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Managing Difficult Situations

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Chris Knapp

on 28 May 2014

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Transcript of Managing Difficult Situations

Managing Difficult Situations
Getting to 'Yes'
Roger Fisher and William Ury developed 4 principles to successfully manage negotiations.
Agenda
Principle 1 - Separate the People from the Problem

Principle 2 - Focus on Interests rather than Positions

Principle 3 - Generate a variety of Options before settling on an Agreement

Principle 4 - Insist that the Agreement be based on Objective Criteria.
Principle 2 - Focus on Interests
"Your position is something you have decided upon. Your interests are what cause you to decide....good conversations are made by focusing on interests, not positions."
Fisher and Ury

Introduction to Assertiveness

Getting To Yes

Building Trust
Assertiveness

6 Principals
Human Behavioural Scale
Principal 1
Value Yourself And Your Rights

Understand that your rights, thoughts, feelings, needs and wants are just as important as everyone else's. But remember they are not more important (that’s aggressive).
Principal 2
Identify Your Needs / Wants, Can They Be Satisfied

Don't wait for someone to recognize what you need (you might wait forever). Understand that to perform to your full potential, your needs must be heard. Find ways to get your needs met without sacrificing others' needs in the process.
Principal 3
Acknowledge that people are responsible for their own behaviour

Don't make the mistake of accepting responsibility for how people react to your assertive statements (e.g. anger, resentment). You can only control yourself. Do not violate someone else's needs (if you do that it's aggressive).
Principal 4
Express Negative Thoughts And Feelings In A Healthy And Positive Manner

Allow yourself to be angry, but always be respectful, control your emotions. Confront people who challenge you and/or your rights Do say what's on your mind, but do it in a way that protects the other person's feelings
Principal 5
Receive Criticism And Compliments Positively

Accept criticism and compliments with grace. Allow yourself to make mistakes and always ask for help. Accept feedback positively – do not get defensive (being defensive leads to passive or aggressive)
PASSIVE
AGGRESSIVE
ASSERTIVENESS
Know your limits and what will cause you to feel taken advantage of. Know that you can't do everything or please everyone and learn to be OK with that. Go with what is right for you and suggest an alternative for a win-win solution
Principal 6
Learn To Say "No" When You Need To
Applying The Theory
Watch The Video

What does Tony Blair do to be Assertive?
Facial Expression
Hand Gestures
Body Language
Posture
Eye Gaze
Physical Appearance
Tone of voice
Loudness of voice
Timbre of voice
Words used
Sitting down or Standing up
Actively Listen
Identify Your Needs
Identify Your Wants
Asking for their needs
Asking for their wants
Attention
Pitch
Difficult Relationships
Positions are 'what you ideally want'
They are your pre-determined successful outcomes
They are often based on perceived power
They are competitive and can be argumentative
Interests generate a variety of possible solutions
Interests allow for a solution that may not involve competiton
Interests help us evaluate all possible solutions
Focusing on interests provides increased understanding
Improves long-term relationships through positive communication
Breaks down any power difference between parties
Interests Define The Position
What type of communication do you have with someone when discussing a shared interest?
1. Effects of "I Want or Need" statements

Helps clarify to yourself and others what you really want / need.

Gives the other person the information necessary to know how to fulfill your want / need.

Even if the other chooses not to fulfill your wants, you are relieved of the conflict of
wanting, being afraid to ask, and worrying whether or not the other will do what you want.

When the other person has wants that conflict with yours, you both can openly problem-solve the conflict and compromise, or learn to live with it.
Guidelines for Using I Want Statements

3 ways to reduce the likelihood of others misunderstanding that an expression of preferences or
wants are non-negotiable demands:

1. Ask the other about their preferences or willingness to do what you want.
i.e. Instead of going to the party, I’d like to stay home with you. What do you want to do?

2. Quantify your wants on a verbal scale (slight, essential, vital, extremely)
i.e. I need this vital information to process the request...

3. Clearly state what your I Want / I Need Statement means and what it doesn’t mean.
i.e. In order for me to finalize your request I need....
Clarifying Expectations
Practicing Accountability
Listening First
Keeping Commitments
Getting Better
Extending Trust
Confronting Reality
Trust
Stephen M.R Covey
You want to do more than simply express your wants or feelings, but want to convey something sensitive to
the other person that you are concerned the other person might feel offended by or put off by your
assertiveness.

Examples

1. Your recognition of the other persons:
Situation (i.e. pressures, difficulties, lack of awareness), Feelings (i.e. sad, mad, glad, scared), Wants (i.e. get better grade, discuss a topic), Beliefs (i.e. has been unfairly treated),
Recognition is not sympathy / agreement. It’s an acknowledgment of the other’s situation, feelings, wants, beliefs.

2: Description of the situation, feelings, wants, or beliefs.
i.e. “I can see that you’re upset with me and not interested in talking right now; I would like to talk it over
when you’re ready.”


Feel more comfortable being assertive when you have first recognized the other person's S,F,W,B.
Helpful in important relationships where you want to reduce the chances that the other will become defensive or aggressive.
Reduces the chances of acting aggressively as it requires putting yourself in the other’s perspective before expressing yourself.
Others are more likely to hear your assertive message when they know their message has been recognized first.
Learnt Skill
Empathic Assertion
Effects of Empathic Assertion
Examples
If you are having trouble showing someone that you care, try using empathic statements in your conversations!
As I see it, you’re tired of waiting and having everything go wrong.
I can see where you’re coming from, you dislike having to wait and things going wrong.
You appear to be feeling impatient.
I wonder if you’re expressing a concern that things never work out, and this is waste of time.
I get the impression that you are not happy where you stand now and this is making you impatient.
Do you often feel unappreciated because you get nothing in return….
You appear angry about how slow this….
I gather that you’re not happy with the ways things are….
To me, it’s almost like you are saying….
From what I heard, you’re expressing….
You feel perhaps…
I sense that you’re…
Any
Questions?
Benefits of High Trust Relationships / Organisations
Increased Problem Solving
Quicker co-operation
Reduced skepticism
Improved information sharing
Greater acceptance of change
Superior well being at work
More efficient conversations
Rising levels of motivation
CIPD 2011
How do you build
trust with someone?
Talking Straight
Demonstrating Respect
Creating Transparency
Righting Wrongs
Showing Loyalty
Delivering Results
Covey's - Trust Behaviours
Full transcript