficiently drowned out
As the beast tore out your tongue.
Are you surprised this wasn’t fun? 
Did you really think that he would ball you?
That’s not what werewolves do.  They maul you.
Now you’re lying on the floor
Dismembered, in a pile of gore
Your skin, your legs, your hands, your feet
Have been reduced to shreds of meat.
And as the light dims from your eyes
Don’t stare at him like you’re surprised.
Maybe you’re stupid – let me illumine.
Instead of a werewolf - DATE A HUMAN! by Peter "and co." Metzger by Lucas "Edward" Bitter
by Samuel "i took the first and last" Biebert
Peter peter pumpkin eater                      Had a wife and couldn't keep her
Peter peter you slave beater                She was hot but you were cheap
Peter peter dittrich's maneater        All she wanted was some mhyr
Peter peter groin like a heater        Maybe also to buy her fur
Peter peter big bad cheeter                Also that you wouldn't seep 
Peter peter feed me deener                    From your wiener I am sure

              Peter peter look above and you will see
              The Shape of this woman who slipped away
              So what if she didn't like romps in the hay
              For a hourglass body surely is worth a small fee

Well my dear old buddy Pete
She is got and so is her teet
I am sad you had to wake up from your dream
Now clean up your sheets you sicko and also I don't know what the first stanza had to do with the overall poem except that it helped to make the shape of the hourglass gleam    POEM OF THE YEAR
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