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FetLife for Dummies

A 101-interactive tutorial that features pro-tips and tricks to enhancing and enriching one's experience on the kinky social network.

Kelly Long

on 14 October 2014

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Transcript of FetLife for Dummies

FetLife for Dummies:
A 101 Tutorial for Kink Social Networking
Objectives of this Presentation:
Successfully establish a meaningful, expressive profile that best suits the specific goals of the user
Better acquaint the user with the technology and instruct them on how to employ the tools to best achieve their media usage goals
Offer general tips and advice to guide the novice user towards creating an enhanced, enriched, and psotive experience
Explain to the user how they can enhance their media literacy by increasing their awareness to the effects they experience as a result of exposing themselves to the medium
If it's your first time...
4. Email & Password
Your information is kept completely confidential and private, so you may be as anonymous as you wish to remain when constructing your profile!
1. Choosing your screen name...
Make it interesting, make it personal, make it as unique as you are. Thankfully, you are allowed to change this unlike most other social networking sites. However, you are only able to do this once a month, so make it good!
2. The juicy details...
Select your gender, we have plenty of options pertaining to cisgendered, transgendered, gender queer, and other affiliations. Then list your sexual orientation, which again provides a wide array of different options and variations. Then which role you prefer to play in the bedroom, ranging from playful switch to hardcore D/s dynamics.
3. How old and where are you???
You can be as honest or as fictional with this section as you want, depending on what your purpose is for using the site. Many people who strictly socialize are 93 and from Antarctica, for example.
5. Nothing is set in stone...
How cool is that? Always room for improvement and evolution!
Creating Your Profile
Welcome to Your Homepage!
Here, you can browse the latest activity among your friends. See what pictures they're loving, commenting on, which writings they're conversing about, who they are becoming friends with, and what events they're going to.
Check your messages, friend requests, and @s (notifications that people have loved or commented on your material).
Connect w/
likeminded folks
Connect w/
local folks
See what folks
are up to
See what folks
are doing... ;)
Navigating the Basics...
Specifically isolate what you want to view so you don't have to waste your time scrolling and searching!
Create shortcuts to memorable photos, writings, and videos for future reference. Also known as "the spank bank".
Hey, you! Look over here! Even more helpful shortcuts!
It's just like Facebook! You can even update your status!
Customizing Your Profile
Any questions? Each page displays F.A.Q.s in case you were wondering!
Age, Sex, Orientation, Location, & D/s roles
See? Told ya!
Write your own biography!
D/s dynamics, poly groups, houses & families, marital status, & more!
Online elsewhere? Share that info here!
Say cheese &
smile for the camera!
Or not - totally optional.
Hello, Hollywood! Ham it up!
Again, or not, completely voluntary.
Relationships In
General Information
Typically, links to photos & videos the user has posted
Mutual Friends
As much or as little information about yourself as you choose to divulge!
Bare all or barely anything! Your choice!
More friendly advertisements
Your URL does not give away any easily recognizable identifying information - your dirty little secrets are safe with us!
You even have a wall! All the comforts of Facebook!
Events organizing
Events going to
Groups I Lead
The screenname acts a link to the other person's profile. You can have multiple listings with multiple people. The more the merrier!
(Hey, look - it's a timeline!)
This is a prime example of what not to do when messaging a stranger on FetLife. It is uninteresting, unengaging, unspecific, and tragically tired, overused, and boring. Many people will even state in their profiles that they will not even bother responding to message likes this.

This is an example of "you reap what you sow". If you send out a poorly crafted message, anticipate to get just as much or even more apathy in return.
FetLife is a social network specifically designed for the kink & fetish communities.
Insert fetish lists here
Filtering Message
Meaning Matching
Meaning Construction


Deciding which messages to ignore or pay attention to
Decipher what is useful and what is useless
Messages in the environment
What element is worthy of my concentration?
Recognize referents & locate previously learned info
Access previously learned meanings efficiently
Referents in the message
Have I encountered this or something like it before?
Create meaning for one's self in order to personalize and get more out of a message
Interpret messages from more than one perspective as a means of identifying the range of meaning options, then choose one or synthesize across several
One's own knowledge structures
Do I believe myself to understand this topic?
(W. J. Potter, ch 3)
Exposure & Attention
Information Processing Tasks
Exposure = contact; Attention = focus/concentration
Types of Exposure:
1 - Physical [able to be perceived with the 5 senses]
2 - Perceptual [subconcious thoughts]
3 - Psychological [lingering memories]
States of Exposure:
1 - Automatic (auto-pilot)
2 - Attentional (peaked interest)
3 - Transported (escapism)
4 - Self-reflexive (meta-analysis)
(W. J. Potter, ch. 3)
10 Techniques for Improving Media Literacy
1. Strengthen your personal locus
2. Focus on usefulness as a goal
3. Develop an accurate awareness of your exposure
4. Examine your mental codes
5. Acquire a broad base of useful knowledge
6. Think about the reality-fantasy continuum
7. Make cross-channel comparisons
8. Examine your opinions
9. Change behaviors
10. Take personal responsibility
Please note that due to copyright law and issues of privacy, most of the screen shots have been edited extensively to ensure the safety and anonymity of all.
1 - Strengthen your personal locus.
Be aware of your own intent. Do you want to network socially, romantically, politically, or professionally?
Professionally - be as honest as possible in order to make contacts and build histories with local vendors, presenters, performers, etc.
Romantically - be as honest as possible without putting yourself at unnecessary risk, i.e. list what city you live in, but do not provide where you reside or work.
Socially - it doesn't really matter! It's what you make of it! Relax, have fun, & enjoy!
Politically - this depends on the cause, level of involvement, and intensity of dedication, and may vary across contexts and situations.
(W. J. Potter, ch. 21)
You will often find yourself on auto-pilot, scrolling up and down and up and down.
This Website makes it quite difficult for other distractions to steal your attention, however, it comes with its own built-in distracts, overflowing with overwhelming amounts and various types of stimuli.
Use this time to be self-reflexive! How can you tailor your profile to best achieve your goals?

This is how others on the network perceive you. This is how those seeking partners will deem whether or not you are a good match for them, and those looking for friendship will judge whether or not they want to get to know you, and those looking for business contacts will decide whether or not they are interested in working with you. Make it count!
Further strengthening your personal locus...
Discover new things about yourself!
giving, receiving? watching, doing?
8. Examine your opinions
Aesthetic Appreciation
Learning Ladders
Level of capability in navigating site
Ability to balance the influence the site's content has on mood
Appreciating differing narrative perspectives on a single issue/topic
Recognizing implications about oneself and society at large based on site materials.
(W. J. Potter, ch. 21)
2. Focus on usefulness as a goal
5. Acquire a broad base of useful knowledge
By reading posts and following discussions, you can really enhance your understanding of not just BDSM, but vanilla topics in general, and ultimately life. Once you have a more well-rounded view, you can engage more knowledgeably and passionately in conversations.
9. Change behaviors
After becoming more savvy with the social network over time, you may feel that you spend too many hours online. You may need to monitor your own usage, or restrict it altogether, at least temporarily.
On the other hand, you may find that FetLife has been a healthy addition to your life, and you want more...
The End.
Good Luck
Happy Perving!

...and coming soon - iFetLife!
3. Develop accurate awareness of exposure
Is there other, similar media out there?
Are there other vehicles available?
4. Examine Mental Codes
Have you programmed your habits to meet your needs?
Too little?
Just Right?
Too much?

7. Make cross channel comparisons
6. Consider the reality-fantasy continuum
Are your descriptions realistic? Are your standards of expectation realistic? Are your goals realistic? Are you being realistic? If so, you are already on your way to making all of your wildest, naughtiest, dirtiest fantasies come true!
10. Take responsibility
Remember that you will only get as much out of the FetLife experience as you put into it.
K&P is an excellent source of entertainment, art, and information. However, it may cause some subconscious anxiety concerning body image, intellect and artistic talent, and heteronormativity regarding the straight orientation and also the male dominance/female submission power exchanges. Be sure that you do not fall victim to these by being especially self-reflexive when viewing this page.
Buyer Beware: High Risk of Excessive Masturbation
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