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Transcript of Crucial Conversations
: "I'm sorry that......"
want to imply that.....what I
Create mutual purpose
Creating Mutual Purpose
What are some examples of crucial conversations?
What is a crucial conversation?
ommit to seek mutual purpose: "can we both agree that we need to come up with some port of plan to address this?"
Asking a roommate to move out?
Ending a Relationship?
Trouble with In-Laws?
One of your in-laws always dropping by unannounced, giving advice, trying to direct your lives.
What about at work?
Give us some examples of some crucial conversations in the workplace.
The "Fool's Choice"
Silence vs Violence?
How did we get what we wanted when we were kids?
Stressful situations make us stupid!
The pool of shared meaning is where dialog begins!
when it matters most we do our worst!
fight or flight response under stress
blood rushes from our brain to our limbs
emotions easily overtake our reasoning
we say the wrong thing, act the wrong way, and get the wrong results
We're all stuck or not achieving what we want in a variety of areas, ranging from awkward or failing relationships to dysfunctional teams, to cost, quality, or safety problems at work.
Learn how to identify the crucial conversations that are key to organizational, team, and interpersonal success.
What is the behavior or issue?
Has this been happening for a while or just this once? What is the pattern?
How is the affecting your relationships with the person or people involved?
Examine or "Unbundle" the issue with CPR
Apply CPR to these issues:
One of the team not pulling their weight
A manager has offended or harassed an employee
Rough closing shifts leaving the operation in shambles
Start with Heart!
start with the right motives
change your style under stress, avoid silence and violence
know your own impulses and control them
Which way do you lean? Towards silence or violence?
The difference between silence and violence....what happens when the bell rings?
The first thing that deteriorates in a crucial conversation is not our behavior (that comes second) but our
Learn to stay focused on what you really want and get better results.
Focus on what you really want!
Ask yourself three questions:
What am I behaving like I want?
What results do I really want: for myself? for others? for the relationship? for the organization?
How would I behave if those were the things I really wanted?
Work on "me" first and "us" second.
The only person we can continually inspire, prod, and shape with any degree of success is the person in the mirror.
Learn to Look: Make it Safe
What are they saying?
Why are they saying it?
Content vs Conditions
If you see silence or violence in others you can stop and get back on track.
Make it safe!
Look for signs in yourself and others:
do you feel your stomach tighten, eyes dry, feeling overheated?
Are you getting angry? Hurt? Insulted? Nervous?
Raised Voices? Pointing Fingers? Getting louder? Quieter?
When people feel safe they can talk about almost anything with almost anyone. If there is no fear of judgment, anger, or embarrassment you will get real dialogue between people.
The result you want:
The #1 Condition of Safety
Do others believe I care about them and their goals?
Do they trust my motives?
Mutual purpose requires mutual respect
nvent a mutual purpose: "Well, can we both agree that we want the dinner shift to start running better?"
rainstorm new strategies.
Respect is like air: you don't even think about it when its present, but take it away and that's
you think about.
Watch for signs that respect is violated-emotional changes, charged dialogue, upset behavior.
Learn to respect people you don't respect:
find common ground
find comparative weaknesses
find common goals
make a human connection
Apologize when Appropriate
an apology must be a sincere show of respect
you must admit your role in causing the difficulty at hand
give up something (a bit of your ego) in sacrifice for what you
--a successful conversation.
Apologies help restore safety
Contrast to Fix Misunderstanding
Contrasting is a don't/do statement that addresses either your respect or your purpose
The last thing I want to do is make you think that I
value your work, I
think you are making a great contribution to the team.
want to criticize your work or the work of your team, you're doing a great job! What I
want to do is refocus your energy onto
Once you've restored safety by apologizing and contrasting your objectives, return to the conversation again to seek mutual purpose.
ecognize the purpose behind the strategy: "why don't you think this is a good idea? Why are you proposing that idea instead?"
When we really care about the interests of others, not just our own.
What is mutual purpose?
Let's revisit the video....in the discussion about the designer being disciplined, how was mutual purpose created?
Using the examples we came up with earlier, let's come up with some statements of mutual purpose.
Create Mutual Purpose
Tools for Rebuilding Safety
How could this have gone better?