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Habit #5: The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens

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Allison Opheim

on 22 October 2012

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Transcript of Habit #5: The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens

Don't harbor feelings inside. Unexpressed feelings never die. They are buried alive and come forth later in uglier ways. The second half of Habit 5, then seek to be understood, is as important as the first half but requires something different from us. It requires courage. Types of Poor Listening Listening with just your ears is not good enough because only 7% of communication is contained in the words we use. The rest comes from body language (53%) and the tone and feeling reflected in our voice (40%). Listen with your eyes, heart, and ears. Genuine listening can work for many situations - especially when you're trying to communicate with your parents. Try listening to your parents like they are one of your friends. They experience defeat, hurt, and all of the same emotions you do . Genuine listening will do 2 great things for you: Genuine Listening in Action The 7 Habits of Highly
Effective Teens:
Habit 5 Seek first to understand, and then to be
understood. Spacing Out Pretend Listening Selective Listening Word Listening Self-centered Listening What is it?
- When someone is talking to us, but we ignore them because our mind is wandering off in another galaxy. Often we are too caught up in our own thoughts to hear what they are saying. What is it?
- We don't pay attention to the other person, but we pretend we are by making comments at key junctures such as "yeah," "uh huh," "cool," "sounds great," etc. The speaker usually gets the hint and feels that he/she is not important enough to be heard. What is it?
- It is where we pay attention only to the part of the conversation that interests us. We talk about what we want to talk about instead of what the other person wants to. What is it?
- We actually pay attention to what someone is saying, but we listen only to the words, not to the body language, the feelings, or the true meaning behind the words. When we focus on only the words, we are seldom in touch with the deeper emotions of peoples' hearts. “Before I can walk in another’s shoes, I must remove my own.” Need an example?
Your friend is talking about how it feels to be in the shadow of his talented brother in the army. All you hear is the word "army." You say, "Oh yeah! The army! I've been thinking about that a lot lately." What is it?
- We see everything from our own point of view. Instead of standing in another's shoes, we want them to stand in ours. This is where sentences like "Oh, I know exactly how you feel" come from. Need an example?
Your friend Kim might ask, "What do you think of Rolando?"
You might reply, "Oh, I think he's pretty cool." But if you had been more sensitive and listened to her body language and tone of voice, you would have heard that she was really saying, "Do you think Rolando likes me?" Genuine Listening Stand in another's shoes. You need to try to see the world as the other person sees it and try to feel as they feel. Don't turn conversations into a competition. Practice Mirroring Think like a mirror. What does a mirror do? It doesn't judge, it doesn't give advice. It reflects. Mirroring is this: Repeat back in your own words what the other person is saying and feeling.
- Mirroring is NOT mimicking. Don't repeat exactly what the other person says. It's not going to get you anywhere. For example:
"I'm having the worst time in school right now."
"You're having the worst time in school right now."
"I'm practically flunking all my classes."
"You're practically flunking all your classes.' Instead try this... You'll gain a greater respect for them, and realize they are more than just aliens trying to wreck your life. They're people. Here's an example:

You ask your dad if you can take the car out tonight.
He yells, "No! You can not take the car out, son. And that's final!"
Instead of getting worked up and screaming back, you respond, "I can see you're upset about this, Dad."
"You bet I'm upset. The way your grades have been dropping lately, you don't deserve the car."
"You're worried about my grades."
"I am. You know how badly I want you to get into college."
"College is really important to you isn't it?
"I never had the chance to go to college. And I've never been able to make much because of it. I know money's not everything, but it sure would help right now. I just want a better life for you."
"I see."
"You are so capable that it just drives me crazy when you don't take school seriously. I guess you can take the car if you promise me you'll do your homework later tonight. That's all I'm asking. Promise?"
"Of course, Dad."

See, by mirroring, the kid was able to find the real issue.This might not always have an end result of being able to do what you want like this story shows, but it still helps. You will create a greater respect for your parents. Listen to them as if they are one of your friends that go through the same troubles you do. You realize soon after they are actual humans; not aliens trying to wreck your life. If you take time to listen to and understand your parents, you will also get your way MUCH more often. This isn't manipulation or magic; just genuine listening in action. Giving feedback is also an
important part in seeking to be
understood. Keep these 2 points
in mind when giving feedback: Ask yourself the question, " Will this feedback really help this person, or am I doing it just to suit myself and fix them?" If you find you are doing it for yourself, now is not the time or place for feedback. Secondly, send "I" messages, not "you" messages. Say, "I'm concerned you've been acting self-centered lately." Don't say, "You have been really whiny lately." Just remember: You have two ears, and only one mouth. Use them accordingly! Just remember: You have two ears and one mouth. Use them accordingly!
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