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Transcript of Habbit 4
The totem pole
The Downward Spiral
The all-you-can-eat buffet
Examples from the book
Thinking win-lose is competitive. We have all been trained to think win-lose from a young age, so don't feel bad if you feel this way. It's like being in band and getting second chair. You didn't get first chair, but at least you beat out the people who got third and fourth chair.
Forms of win-lose
7 habits of highly effective teens, habit 4, p. 149
"Using other people, emotionally or physically, for your own selfish purposes."
"Trying to get ahead at the expense of another."
"Spreading rumors about someone else (as if putting someone else down builds you up)."
"Always insisting on getting your way without concerning yourself with the feelings of others."
"Becoming envious and jealous when something good happens to someone close to you."
One teen wrote: "I, for one, am a big peacemaker. I would much rather take the blame for just about anything than get into an argument. I constantly find myself saying that I am dumb..." (p.149)
"Have your way with me. Wipe your feet on me, everyone else does."
"Lose-win is weak. It's easy to get stepped on. It's easy to be the nice guy. It's easy to give in, all in the name of being a peacemaker. It's easy to let your parents have their way with you rather than try and share your feelings with them." (p.150)
Maybe the easiest option isn't the best option
Giving in to peer pressure
Setting low expectations
Hiding your true feelings inside
Giving up easily
Sometimes it's okay to lose
Lose-win is okay if it is an argument that isn't important or just little issues. But when it comes to important things, take a stand. When you let others win the little things, you deposit into your RBA.
"If I'm going down, then you're going down with me, sucker."
War and revenge are 2 examples of lose-lose. Even though in a war, one side may "win" in the end, was it really worth all the lives lost and money spent?
The best way to think win-win is to see what it is not.
"If you want to win at all cost, and the other person wants to win at all costs, you're both going to end up losing." (p.151)
Win-win means that everyone can win. It's the perfect balance. "I won't step on you, but I won't be your doormat either." (p.152)
Dawn and Pam's Story
When Dawn was a sophomore in high school, she was on the basketball team. Dawn was pretty good for her age. As Dawn started to get recognized for her talent, her friend Pam started to get jealous. One game, Pam didn't even pass the ball to Dawn and they ended up losing the game because they didn't work together as a team. One night after a bad game, Dawn went home and asked her dad for some advice. He advised Dawn to pass the ball to Pam every time she got it. Dawn took her father's advice at the next game and they ended up winning the game because of the teamwork between Dawn and Pam. After that game, Pam began pass Dawn the ball more and more. The team started winning the majority of the games and Dawn was scoring more points than ever.
Relationship Bank Account
A Relationship Bank Account is something you "open" with everyone you meet. This can determine how trustworthy you are and how much you trust others. One you "open" an RBA, you can never close it. You can deposit into your RBA by keeping promises, doing small acts of kindness, being loyal, listening, saying you're sorry, and setting clear expectations.
7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens pg.147
Having a good attitude
Communicate with others
Split up ideas
Work together, to win together
7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens pg.159
Jacques Lusseyran Story
7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens pg.161
Examples of Win-Win
"Or if your girlfriend of boyfriend cant develop a Win-Win relationship it might be best for both of you to let go." So that you don't fight and still be friends
"If you and your friend cant decide on what to do one night, instead of doing an activity that one of you might resent,split up that night and get together another night."
Thanks for listening
1) If Remi were to find an apple on the cafeteria table but Brendon grabbed it first this would be the start of a Win-Lose situation. However, Brendon decided to share the apple creating a Win-Win situation.
2) If Niko were to see Free cookie stand with one cookie left but Celia picked it up, this would be the beginning of a Win-Lose situation. However, Celia decides to split the free cookie with Niko creating a Win-Win situation.
1) Coleman sees candy on a desk and he wants the candy. However, Celia grabbed the candy first and is not going to give it to Coleman. This is a Win-Lose Situation.
2) Niko sees a book on the desk and wants to pick it up and read it. However, Remi grabbed the book and began to read it making this a Win-Lose situation.
1) Brendon and Coleman both see a apple sitting on the desk and they both reach for it at the same time. However, Niko picks up the apple and throws it away so that neither Brendon or Coleman can have the apple, creating a Lose-Lose situation.
Rodney had a field day at school. Rodney had fun, but didn't get first second or third place in any events. He still got a ribbon when he got a ribbon of participation which he was proud of. Then along came a debby downer who told him that those types of ribbons didn't really matter and everyone got one of those. By the time he is in midde school, everyone else is wearing the newest and nicest clothes, he can't afford these new clothes; Rodney feels inferior. In high school Rodney joins the orchestra, he gets assigned second fiddle instead of first. He is disappointed, but glad he didn't get third. At home his brother begins to become the golden child, Rodney studies extra hard to get better grades and steal the spotlight. When Rodney takes the SAT he scores in the 50th percentile, his score is not good enought to get into the college he wanted. In college they use a forced curve grading, Rodney wors hard and gets the last B avilable. His life continues in this manner
By: Celia Schipper, Coleman Stauffer, Niko Stamas, Brendon Rodriguez, Remington Sullivan
Competing and Comparing - The "Tumor Twins"
Competing is good when it drives us to improve, reach, and stretch. When you tie your self-worth into winning or use winning to place yourself above another, then competing becomes bad.
Video of Habit 4
"In the movie Star Wars, Luke Skywalker learns about a positive energy shield called "the force," which gives life to all things. Later, Luke confronts the evil Darth Vader and learns about the "dark side" of the force. As Darth puts it, "You don't know the power of the dark side." So it is with competition. There is a sunny side and a dark side and both are powerful." (p.155)
The other tumor twin:
Comparing is just as bad as competition. We shouldn't compare ourselves to others because "we're all on different developmental timetables." Covey compares comparing to different types of trees. "Although some of us are like the poplar tree, which grows like a weed the moment it's planted, others are like the bamboo tree, which shows no growth for four years but then grows ninety feet in year five.
turn to page
The Fruits of the Win-Win Spirit
The win-win spirit is highly contagious. Your friends will appreciate it and the spirit can help you with things such as major conflicts with your parents or just deciding who walks the dog or washes the dishes.
Sometimes a win-win situation just isn't possible
This may happen when the other person is very set on win-lose, so much so that you don't even want to approach them. When this happens, stick by win-win and don't adopt a win-lose attitude. Don't become a doormat either with lose-win. Instead, go for win-win or no deal. "For example, if you and your friend can't decide what to do one night, instead of doing an activity that one of you might resent, split up that night and get together another night."(p.160)
1.Pinpoint the area of your life where you most struggle with comparisons. Perhaps it's clothes, physical features, friends, or talents.
2. If you play sports, show sportsmanship. Compliment someone after a game
3. If someone owes you money, don't be afraid to mention it in a friendly way. "Did you forget about that ten bucks I loaned you last week? I could use it right now." Think win-win, not lose-win.
4. Without caring whether you win or lose, play a card, board, or computer game just for the fun of it.
5. Do you have an important test coming up soon? If so, form a study group and share your best ideas with each other. You'll do better.
6. The next time someone close to you succeeds, be genuinely happy for them instead of feeling threatened.
7. Think about your general attitude toward life. Is it based on win-lose, lose-win, lose-lose, or win-win thinking? How is that attitude affecting you
8. Think of a person who you feel is a role model of win-win. What is it about this person you admire?
9. Are you in a relationship with a member of the opposite gender? If you are, then decide what must happen to make it a win for you or chose to go No Deal and get out of the relationship.