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The Five Love Languages
Transcript of The Five Love Languages
What is a "Love" Language?
The way that we give and receive love and affection
Affects how we perceive that we are loved
Unique to each individual
A means to keep the “love tank” full
The Love Tank
A full love tank results in emotional health
Begets secure attachment to our spouse
Misbehavior and cravings for love are a consequence of an empty love tank
Love Language #1:
Words of Affirmation
Motivation to reciprocate
Inspiring courage, awakening latent potential
Tone of voice, forgiveness
Requests, not demands
More Ways to Affirm
Indirect words of affirmation
Written words of affirmation
In front of others
Love Language #2:
Connecting, giving undivided attention to your spouse/partner
Understanding vs. Giving advice
Learning to Talk
Self-revelation, talking about emotions
Sharing activities to express love by being together
Love Language #3:
Gifts are a visual reminder of love
The power of symbols
Value vs. Cost
Changing your attitude about spending money
Gift of Self
Being present communicates love
Keeping the Love Tank Full
Primary language: comfortable, reliable, 'default'
Secondary language: practiced, mastered over time
Love Language #4:
Acts of Service
Love Language #5:
Your primary love language
Your spouse's primary love language = your secondary love language
Greater relationship satisfaction can be achieved by forgiveness, specifically:
Forgiving yourself if you are the transgressor (Pelucchi, Paleari, Regalia, & Fincham, 2013).
Forgiving your parter if you have been wronged (Braithwaite, Selby, & Fincham, 2011).
The act of forgiving others has been linked to lower blood pressure and other health benefits (Whited, Wheat & Larkin, 2010).
A Note About Forgiveness
for Therapeutic Practice
Love Languages, Illustrated:
Love Is a Choice
We are creatures of choice
We can choose to love
Love Makes the Difference
Love is doing something for someone else, not yourself
Love is not your only need
Love is in all
Loving the Unlovely
Love's greatest challenge
Rooted in Biblical teaching, Luke 6:27-28, 31-32
Love is a miracle worker
Hypothesis: Implement primary love language consistently for 6 months and emotional love tank will be filled and emotional needs will start to be met
Objective: State fondest wish: What's missing?
Identify each person's primary love language
Tell your spouse you want to know what they desire
Incorporate new behavior based on other's primary love language
Reflect once a month
After first positive response, make a request of them based on your primary love language
each partner's emotional love tank will be more full
acts pertaining to primary love language will be more frequent
Chapman, G.D. (2010). The five love languages: The secret to love that lasts.
Chicago, IL: Northfield Publishing.
Whited, M., Wheat, A., & Larkin, K. (2010). The influence of forgiveness and
apology on cardiovascular reactivity and recovery in response to mental stress. Journal of Behavioral Medicine, 33(4), 293-304. doi:10.1007/s10865-010-9259-7
Braithwaite, S.R., Selby, E.A., & Fincham, F.D. Forgiveness and relationship
satisfaction: Mediating mechanisms. Journal of Family Psychology, 25, 4, 551-559. doi:10.1037/a0024526
Pelucchi, S., Paleari, F.G., Regalia, C., & Fincham, F.D. (2013). Self-forgiveness in
romantic relationships: It matters to both of us. Journal of Family Psychology, 27, 4, 541-549. doi:10.1037/a0032897
Requests vs. Demands
"Requests give direction to love, but demands stop the flow of love"
Doormat or Lover?
Acts should be an expression of love
Willingness to examine and change
Communicates emotional love
Power of Touch
Actions speak louder than words
Times of Crisis
We can survive if we feel loved
Discovering Your Love Language
1) What does your partner do/fail to do that hurts you the most?
2) What do you request most often?
3) How do you express love to your partner?
Difficulty Finding Your Love Language
Love Tank has been full
What made you desire
to be with your partner?
Love Tank has been empty
What would be an ideal partner to me?
Chapman, G.D. (n.d.). The 5 love languages. http://www.5lovelanguages.com
Van, T. (n.d.) Is your love tank running on fumes? http://www.thomasvan.com/page/5
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The five love languages can be a tool to teach couples in therapy how to communicate with one another.
Dr. Chapman's 6-month experiment:
Is it possible to love a spouse who has become your enemy?
Clear communication, feedback, and trust