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Working with Resistance

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David Mochel

on 16 August 2018

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Transcript of Working with Resistance

Mindfulness
Using energy in service of goals, values, commitments, and relationships
Pathways & patterns of activity
in the brain that lead to automatic perceptions, thoughts, feelings
& behaviors
Freedom = putting your attention and energy where you choose
Self-regulation
Conditioning
Practice
Awareness Acceptance Gratitude Awe Compassion
Why is that important to you?
Some conditioning is very useful.
It often shows up as attachment to current behavior and resistance to new behavior.
What we believe
What we feel like
What we are capable of
Mindfulness is not the same as relaxation.
Opening Breathing Smiling
Creating, reinforcing, or breaking down conditioning
“Mindfulness is the aware, balanced acceptance of the present experience. It isn’t more complicated than that. ~Sylvia Boorstein
"A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices." ~ William James
"Under duress, we do not rise to our expectations –
we fall to the level of our training." ~ Bruce Lee
"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."
~ Viktor Frankl
Mindfulness allows us to find a bit of space for whatever shows up.
Mindfulness facilitates conscious choice.
Mindfulness can help us make the distinction.
Self-discipline
engaging in behavior in
the presence of resistance
Self-control
abstaining from behavior in the presence of attachment
Awareness & acceptance of what is present
Emotions point to values; jumping
to solutions misses values
What went well this year?
What was challenging this year?
support students?
How might we best...
support faculty & staff?
support each other?
Cultivation
Response
Accessing & strengthening internal resources and skills
Real time choices & application of skills
Mindful Self-Regulation Practice
Some is not.
Tell me more...
Uncomfortable conversations
I am feeling...
Culture is largely shaped by...
the conversations we are having and...
the conversations we are not having
Leadership includes Affiliation & Accountability
This conversation is important to me because...
I need, my concern, my question, my request, my plan...
Checking in
What's going on?
What feels important right now?
How can I support you?
What are you focused on?
Yes...and
Totally...and
Thank you...and
Mindful Self-Regulation
Working skillfully with what shows up to create more of what you want to bring into the world
Most of us are capable of more than we think we are.
How we work with what is going on inside us is the key to working with what is going on around us. Awareness and acceptance of what is present is the foundation of this skillset, and this is built with practice.
Human beings are capable of thriving in all kinds of circumstances. Many of us have not fully cultivated or leveraged this capacity because we were taught to look to our circumstances as the measure of the quality of our lives.
Innerpersonal
Culture...
How we work with what goes on
inside
us
Interpersonal
How we work with what goes on
between
us
Community
How we work with what goes on
among
us
Accepting your own resistance to resistance
Searching for values underneath resistance
Using energy in service of goals, values, commitments, and relationships
Pathways & patterns of activity in the brain that lead to automatic perceptions, thoughts, feelings & behaviors
Freedom = putting your
attention and energy
where you choose
Self-regulation
Conditioning
Practice
Awareness Acceptance Gratitude Awe Compassion
Why is that important to you?
Some conditioning is very useful and some is not. Some conditioning may be comfortable and familiar even when it conflicts with values. Mindfulness can help us make the distinction.
Conditioning often shows up as attachment to current behavior and resistance to new behavior.
What we believe
What we feel like
What we are capable of
Mindfulness
Mindfulness is not the same as relaxation.
Opening Breathing Smiling
How we create, reinforce, or break down conditioning.
“Mindfulness is the aware, balanced acceptance of the present experience. It isn’t more complicated than that. ~Sylvia Boorstein
"A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices." ~ William James
"Under duress, we do not rise to our expectations –
we fall to the level of our training." ~ Bruce Lee
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
~ Viktor Frankl
Mindfulness allows us to find a bit of space for whatever shows up.
Mindfulness facilitates conscious choice by allowing you to examine your current conditioning and your values.
Self-discipline
Engaging in behavior in
the presence of resistance
Self-control
Abstaining from behavior in the presence of attachment
Week one: Sit 10 minutes each day
Week two: Cold shower every day
Week three: Let go of one thing
(Self-control)
Week four: Add one thing
(Self-discipline)
Awareness & acceptance of what is present
We do not get to choose what shows up in life.
Emotions point to values and jumping to solutions misses values.
Cultivation
Response
Accessing & strengthening internal resources and skills
Real time choices & application of skills
Awareness & acceptance of present experience
Connection to goals, values, and purpose
Directing attention & energy to chosen behavior
Mindful Self-Regulation Practice
We get to choose what we practice.
Tell me more...
Uncomfortable conversations
I am feeling...
Culture is largely shaped by...
The conversations we are having and
the conversations we are not having
Leadership includes affiliation & accountability
This conversation is important to me because...
I need, my concern, my question, my request, my plan...
Checking in
What's going on?
How can I support you?
What feels important right now?
What are you focused on?
Yes...and
Acknowledging multiple viewpoints
Thank you...and
Mindful Self-Regulation
Working skillfully with what shows up to create more of what you want to bring into the world
Most of us are capable of more than we think we are.
How we work with what is going on inside us is the key to working with what is going on around us. Awareness and acceptance of what is present is the foundation of this skillset, and this is built with practice.
Human beings are capable of thriving in all kinds of circumstances. Many of us have not fully cultivated or leveraged this capacity because we were taught to look to our circumstances as the measure of the quality of our lives.
Innerpersonal:
Culture is a function of practice
How we work with what goes on inside us
Interpersonal:
How we work with what goes on between us
Community:
How we work with what goes on among us
Working Peacefully & Productively with Resistance
Accepting our own resistance to resistance
Searching for values underneath resistance
Staying with status
This builds connection & creates context for uncomfortable conversations.
Perhaps our best opportunity
to build healthy culture
Totally...and
I get it...and
As far as our brains are concerned, everything we do is practice.
Dave Mochel CEO Applied Attention Coaching & Consulting dave@appliedattention.com www.appliedattention.com

Dave Mochel
Working
Peacefully
& Productively
With Resistance

Why is that important to you?
Tell me more...
I get it...and
"I had a chat today with a colleague that I'd been putting off for months. She and I have had a bad pattern of communication, and I wanted to address it with her.

I didn't quite know what I was going to say to her ahead of time, but when we finally got on the phone together, I found I was assertive, transparent, and vulnerable in what I had to share.

We had a hugely positive conversation, and I wanted to thank you for your help in getting me here!"
Staying with status
Tell me more...
Why is that important to you?
Checking in
What's going on?
What feels important right now?
What are you focused on?
How can I
support you?
Uncomfortable
conversations
I am feeling...
This conversation is important to me because...
My concern, my question,
my request, my plan...
Awareness & acceptance of present experience
Connection to goals, values, and purpose
Directing attention & energy to chosen behavior
Week one: Sit 10 minutes each day
Week two: Cold shower every day
Week three: Let go of one thing
Week four: Add one thing
(Self-control)
(Self-discipline)
We do not get to choose what shows up.
We can choose what we practice.
Everything we do is practice.
We do not get to choose what shows up.
We can choose what we practice.
(Conscious awareness & acceptance of what is present)
Attention is a limited resource.
Mindfulness
Effort does not
require struggle
Discomfort is normal
The skillful use of attention
Awareness and
acceptance of
discomfort is a
powerful practice
Mindfulness is not the same as relaxation
We can be mindful of restlessness, stress, anxiety, or any other internal experience.
Mindfulness can create a bit of space for feelings & thoughts rather than clinging or avoiding
We often defend our stories as if we're defending our physical selves
We instantly tell stories to give meaning to events
Spinning
Letting go
Taking Action
Taking action & letting go begin by bringing attention to the present
What shows up
What we practice
Ryan, R. M., Huta, V., & Deci, E. L. (2013).
Living well: A self-determination theory perspective on eudaimonia.

In The Exploration of Happiness (pp. 117-139).
Springer Netherlands.

Spector, P. E., & Cooper, C. L.(2002).
Locus of control and well-being at work: how generalizable are western findings?.

Academy of Management Journal, 45(2), 453-466.
Sensations
Thoughts
Reactions
Events
People
Weather
Response
The more we focus on what we practice, the healthier, happier, and more meaningful our lives are.
The more we focus on what shows up to determine the quality of our lives, the more we struggle.
Training
Klonowicz, T. (2001).
Discontented people: reactivity and locus of control as determinants of subjective well-being.
European Journal of Personality, 15(1), 29-47.

Krause, N., & Stryker, S. (1984).
Stress and well-being: The buffering role
of locus of control beliefs.
Social Science & Medicine, 18(9), 783-790.
Life
Twenge, J. M., & Gentile, B., et al (2010).
Birth cohort increases in psychopathology among young Americans, 1938–2007: A cross-temporal meta-analysis of the MMPI.

Clinical psychology review, 30(2), 145-154.
A Sobering Trend
Increases in anxiety, stress, & depression
"I know what's going to happen, and I don't believe I have what I need to deal with it."
"I don't know what's going to happen, and I believe I have what I need to deal with it."
"The opposite of
anxiety is faith"
Confidence can be:
"It will work out the way I want"
"I can work with what happens"
fragile
durable
Think of a bear
Culture is shaped by
collective practice
www.appliedattention.com
dave@appliedattention.com
Practices for Inclusive Leadership & Culture
Affiliation without accountability
Listening with Curiosity
Inclusivity & Decisiveness
Drop your shoulders,
Open your chest,
Breathe deeply & smile
Box Breathing
Safety
Open Breathe Smile
Self-Compassion
Rest your hand gently on the part of the body where you feel love or gratitude
Imagine feeling kindness for yourself
Bring your belly back toward your spine on the out breath
Connect with gratitude
Marvel that you exist
Wish others well
Breathing is a powerful tool
Just be with any discomfort until you can
actually feel some compassion for yourself
Kindly having your own back
Cold Shower
Turn the water temperature in the
shower to as cold as it will go
As you stand outside the shower, notice any resistance
Once you get in, notice any contraction and resistance
You are free to remain contracted or to let go and relax and have the experience as it is.
In breath 4 count
Pause 4 count
Out breath 4 count
Allow your belly to fall away from your body on the in breath
Emmons, R. A., & McCullough, M. E. (2003). Counting blessings versus burdens: an experimental investigation of gratitude and subjective well-being in daily life. Journal of personality and social psychology, 84(2), 377.
Rudd, M., Vohs, K. D., & Aaker, J. (2012). Awe expands people’s perception of time, alters decision making, and enhances well-being. Psychological science, 23(10), 1130-1136.
Neff, K. D., Rude, S. S., & Kirkpatrick, K. L. (2007). An examination of self-compassion in relation to positive psychological functioning and personality traits. Journal of research in personality, 41(4), 908-916.
Fredrickson, B. L., Cohn, M. A., Coffey, K. A., Pek, J., & Finkel, S. M. (2008). Open hearts build lives: positive emotions, induced through loving-kindness meditation, build consequential personal resources. Journal of personality and social psychology, 95(5), 1045.
A leader's relationship
to resistance
is foundational
to healthy culture
It is normal & inevitable
It is the result of brain pathways
Resistance 101
Working with it is a skill
The first challenge is internal
It is sensational, then cognitive
Self-coaching
How does it show up?
Where do you feel it? How does it feel?
When and where does it show up?
Times? in your schedule? Location?
What would it be useful to practice when it shows up?
Stepping back? Breathing? Felt resources?
How will I remember to practice?
Reminders? Apps? Notes? Calendar? Schedule?
Checking in
What's going on?
What feels most
important right now?
How can I support you?
Tell me more...
I get it, and...
Choice & Responsibility
Well-intentioned black box
Creating Resistance
Solution before status
Failure to follow-up
Accountability without affiliation
Unnecessary uncertainty
Reducing Resistance
Staying with status
Following-up
Clarity & transparency
Affiliation & accountability
Tell me more...
Why is that important to you...
Resistance Toolkit
How might we...
I get it, and...
The Point
What has been challenging this year?
Mindful Listening
Why is this
important to you?
Awareness, Acceptance & Invitation
Opportunities
Possibilities
Connections
GROWTH:
Urgency
Comfort
Problems
Limitations
Obstacles
SURVIVAL:
Purpose
Importance
Your brain connects past experience with survival
Foster, K. R., & Kokko, H. (2009). The evolution of superstitious and superstition-like behaviour.
Proceedings of the Royal Society of London B: Biological Sciences, 276(1654), 31-37.
We can use the growth system to work consciously with the survival system
Ericsson, K. A., Krampe, R. T., & Tesch-Römer, C. (1993). The role of deliberate practice in the acquisition of expert performance. Psychological review, 100(3), 363.
Comfort & discomfort
are survival tools of the human brain
Pause 4 count
Warm your hands
Rule of thirds
No matter how aware, accepting, principled,
kind & brilliant you are, some people are going to doubt, resist and resent your efforts.
This is no one's fault.
This is human biology.
You can accept this & work with it, or you can resist it and be frustrated & exhausted
Full transcript