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Crucial Conversations

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by

Jason Crowe

on 20 February 2015

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Transcript of Crucial Conversations

So what do you do once you see that it's unsafe?
Apologize
: "I'm sorry that......"
Contrast
: "I
don't
want to imply that.....what I
do
mean is......."
Create mutual purpose
Mutual Purpose
Creating Mutual Purpose
What are some examples of crucial conversations?
What is a crucial conversation?
Crucial Conversations
C
ommit to seek mutual purpose: "can we both agree that we need to come up with some port of plan to address this?"
Asking a roommate to move out?
Ending a Relationship?
Trouble with In-Laws?
One of your in-laws always dropping by unannounced, giving advice, trying to direct your lives.
What about at work?
Give us some examples of some crucial conversations in the workplace.
Performance Reviews?
The "Fool's Choice"
Silence vs Violence?

How did we get what we wanted when we were kids?
Stressful situations make us stupid!
The pool of shared meaning is where dialog begins!
when it matters most we do our worst!
fight or flight response under stress
blood rushes from our brain to our limbs
emotions easily overtake our reasoning
we say the wrong thing, act the wrong way, and get the wrong results
Getting Unstuck
Problem:
We're all stuck or not achieving what we want in a variety of areas, ranging from awkward or failing relationships to dysfunctional teams, to cost, quality, or safety problems at work.
Solution:
Learn how to identify the crucial conversations that are key to organizational, team, and interpersonal success.
C.P.R.
Content
What is the behavior or issue?
Pattern
Has this been happening for a while or just this once? What is the pattern?
Relationship
How is the affecting your relationships with the person or people involved?
Examine or "Unbundle" the issue with CPR
Apply CPR to these issues:
Employee tardiness
One of the team not pulling their weight
A manager has offended or harassed an employee
Rough closing shifts leaving the operation in shambles
Start with Heart!
start with the right motives
change your style under stress, avoid silence and violence
know your own impulses and control them
Which way do you lean? Towards silence or violence?
The difference between silence and violence....what happens when the bell rings?
Problem:
Solution:
The first thing that deteriorates in a crucial conversation is not our behavior (that comes second) but our
motive
.
Learn to stay focused on what you really want and get better results.
Focus on what you really want!
Ask yourself three questions:
What am I behaving like I want?
What results do I really want: for myself? for others? for the relationship? for the organization?
How would I behave if those were the things I really wanted?
example
Work on "me" first and "us" second.
The only person we can continually inspire, prod, and shape with any degree of success is the person in the mirror.
Learn to Look: Make it Safe
Content:

What are they saying?

Conditions:

Why are they saying it?
Content vs Conditions
If you see silence or violence in others you can stop and get back on track.

Make it safe!
Look for signs in yourself and others:
Physical Signals:

do you feel your stomach tighten, eyes dry, feeling overheated?
Emotional Signals:

Are you getting angry? Hurt? Insulted? Nervous?
Behavioral Signals:

Raised Voices? Pointing Fingers? Getting louder? Quieter?
When people feel safe they can talk about almost anything with almost anyone. If there is no fear of judgment, anger, or embarrassment you will get real dialogue between people.
The result you want:
Mutual Purpose
The #1 Condition of Safety
Do others believe I care about them and their goals?
Do they trust my motives?
Mutual purpose requires mutual respect
Example #1
Example #2
I
nvent a mutual purpose: "Well, can we both agree that we want the dinner shift to start running better?"
B
rainstorm new strategies.
Mutual Respect
Respect is like air: you don't even think about it when its present, but take it away and that's
all
you think about.
Watch for signs that respect is violated-emotional changes, charged dialogue, upset behavior.
Learn to respect people you don't respect:
find common ground
find comparative weaknesses
find common goals
make a human connection
Apologize when Appropriate
an apology must be a sincere show of respect
you must admit your role in causing the difficulty at hand
give up something (a bit of your ego) in sacrifice for what you
really want
--a successful conversation.
Apologies help restore safety
Contrast to Fix Misunderstanding
Contrasting is a don't/do statement that addresses either your respect or your purpose
Respect:
Purpose:
The last thing I want to do is make you think that I
don't
value your work, I
do
think you are making a great contribution to the team.
I
don't
want to criticize your work or the work of your team, you're doing a great job! What I
do
want to do is refocus your energy onto
this
goal.
Once you've restored safety by apologizing and contrasting your objectives, return to the conversation again to seek mutual purpose.
C.R.I.B.
R
ecognize the purpose behind the strategy: "why don't you think this is a good idea? Why are you proposing that idea instead?"
When we really care about the interests of others, not just our own.
What is mutual purpose?
Let's revisit the video....in the discussion about the designer being disciplined, how was mutual purpose created?
Using the examples we came up with earlier, let's come up with some statements of mutual purpose.
Apologize
Contrast
Contrast
Create Mutual Purpose
Clear Problem
Misunderstanding
Mutual Respect:
Mutual Purpose:
Tools for Rebuilding Safety
Group Exercise
How could this have gone better?
Full transcript