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TheDoctor Atomic

on 30 August 2013

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Transcript of Homestuck

Homestuck is a online webcomic made by Andrew Hussie. It has achieved massive internet success and is apparently the 8th longest piece of English literature. The story is complex, so complex that they say if you understand it something is wrong with you. Basically, it's about four friends and the game they play.
Rose Lalonde
Your name is ROSE LALONDE. You are a good friend of JOHN. You are both daughter and mother of ROXY. You enjoy knitting and are particularly fond of your laptop cozy. Your God Tier is Seer of light and you type with
Nearly perfect grammar. It is a pleasant contrast to your friends. You speak purely in the languages of sarcasm and sass. Your chumhandle is tentacleTherapist.
Dave Strider
Your name is DAVE. You are the best bro of JOHN. You are cool type, the kind of dude you'd see driving a wicked cool car with the sick beats blasting so everyone can hear. Too bad you're too busy saving the world. You are very ironic and hate puppets. Your God Tier is Knight of Time and you
type like a god and tend to ramble
your chumhandle is turntechGodhead
John Egbert
Your name is JOHN EGBERT. You are 13 years old at the start of the story. You are a trickster, or at least a master prankster. You had interest in movies by Nic Cage for quite some time. You are essentially the main character. Your God Tier is Heir of Breath. You hate sweet confectionary products and you type
in a very relaxed and cheerful manner. your chumhandle (username) is
ectoBiologist. :B
Jade Harley
Your name is JADE. You have many interests including gardening, science and as of late, dogs. You have an optimistic look on life and you just want everyone to be happy! Your God Tier is Witch of Space and you type
with a nice sense of optimism! your chumhandle is gardenGnostic.
The Alpha Kids
The Alpha Kids are the pre-scratch versions of the Beta Kids. (JOHN, ROSE, DAVE and JADE.) Their names are JANE CROCKER, ROXY LALONDE, DIRK STRIDER and JAKE ENGLISH. I will not go into more detail due to spoilers and time.
The trolls are an alien race from the planet Alternia, they have many different blood colors and are quite literally internet trolls. They have many blood colors which basically show how important they are in society. They also represent different signs of the zodiac. A troll with your zodiac is called your Patron Troll. (Sort of)
Aradia Megido
Maid of Time
Tavros Nitram
Page of Breath
Sollux Captor
Mage of Doom
Karkat Vantas
Knight of Blood
Nepeta Leijon
Kanaya Maryam
Rogue of Heart
Sylph of Space
Terezi Pyrope
Seer of Mind
Vriska Serket
Thief of Light
Equius Zahhak
Heir of Void
Gamzee Makara
Bard of Rage
Eridan Ampora
Prince of Hope
Feferi Peixes
Witch of Life
Andrew Hussie
Andrew Hussie has many times inserted himself into the story, he acts as the narrator and is possibly the most important character in the story. Maybe. He is the creator, he is god (according to some fans.) He is immortal, obviously.
Gotta tell you what's what. I'll do some quick notes on these lovely fellas.
-She's dead.
-Also a robot.
-I really like her but she is just...not my favorite.
-She's Aries.
-A red blood, which means you're poor on Alternia.

-Like, the second cutest troll ever.
-Paralyzed, Vriska basically pushed him off a cliff. (long story)
-He will make you cry.
-Don't worry he gets better!
-Nothing bad will ever happen to him I swear!
-Lies, all lies.
-He's Taurus.
-Brown blood.

-Talks with a lisp.
-Has super laser powers of awesome.
-Yellow blood.
-Is a little bipolar.
-One of my favorites.
-This guy, I mean seriously.
-Bees, these are sort of a theme. Buzzzzzzz.
-Mutant blood.
-Misunderstood and quite loud.
-Swears a lot.
-His sign is Cancer.
-You could say that he's a little...
-Fans love this guy.
-Cutest troll ever.
-Loves cats.
-Oh but she's vicious!
-Olive blood.
-Crushing on Karkitty over there, BFFs with Equius.
-She's basically Tumblr.
-Vampire, daywalker.
-Jade blood, Virgo.
-She likes fashion.
-Her weapon is a chainsaw that can turn into lipstick.
-Okay okay she's great, just kidding.
-Blind, teal blood.
-Likes to lick things.
-I used to really like her.
-Likes the color red.
-Was dating Dave.
-I really hate her.
-Cerulean blood, Scorpio.
-She paralyzed Tavros.
-Caused Terezi to be blind (or at least helped. Long story)
-Likes spiders, I hate them.
-I really hate her.
-I'm sorry.
-wait now i love her.
-Likes horses.
-Blue blood, racist towards low bloods. Sagittarius.
-Likes being ordered around because he is obsessed with the blood caste. (Hemospectrum)
-The fans don't like him.
-Sweats a lot.
-Clown cultist.
-Kind of creepy.
-Indigo blood, Capricorn.
-My patron troll!
-Best buds with Karkat.
-Goes crazy.
-Aquarius, my fave although everyone hates him.
-Purple blood and a sea dweller.
-Really racist towards land dwellers.
-Needs a girlfriend.
-Has a genocidal complex, but really just needs a hug.
-Thinks magic is fake, therefor science.
-Called the Prince of Hope, but is hopeless.
-A princess.
-Fuschia blood, Pisces.
-Dated Eridan and also Sollux.
-Makes fish puns.
-She is also a sea dweller but she wants peace and love in the world.
-Though she'll mess you up.
-Really happy.
You may have just sold your soul to Andrew Hussie. Good luck with that!
The End.
(you're also a dorky little french fry)
There are also Alpha versions of the trolls who are (were) living on a planet called Beforus but I'll skip them.
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